


If You Forget Me

by titania522



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Angst, Gen, Masturbation, Modern AU, Oral Sex, References to Child Abuse, Romance, Underage Sex, everlark fanfiction, titania522
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-24
Updated: 2014-03-31
Packaged: 2018-01-16 20:44:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 45,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1361143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/titania522/pseuds/titania522
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Katniss and Peeta have been best friends since they were five years old. They seemed destined for a great love but Fate intervenes and deals them a blow that threatens to destroy their hard won love forever. Written for Prompts in Panem's Language of Flowers writing challenge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day 1 - Primrose (Childhood)

**Author's Note:**

> Summary: A fic in seven parts. Part 1 - Katniss and Peeta have been best friends since the age of five. Spanning their youth, they discover that some things are simply written in the stars.
> 
> Day 1: Primrose (Childhood)

 

_**For small creatures such as we, the vastness is bearable only through love - Carl Sagan** _

__

He was five years old when he first saw her.

  
  


Only one of two things can be said about children that age - either the powerful feelings inspired by an instantaneous and soul-filling affinity cannot endure in the form that adults understand as love; or the grip of powerful emotion children feel when confronted with the possibility of another soul as pure and uncorrupted as their own remains unparalleled by any other affection that they might ever experience later in their lives.

  
  


Peeta Mellark, third son of Aidan and Sybil Mellark, did not have the language or maturity to explore this mystery.  All he knew was that when the tiny, pretty girl in green and red plaid stretched her hand into the air to volunteer to sing the Valley Song, he would henceforth never experience a day in which the vision of her did not make its way across his heart.  When she stood proudly on her chair and turned to the crowd of children in their Kindergarten class, he became mesmerized by the clear, almond-shaped grey eyes that were the same radiant color as the special giant marble he had hidden in his collection box away from his brothers.  Her raven-black hair was held back by a braid and her olive skin captured his attention for its rarity amongst the other children.

  
  


But it was her voice that ruined him for all other voices.  Already at five years old, she possessed the layered, sultry timbre of a songstress, the sound that poured out from her pink lips never once breaking or cracking, and the children, sensitive in a profoundly primitive way to the presence of true beauty, were held in rapt silence before the little girl’s song.  When she’d finished singing, her eyes casually fell on the baker’s boy with the wavy blond curls and deep blue eyes. The pulse of energies that unite electrons to their atoms sparked between them, and tiny Katniss Everdeen, doted on by her mother and father and favored by fate to love a sister more than herself, sensed the unbreakable union between herself and the young boy's soul without articulation or true understanding.  

  
  


While the small audience roused themselves from the grip of awe that her song had induced, she clambered down from her wooden chair and wandered to the bench where the little blond boy sat.  Without invitation, she perched herself beside him, making the seat her own. Katniss offered him her hand as her father had taught her.

  
  


“I’m Katniss.  We should be friends.” she said.

  
  


Peeta nodded at first, his small heart racing to escape his chest before mustering the nerve to take her proffered hand and respond nervously "Okay...I'm Peeta."

  
  


From that moment forward, they were never voluntarily separated from each other again.

  
  


**XXXXX**

  
  


"What happened to your face?" asked Katniss the first time she saw Peeta's bruises after they’d been friends for six months.  It would happen frequently thereafter but it wasn't until Katniss was older that she understood where his bruises came from and how to become enraged by them.

  
  


"I...I, um, fell down." He stammered as he dropped his head in shame, unable to meet her gaze.

  
  


"Oh, okay.” she said, somewhat confused.  After a pause, she asked excitedly “Wanna see what Dad built me?”

  
  


“Sure.”  he said, a smile crossing his battered features.

  
  


They got up from the steps of her small house.  Her parents had moved to this neighborhood many years ago because it was the best they could afford.  It was a stroke of luck for Katniss’ father, a foreman at Snow’s Construction, because not two years after they’d bought the little fixer-upper, the neighborhood became a magnet for wealthier investors after the light rail was built to connect the suburban neighborhoods to the business district in downtown Panem.  Soon, houses were either being bought and remodeled or demolished to make way for expensive townhouses that sprung up around them like colorful mushrooms.    

  
  


This meant Katniss’ parents found themselves sitting on a house worth four times more than the tiny mortgage they owed on it.  While Mrs. Everdeen argued for selling the house and getting something nicer, Mr. Everdeen was adamant that they stay, especially when Katniss was born.  “She’ll go to the best school in the district and know quality people, like the doctor next door or the baker’s family three houses down.  We can sell it when she goes to college.”  When Prim came along thereafter, there was no further argument about where they would raise the girls.

  
  


All of this was beyond Katniss and Peeta as they made their way to the backyard where Katniss’ father was putting the finishing touches on the tree house.

  
  


“Wow!” exclaimed Peeta, forgetting the bruise on his cheek altogether.  The dark green tree house was suspended on a series of sturdy elm branches about six feet from the ground.  It was further supported by four posts that descended to the ground surrounded by a bed of mulch, an innovation Mrs. Everdeen insisted upon in case any of the children fell.  Katniss wasted no time scampering up the ladder to a small balcony in front of a door that read “Keep Out.”

 

“Hello, Peeta.” greeted Mr. Everdeen cheerfully.   

 

“Hello, sir.” he responded.  Peeta was infallibly shy, even though he’d become a regular fixture in their home.

 

Mr. Everdeen put his finger under Peeta’s chin and lifted his head to look at him.  “That’s a nasty shiner you’ve got there.”  At this moment, Mrs. Everdeen came out of the house, giving both of them a look full of meaning.

 

Peeta turned his head away slowly.  “It’s nothing.  I just fell down.”

 

Katniss’ father bored into him with a gentle but penetrating gaze.  “You know, Peet, if you ever want to talk to somebody, I’m here, okay?”

 

Peeta opened his mouth to answer, but was interrupted by Katniss shouting from the top of the ladder. “Can we go inside, daddy?”

 

“Yes, pumpkin.  All of the paint’s dry.” said Mr. Everdeen, releasing Peeta to join Katniss as he put an arm around Mrs. Everdeen’s shoulder and watched them from below.  

 

When Katniss opened the door, she virtually squealed with delight, her braid bobbing about in her excitement.  On the floor was a piece of  industrial carpeting surrounded by oversized pillows covered in heavy, outdoor fabric. Above the pillows was a small, built-in corner bookshelf with a handful of used books, a teacup set and second-hand stuffed animals that her parents had managed to pick up at the local Salvation Army.

 

But the most wonderful thing was the skylight in the ceiling - a large square that allowed the brilliant light of the afternoon sun to pour in.  Peeta stared at it with a kind of reverence and had a fleeting image of stars pinned to the night sky bursting through the open square.

 

Katniss bounced to the window and looked out at her parents.  “It’s full of toys and books in here!  This is better than Christmas!”  She turned to Peeta, whose wide eyes were now taking in the little house.

 

“I bet you could camp out here if you wanted to!” he exclaimed, desperately wishing that his father would build him a tree house but he could already hear the stern voice of her mother turning down the idea because it would ruin her perfectly groomed backyard.

 

“Now, you have to share it with your sister when she gets big enough, okay, Kat?” called out her mother from below.

 

“Okay, Mamma!” she said as she tugged Peeta down onto the carpet with her, her small hand gripping his larger, slightly pudgier one.  “Come on, Peeta. This can be your house, too.  Every house has to have a mommy and a daddy.” she laughed.  “Let’s play school!  I’ll be the teacher.”  

 

“You’re always the teacher!” pouted Peeta, making the bruise on his face flush darkly.  

 

“Don’t be a baby!  We can both be teachers and these” she pointed at the stuffed animals, “can be our students.  Would you like that?”  Katniss peered at him, waiting for his pout to disappear and smiling winningly when he brightened and nodded in approval.

 

As the time passed, they filled their tree house with other toys and memories - all the comforts that would barricade against the travails of the world.

  
  


**XXXXX**

 

No sooner had Katniss forgotten about Peeta’s bruised face but he appeared in their tree house on a subsequent Saturday with a fresh injury.  This time, she studied the ugly purple circle on his arm as if he had sprouted a new breed of insect.

 

“Peeta, why are you always bruised?”

 

He shrugged.  “I fall down a lot.” he said, his eyes focusing on her finger circling carefully around the welt.

 

She shook her head.  “No you don’t!  Daddy says somebody hits you.  He says it’s not right for people to hit kids like that.  Who’s hitting you, Peeta?”

 

Peeta looked up at her with the saddest eyes she’d ever seen.  “I get hit because I’m bad.  Mom says I’m bad so I have to be punished.”  He grabbed the giant grey marble that he’d brought  from home and twirled it on the wooden floor.

 

“You’re not bad!  Your mom is bad and she’s a liar!” Katniss virtually shouted, her indignation inexplicable but powerful inside of her.

 

“My mom’s not bad!  Moms aren’t supposed to be bad.  I should just be more careful,” Peeta said in a small voice, still spinning the marble on the ground.

 

“That’s not true at all.  You’re my favorite person ever and I don’t like bad people so you can’t be bad at all.” Katniss crossed her arms in self-satisfaction, as if her logic were completely incontestable.

 

Peeta smiled shyly.  “I brought my lucky marble.” he said, holding it up for her scrutiny.

 

Katniss became distracted by the lovely grey ball and just like that, they played their game of marbles but Katniss had not forgotten their conversation and promptly told her father the entire matter because really, no one that she liked as much as she liked Peeta could ever be that bad.

 

**XXXXX**

 

The day her father died was the day her mother ceased to exist.  Katniss watched her mother slowly disappear before her eyes. Not physically - she was still present but when President Snow came to their house to inform them personally of Mr. Everdeen’s death in a work-related accident, Mrs. Everdeen became hysterical, wailing her grief without care for who witnessed it, then slowly, like a planetary mass caught at the edge of a singularity, collapsed within herself and said nothing more for over one year.  

 

The funeral had been arranged by Mr. Everdeen’s friend, Haymitch Abernathy, the owner of Abernathy’s Coffee and Tea Emporium, a building built by Mr. Everdeen himself.  Katniss knew him from the trips she took with her father into town.  He always stopped off at Abernathy’s for a double shot of espresso and bought Katniss an apple juice. The two men chatted amiably while Katniss wandered the aisles, studying the elaborate containers containing fresh tea leaves on one end and exotic tins of coffee beans on the other.  Haymitch, who always smelled a little funny and sometimes swayed on his feet, nevertheless greeted Katniss with a “Hello, sweetheart” and sent her on her way with a box of herbal tea.

 

Once the visit to Abernathy’s was complete, they walked the two blocks to Mellark’s Family Bakery, where Mr. Mellark served Katniss her favorite - fresh, warm cheese buns straight from the oven.  Sometimes Peeta’s older brothers, Rye and Bannick were there, helping their father with the ovens.  Other times, Katniss even saw Peeta himself, quietly sweeping or sorting breads, his face pursed in steady concentration, so unlike his playfulness when they were in their tree house.  She would call out to him and he’d smile hesitantly before waving and disappearing somewhere in the backroom.  

 

Mrs. Mellark, in particular, frightened Katniss terribly, especially after Peeta’s confession.  With her aquiline features and pinched lips, she reminded her of the White Witch of Narnia.  She became doubly intimidated by her because of the wicked scandal of child services showing up at the door of Mellark’s Family Bakery on the very day Katniss and her father were visiting.   The two women in dark suits asked to speak to Mrs. Mellark, at which point Mr. Everdeen hustled Katniss out of the shop, though not before the woman cast a look of chilling hatred towards them both.

 

Although no one at Katniss’ house spoke of the visit, Peeta explained to Katniss that someone had reported his mother for his bruises and it was then that Katniss began to have terrible nightmares of a frightened Peeta being beaten by a mutant version of his mother; a gnarly, looming creature with long fangs and dark claws who invariably chased Katniss until she woke, breathless with terror.  What she did know was that Peeta never appeared at her home with bruises again, at least not with ones that the human eye could detect.

 

But these visits to town were a thing of the past, because Katniss’ father was dead and he might as well have taken her mother with him also.

 

Because it was a work-related accident and well-documented, the company was quick to release funds to the widow and her now fatherless children.  This became indispensable to their well-being for Mrs. Everdeen had lost all sense of her place in the world and forgotten the very existence of her children.  It was an eleven year-old Katniss who now dressed Prim - only two years younger but infinitely more delicate - and fed her whatever she could find.  There were lots of tears and begging from Katniss that her mother just Wake-up, Mamma! Wake-up! But Mrs. Everdeen had gone to her own purgatory and there was no one from the land of the living capable of bringing her back.  

 

Many people attended the funeral.  Mr. Everdeen was well-liked in the community, having been a part of the construction of so many buildings and being one of the most reliable foremen the company had ever employed.  But these things meant next to nothing to Katniss.   She felt small and lost amongst all the black suits and pressed dresses thronging the cemetery.  Her mother was held upright by old Aunt Sae, the only living relative they had in the world besides their mother now that their father was gone.  Mr. Abernathy, stumbling a bit from his usual over-indulgence of vodka, stood vigilantly behind them and would soon become a fixture in their broken lives.  But Katniss, holding her small sister’s hand in hers, felt the vacuum of her father’s death and trembled, not from the frigid fall air but from the chill that loneliness and fear created.  With her mother mute and dumb to the world, Katniss had never felt more alone than at that moment and she closed her eyes when it was time to lower the casket into the ground, unable to stand the finality of it.  

  
  


Prim clung to her and cried softly, spilling the tears that Katniss held in check because even at that age, she already understood that she would have to be unbendingly brave to endure all of this.   Her sister’s mournful blue eyes, her delicate skin and unbearably soft blond hair begged for care and evoked every feeling of protectiveness that Katniss possessed.

 

She stood quietly, holding Prim against the tide of mourners who paid her silent mother their respects.  Suddenly, from among the rustling of myriad legs came the bobbing head of her now taller best friend.  Peeta’s eyes were wide with terror and sadness as he stood next to her. While his mother and father were paying their condolences, Peeta took the opportunity to give Katniss a tight hug, so much more welcome and heartfelt than any she’d received that day.  They didn’t say much to each other but Katniss felt that in all the grief and heaviness that had descended upon her, ready to suffocate her, his hug was like breathing again.  She was sure her relief radiated from her face because she caught his mother’s sneer from above as Peeta turned to move away.

  
  


That evening, when Peeta snuck out of his house to look for her, he knew where he would find her.  Climbing the ladder to the tree house, he sensed her quiet presence before even reaching the small balcony.   Opening the door carefully so as not to startle her,  he saw her curled form buried under a pile of blankets in the corner of their little house, shivering or sobbing - he wasn’t sure which.  Shutting the door behind him, Peeta sat down next to her, placing the cheesebuns he’d taken from the kitchen counter in his house and placing them on the ledge above them.  

 

“Katniss?” he whispered quietly, even though there was no one left who would pay attention to their noises.

 

Katniss’ head emerged from under the blankets, her braid disheveled and her face swollen from tears.  She didn’t answer, just continued hiccupping her desolation into the cold air.  Peeta, finding his best friend’s grief to be unbearably large for either of them alone, decided to slip under the comforters with her and hold her against him, her back to his front.  He didn’t let go as the tide of her grief rolled in over and over again, threatening to drown her and his already strong arms became her refuge against the bleak cruelties of their world.

  
  


**XXXXX**

  
  


Peeta sat at his desk, working on his Pre-Calculus homework when he heard the tell-tale scraping outside of his bedroom window.  Katniss didn’t even wait for him to invite her into his room before shoving the window open and slipping inside.  She’d been climbing into his bedroom since they were both in middle school.  Katniss could count on one hand the number of times she’d entered Peeta’s house through the front door, not having outgrown her powerful dislike for Mrs. Mellark even after so many years.

 

She couldn’t always make it over these days because she had to take care of Prim, who was entering those difficult years which required constant supervision, while her mother still mentally vanished for days on end. It was usually Peeta who went to her, bringing snacks to share in their now cramped tree house, snacks that were always too much for him alone because he knew, without her having to tell him, that there were times when there wasn’t enough for her and her sister to eat.  The settlement money had run out, especially when they’d paid off the rest of the mortgage and were subsisting on the little bit Katniss earned from her part-time job over at Abernathy’s.   

 

She dropped her school bag on the floor and pulled her papers out, laying out her own homework in an orderly fashion on the bed.

 

“Mrs. Peters sucks.” she said ungraciously as she opened the math book to the page he was on and began scribbling a problem onto her paper.

 

“Yeah, I mean, why make us do fifty problems on the exact same type of equation?  She’s a moron.” Peeta agreed, his eyes sweeping surreptitiously over her as she settled onto his bed.  She had always been small and thin, with long, straight black hair and eyes that unreal grey color that sucked all the light out of the room and reflected it back at a person.  But puberty had been kind to her, rounding out her small curves and, quite without realizing how, she’d become something of a beauty.  Peeta secretly found her to be irresistable, so magnetic that, had she perhaps had an easier life and a less intimidating personality, she could have easily become one of the most popular girls in their high school. As it was, she was well known for her excellence in academics but was not particularly social outside of her group of friends.

 

“If it wasn’t for Khan Academy, I’d have been dead in the water with Pre-Calc.” she huffed.

 

At this, Peeta turned completely around on his swivel chair.  “Hey, I thought you were passing Pre-Calc because of me!”  he huffed with indignation at Katniss crediting the online free university and not his tutoring skills.

 

Katniss’ head snapped up, a wry smile on her face.  “Oh, well.  You too, I suppose.”

 

Peeta leaned back slightly in his chair, crossing his well-muscled arms over his broad chest.  Unlike Katniss, he was involved in National Honor Society, was Junior Class Treasurer and Captain of the wrestling team at Panem High.  There was no reason why Katniss and Peeta should be such close friends except for the unbreakable bond that grew up between two people who had seen each other at their worst as well as their best.

 

“I’ll keep that in mind next time you’re trying to find the limits of a cosine function.” he groused at her audacity.

 

Katniss dropped her head down to look at her work, suddenly filled with a kind of shame.  She didn’t really want him to think that she was not grateful for his help. He seemed so good at everything and while she was intelligent in her own right and had exceptional grades, math was the subject she struggled with the most and Peeta had been so patient, working out problem after problem with her, modeling solutions until she felt she’d gotten it.  Even a few months ago, she would not have had a problem throwing her arms around his neck and thanking him for his constant help but now, the thought of touching Peeta made every single hair on her body stand at attention.   When she touched herself at night, it wasn’t some empty celebrity or fleeting crush who she imagined but his face that heated her body.  She wasn't sure when this change took place but it was as if something had snuck up on her and flipped a switch.  Suddenly she wasn't cool and calm anymore when she was around him but more like the filament in a light bulb, oscillating with white, hot energy.

 

So she opted for an indifferent shrug when indifference was the last thing she was feeling towards him.  Peeta, clueless as to the direction her mind had taken, simply chuckled and turned back to his work.

  
  


**XXXXX**

  
  


"Katniss, seriously, I should have just gone shopping by myself!  I thought I was a retail idiot but you’ve got me beat!"  Johanna admonished as Katniss' mind wandered for the upteemth time while her friend tried on yet another Prom dress.

 

"Sorry.  I just have a lot on my mind."  Like, how she didn't have a date for their Senior Prom and that she was as equally afraid of going as of not going.  Plus, Katniss was disheartened by the price of the dresses.  She had some money saved up from her job at Abernathy's but Prom looked like it had the potential to wipe out her savings.

 

Johanna, who moved to Panem City as a freshman a year after her parent’s divorce, had become one of her closest friends, besides Peeta, of course.  With naturally brown hair that kept changing color with her mood, and a pixie-like face that belied a fierce character, Johanna was one of the most interesting people Katniss had ever met. She’d had a rough period when she first moved to Panem, getting into fights and running with the wrong crowd but there was something about Jo that triggered Katniss' deep affection.  Maybe it was the fact that her life had been difficult also, or perhaps Katniss had often wanted to go off the deep end herself but for Prim, who kept her from self-destruction only inasmuch as it ensured Prim's survival.  Therefore, she could live vicariously through Jo’s recklessness. She wasn't sure why, but like Peeta, Jo had wormed her way into her heart and their friendship had blossomed from there.

 

“Cato just finished his Prom interview yesterday and he’s been approved to escort me so I need a hot number and there you are, drooling at the clothing hangers!”  Cato, a college freshman, had to clear an interview with the Dean of Student Services, Mr. Boggs, before he would be allowed to attend Senior Prom with a high school student.  But Katniss was also aware that if Boggs knew what the two of them got up to on the weekends, he’d have locked Cato up for the night.  

 

“Okay, okay!  What have you got?”  said Katniss with resignation.

 

And so another hour passed with Katniss approving or disapproving Jo’s outfits on the basis of the Hootchie Scale - 0 meant you could wear it to a funeral, 10 meant you should just forgo Prom and hit the strip for a couple of bucks.   Katniss was seized with the sudden inspiration to try on a simple deep green number with spaghetti straps that looked like something an actress would wear to the Academy Awards.  She didn’t look at herself with her own eyes but with the eyes of desire and without warning, imagined Peeta beside her in an elegant suit, eyeing her with a hunger equal to her own.

 

“Wake up, brainless!  I swear, what is up with you?”

 

Katniss shook her head and went to take off the dress when Jo grabbed her elbow.  “Seriously, Kat. You’re worrying me.  What gives?”

 

“I...you know I don’t care about this Prom stuff.  Not usually.  But I think I’d go...you know...if Peeta asked me…”  Katniss stuttered.

 

“So, what’s the drama?” Jo stared at her expectantly.  “It was just a matter of time before the two of you hooked up already.  He’ll ask you. I’ll bet my dress on it.”

 

“But, our friendship..it could change everything.”

 

“It will change everything.  But for the better.  You’ll see.  It was bound to happen.  I’m surprised you lasted until your Senior year.”  scoffed Jo as she went back to trying on Prom dresses.  “They say the best relationships start off as great friendships, right?  Or some B.S. like that.” she said from behind the dressing room door.  

 

Katniss said nothing and tried to appear as focused as possible on her friend’s dresses.

 

Finally, Jo settled on a red sequined shift that scored a 6, which was hot enough to be sexy but not enough to be get her kicked out of the party.  As they paid and walked out of the shop and into the mall itself, they practically knocked over Peeta and Delly Cartwright walking past the storefront.

 

“Katniss!” squealed Delly after she’d deftly caught her dress bag before it fell to the ground.

 

Katniss looked up from the collision to see a blushing Peeta standing close by.  She looked from him to Delly, a wonderfully voluptuous - and rich -  blond who attended their school.  Katniss felt suddenly put out by their friendly little stroll in the mall, never mind that the Mellarks and the Cartwrights had known each other since before they’d all been born.

 

“Hey!” said Katniss  with mock cheerfulness.  Why she was so angry all of a sudden?

 

“Hey, guys.” said Johanna, giving Peeta a wave as she scooped her things off the floor.

 

“I see we aren’t the only ones out for a little Prom dress shopping.  I managed to find something in Neiman Marcus.” she laughed happily.  Delly was sweet as could be but she came from old money and even though she didn’t usually flaunt it, it was hard to overlook the fact that she frequented designer shops and paid top dollar for her clothes while Jo had found her dress in JC Penny and Katniss felt lucky if she could catch a break at Walmart.

 

All of this was surely lost on Peeta, who just stared strangely at Katniss, studying her as she spoke.

 

“Yeah, well Jo has to dress for her stud muffin.” Katniss laughed almost hysterically, her own voice sounding maniacal to her ears.

 

“Cato got approved to escort you?” asked Peeta, his eyes flitting nervously towards Katniss, who looked painfully uncomfortable in her attempts to not look uncomfortable.

 

“Yeah - his record’s clean and he has good grades.  If anyone should be interviewed, though, it should be me,” she chortled as she let Delly and Peeta have a peek at the tiny sequined dress.   

 

Delly commented approvingly then gave Peeta a meaningful look as she chirped happily “We have to impress our guys. Right, Peeta?” she shoved him gently with her elbow, which provoked an uncomfortable laugh from him. “I even got matching shoes and a bag.  I can’t wait to put it all on!”

 

Katniss stiffened, if possible, feeling stranger than she did before.  No one had asked her to Prom and it was at that moment that she realized just how very much she’d wanted Peeta to take her. This realization both shocked and devastated her, for here was obvious confirmation that he was taking Delly instead.  She felt her hopes plummet without even realizing that she even had such hopes to begin with.  And the dashing of those expectations was made doubly painful because she had been completely unprepared for it.  The corners of her eyes welled unexpectedly with tears and she knew it was critical for her to get out of there before she made a perfect fool of herself.

 

“Uh, well..." she stuttered pathetically.  "Prim's gotta be somewhere at 6.  I'll see you later..." she barely looked anyone in the eye as she almost sprinted to the escalator, leaving everyone, except perhaps Delly, who didn't have eyes for anything distressing or negative, wondering at Katniss' sudden escape.

 

It wasn't until she was in the parking lot that she slowed her frenetic pace. Heart pounding, she allowed herself to give way to the tears that were already pushing out the corners of her eyes.  She kicked her car, a rusty old Honda Civic that she'd managed to score for $500 off of a crackhead mechanic near the Emporium, a dreg who skived her out but who Haymitch swore was the best mechanic in Panem, when he wasn't on a binge. Her eyes were wet and swollen so she had a hard time getting the car key into the keyhole of the door.  So intense was her misery and lack of coordination that she almost jumped out of her skin when someone reached around to take the key from her.

 

She almost wanted to laugh at the absurdity that her last thought before a serial killer chopped her up into pieces would be of her mourning her non-existent date with Peeta.  Instead, she realized it was no stranger but Peeta himself who'd taken the keys from her.  It would likely have been better if it had been an ax murderer.   She put her head down to keep him from seeing her puffy, tear-stained face.

 

"You run fast, Everdeen.  Why'd you leave like that?" said Peeta as she snatched her keys out of his hand.

 

"I told you.  Prim has to be somewhere." she said as she continued to fumble with the key, her frustration making her even clumsier than usual.

 

"No she doesn't.  Doesn't she have dance until 7 today?" he responded and her fumbling got so bad, she dropped her keys on the pavement.

 

"I need to go, that's all." she said, not bothering to lie anymore.

 

Peeta bent down to pick up her keys and looked up, seeing her face for the first time.  "Katniss, why are you crying!"  He straightened up and took her by her shoulders.  "Are you okay?   Is it your mom?"

 

"No, Peeta!  Just leave me alone!" Katniss tried to break away but he held her firm.

 

"I’m not going to leave you alone!  I remember the last time you cried!"  He didn't want to bring up her father's funeral but they both knew she never cried. He softened his voice which only made her more miserable.  It would have been better if he were a jerk - it would have made not being able to have him less painful.  This line of reasoning made her want to cry even harder and she yanked herself out of his grasp, managing to get the key in the keyhole.  

 

Peeta wasn't having any of this.  As she made to open her car door, he pressed it shut and turned her around, doing something that shocked both of them, the consequences of that small act reverberating like an underwater tsunami for years of their lives afterwards.  Pressing her against her car, he brought his lips down and kissed her gently, a simple gentle sweeping of his lips against hers so incongruous with the force with which he'd turned her around.

 

Without pulling back completely, he simply stared at her, waiting for her to confirm whether this was going to be the best or worst moment of his life.  Something hungry began to claw its way up inside of Katniss and, without thinking, she bridged the space between them, kissing Peeta back with a hunger that caught them both by surprise.  Her mouth parted slightly and  his eager tongue sought hers out.  Soon they were exchanging a deep, heated  kiss in the middle of that mall parking lot on a late spring evening.  Something in the kiss recalled the day of the Valley Song, that shift in the air that signaled the creation of something as profound as the bonds that held together the very molecules of air themselves.

 

When they broke apart, Peeta's eyes had become unnaturally bright, the pupils devouring the deep sky-blue and Katniss knew he wanted more.  They both wanted more.  But she had one thing to clear up.

 

"Are you going to Prom with Delly?" She whispered, fear dripping from her words.

 

Peeta pulled back in confusion. "Wha-? No, god, no!   What gave you that idea?  You mean...is that what you thought?" He smiled at this, which lit a fuse of anger inside of Katniss.  "Is that what you thought back there?  That Delly was my date to Prom?"  He chuckled and in her humiliation, she pushed against him.

 

"That's not why I ran away!" She all but screeched.

 

Peeta pulled her towards him, pinning her to the car with both hands on either side of her, keeping her from escaping.  "Yes it was.  You were jealous."  Understanding dawned on him as he said this, and he lost the look of mirth, his face becoming serious.  "Katniss, I'd never take anyone else to Prom.  I wanted to ask you but I couldn't get the nerve up.  We've been friends for so long, I don't want to ruin what we have."

 

Katniss' body went deathly still and yet there was a humming in her belly that was beginning to overwhelm her - a trembling expectation that would soon make her body react in indescribable ways.  "You want to go to Prom with me?" she asked nervously.  "What about Delly?  It looked like you two were going dress shopping."

 

"No, Katniss!  She’s going with Thom!  I bumped into her outside of Nieman Marcus and we just started walking together, I promise!" He said with some vehemence.  "I..." he stuttered at this, a flush pinking his cheeks, "I only want that with you." He whispered.

 

"What, Peeta?  What do you want with me?" Katniss asked, her eyes staring hungrily at his lips.  She had no idea how arousing the look on her face was to him and he became physically uncomfortable that his growing desire would be so easily visible to her.

 

Instead of answering her, he closed the space between them and kissed her again, this time moving his soft lips gently against hers, nipping at her bottom lip playfully before deepening the kiss.  He pressed his body into hers and she felt his desire rub up against her, eliciting a gasp from her.

 

"I don't want to just take you to Prom.  I want to be with you.  I don't know when I started feeling this way - I think maybe I always have - but I want you to be my girl, Katniss."   He watched her closely,  measuring her reaction.  Katniss was stunned, her mouth half-hanging open.  She had the sense to close her mouth before the most beautiful  shy, smile Peeta had ever seen in his life lit up her face.

 

“Really?  Me? Not Delly?” she said, still amazed and yet, she’d somehow always known it would be this way.

 

“No, not Delly or anyone else. Only you.”  he drew in a ragged breath.  “It’s always been you. Please Katniss, do you allow it?” he pleaded, his hand having dropped to rest on her hip.

 

Katniss’ smile widened - she didn’t care that she hardly ever smiled because it made each one she gave him more special.  “Yes, I allow it.”


	2. Day 2 - Marigold (Cruelty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: A fic in seven parts. Day 2 of 7 - Because even the strongest love must bend to the cruel indifference of fate.

 

_**My stars shine darkly over** _

_**me: the malignancy of my fate might perhaps** _

_**distemper yours.** _

__

_**from Twelfth Night, 2.1.3 by W. Shakespeare** _

  
  
  


Katniss went directly back to the store the next day and tried on the dress again.  It would put her out financially, of that there was no doubt, but she loved the way it skimmed over her curves, curling around her small breasts, sliding past her stomach and hips and dropping like an emerald curtain over her legs.  It made her look long and elegant, a style she simply couldn’t afford to indulged in.  Prim was better at this. Sometime last year, Katniss woke up one morning and discovered her awkward, somewhat clingy little sister had exploded into a leggy, blond-haired, blue-eyed beauty who could show up at school with a tutu and make it look fashionable.  Katniss had never learned the way to be edgy or hip - perhaps because everything she earned went towards taking care of her sister, and she had little leftover for herself.  She was a jeans and t-shirt girl because it was the only wardrobe she could afford.

 

No, this dress would put a dent in her savings, especially when she added the shoes and bag.  And there was still the matter of the prom ticket.  Katniss sat on the seat in the dressing room after carefully removing her dress and tapped at the edge of the cushion.  It was reckless of her to use her hard-earned savings in this way.  She thought of her car and the fact that it could break down at any time, or of the electric bill which could spike now in the summer months and require her to go outside of her budget to pay it.

 

But then she thought about Peeta and how he’d looked at her like he would eat her right up; the way the expectation of his touch made her skin go literally numb before all her nerve endings lit up at the same time.  For once, she wanted to feel so beautiful that he would have no choice but to want her, really want her, so much that he would overlook every disadvantage of being with her - her half-sane mother, the charge of caring for her sister, the constant limits that her poverty put on her.  He would see her as something radiant and not regret wanting to be more than just friends with her.

 

She gathered up the dress and accessories and went directly to the sales counter, not giving anymore thought to car bills or utilities or her savings account and instead imagined how the soft, silky material of her dress might enhance the feel of his hand pressed against her as they danced.

  
  


**XXXXX**

  
  


When Katniss arrived home, she found her mother upright in her rocking chair, sipping tea.  She was in a good period, bathing regularly, feeding herself and even on occasion, attempting a conversation with her taciturn older daughter. Intellectually, Katniss understood her mother was mentally ill, that it was largely outside of her control when she checked out of reality.  She knew that some medicines made it better and some made it worse.  But that did nothing to assuage the deep resentment Katniss felt at her abandonment, however involuntary, and the deprivations to which they had all been subjected in consequence.  The settlement had helped together with Aunt Sae’s attention to the children in matters requiring a guardian.

 

And then, there was Haymitch.

 

He’d asked the girls to call him Uncle Haymitch when their father had died but the moniker never stuck for Katniss.  He wasn’t really the paternal type, especially considering her father, who, to Katniss, was the most wonderful man who had ever existed.  So calling him “Uncle” had seemed forced to her.  But Haymitch was reliable and a constant in their lives so it did not startle her to find him cleaning up the kitchen when she got home.

 

“What d’ya got there, sweetheart?” he drawled while stacking the dishwasher.

 

Katniss shrugged, suddenly embarrassed by the idea of discussing her Prom dress with him.  “Just some new clothes I needed. How’s mom?”

 

“Enjoying a cup of fine Earl Grey.  Fresh leaves, of course.  I went by the bakery and picked up some rolls for dinner.”  he continued, still eyeing the bags curiously.  Katniss was not the only one weirded out by the fact that she was spending money on herself.

 

“You staying for dinner?” she asked as she stood next to the fridge, examining the contents for inspiration.

 

“I did one better and started it already.”  Haymitch was interrupted by Prim bursting into the kitchen, practically knocking Katniss over to grab the carton of orange juice.

 

“Hello to you too, little duck.” muttered Katniss as Prim shot past Haymitch to grab a cup and pour the juice.

 

“Hi, Katniss.  Sorry, but I’m running late.”  she gulped her juice and bounced toward the door.

 

“Whoa, slow your roll, kid!  Where are you going?” called Haymitch.

 

“The Hawthorne’s!  Rory and I are working on a project together.”  Katniss crossed her arms and lifted an eyebrow.  “Don’t worry!  You can’t get knocked up by reading E.M. Forster.  Anyway, Hazelle’s coming to get me” As if on cue, an old El Camino rolled up, honking the horn outside.  Katniss walked her sister to the door and waved at Mrs. Hawthorne from the doorway as Prim paused just long enough to kiss Katniss on the cheek before flying down the walkway and disappearing in the car with the older woman.

 

“Crazy kid.” she muttered as she closed the front door.  This elicited a guffaw from Haymitch.

 

“What?” she demanded.

 

“You’d never know from the look of things that you were both sisters, is all.”  Haymitch continued to chuckle as Katniss considered Hazelle Hawthorne.  Her husband had worked with Mr. Everdeen until he, too, was injured on the job and permanently disabled.  He died of a heart attack some years later, leaving her to care for four children.  Katniss had known the Hawthornes all her life, especially Gale, the oldest and the self-avowed care-taker of the whole brood, who had briefly nursed a crush on Katniss until moving on to girls his age.  He was in college now but came back most weekends to help out with his siblings. She admired Hazelle because, unlike Katniss’ mother, she hadn’t fallen apart when her husband died but taken to cleaning houses until she’d started a small, home-based housekeeping business.  Her kids were not reduced to scrounging for survival like Katniss and Prim had been.

 

Katniss cast a glance over at her mother in the living room, now watching a mindless shopping program while she rocked quietly in her chair and felt a violent fit of resentment over-take her.  She repressed it because she knew it would only make her angry and sick to her stomach and instead chose to focus on Haymitch, who had always done his best to help them out.  She needed to keep her mind on the good things so that she wouldn’t spiral into a fit of anger.

 

As Katniss was making her way around the kitchen, she heard Haymitch say, “Sweetheart, I think that’s your friend heading this way.”  Haymitch cocked his head in the direction of the side-walk where Peeta was making his way to the back yard like he’d done almost every day for the last twelve years of their lives together.  And yet, it was as if he’d never been there before.  Every nerve in her stomach twisted into a knot at the sight of his tall, muscular figure walking with his hands in his jeans, the warm wind of the afternoon ruffling his hair.  Katniss unconsciously pushed her hair into place, the sight of him dispelling her displeasure with her mother.

 

Oblivious to the smirk Haymitch gave her, she slipped out the kitchen door that went into the yard and met him as he walked up.

 

“Hi.” she said shyly, everything inside of her rattling like loose change.

 

A pink blush spread from Peeta’s neck across his cheeks as he stood looking at her, the same deep blue eyes as always peering out of a breathtakingly handsome face and Katniss felt herself swaying on her feet.  “Hey.” he responded, lapsing into an awkward silence.

 

It had been so easy to be with him until now and Katniss began to feel frightened.  Fear, mixed with anxiety, arousal and nervousness induced a powerful wave of nausea which she tried to stem with a deep drag of air through her nose.

 

“Nervous?” he said.

 

“Just a little.” she burst out before extending her hand.  Peeta seemed to visibly relax and took it, allowing himself to be pulled towards her.  “Let’s go upstairs.” she whispered, to which Peeta nodded before following her.  However, in their shared language,  the tree house was their “upstairs” and they’d managed to keep it up after Katniss’ father died, repainting it last year and reinforcing the beams that suspended it off the ground.  They climbed the refurbished ladder up to the small room, ducking their heads to get inside.  There was just enough room for the two of them if they reclined and didn’t stand up, Peeta’s long legs almost reaching the opposite wall.  It was either here or Peeta’s room but it was this place that contained the most important parts of each of them.

 

Peeta, fidgeted nervously with a threadbare Winnie the Pooh.  Katniss didn’t have the heart to get rid of the stuffed animals, even after she, Peeta and Prim had grown out of playing with them.  They reminded her too much of her father and she knew she’d keep them forever.  Instead, she pushed them aside and reclined against Peeta, putting her head on his shoulder as she had done so many times in the past, except now the air became suddenly charged with electricity, making it hard for either of them to breathe.

 

“Are you sorry?” she asked Peeta after several tense minutes.

 

He shifted away to look her full on in the face.  “No way, I’m not sorry!  I just - I don’t know how to act now.  I don’t want to do anything wrong.”  he said as he pushed a stray hair behind her ear.

 

“Peeta, we’ve been friends forever.  We just keep doing what we’ve always done except…” she paused.

 

“Except with a lot more making out?” he suggested hopefully.

 

Katniss laughed.  “Yeah, that’s it!”  she paused again, staring at his full lips again, that look that undid him crossing her features.   “So here is my offer - want to make out for a little while?  It might help, you know, get rid of the nervousness.”

 

Peeta blushed furiously but his eyes also lit up.  “That sounds like the best idea I’ve heard all day.”

 

He dipped his head down and captured her lips, tentatively at first, then with more confidence as Katniss responded to him.  Aside from the kiss they’d shared the day before, Katniss had never kissed anyone before Peeta so she had no frame of reference for how it should feel.  She attributed the intensity of their first kiss to the shock of the moment and her relief that Peeta wanted to be with her.  So she was unprepared for the sensation that dwarfed the fire she’d first felt.  She stopped thinking altogether and felt her body unfold like a flower beneath the pressure of his lips.  She was unconscious of the way her own arms wound their way around his neck, pulling him down over her because she had become molten lava and was only roused from her stupor of love-drunkeness when she felt the length of his body pressed against her, his large, strong hands holding her head in place.  

 

It was the sort of kiss that two people could not share in public - wet and messy and noisy, a combination of sheer inexperience and hopeless desire.  It would have elicited cat-calls and gags from people going about their day or lewd admonishments to “get a room.’   So when they finally came up for air, Katniss lips were bruised and swollen, and Peeta looked like someone had bitten his lips, which perhaps she had in her impatience to get as close to him as possible.  Their hearts pounded in their ears and the secret places of their bodies, the places they forgot existed until deep in the night when they demanded attention and relief, swelled and made themselves known.  Katniss was on fire, the kissing having done nothing to calm her.  

 

Peeta stared down at her, his hands running timidly over her hips and sides, breathing heavily.  “I’ve wanted to kiss you like that for so long.” he said.

 

“Really?” gasped Katniss as he kissed her neck, making her eyes flutter closed from the sheer pleasure of his lips on her neck.  He simply nodded against her.

 

“I hardly ever thought of dating.  You know that.” she sighed as his lips made their way to her earlobes.  “But when I finally got around to it, it was you.  It had to be you.”  Katniss pushed Peeta back to look at him. “If your feelings ever change, remember we are friends first.  We shouldn’t lose that.”  

 

Peeta gave her a stern look.  “Katniss, if something happens, I don’t think I could ever go back to being just friends.  I’ll always want more from you.”

 

Something froze up inside of Katniss. She becoming aware of just how high the stakes were, how much she stood to lose if things did not work out between them.  She’d lose her best friend and her...love?... all in one blow. For someone who was only too familiar with deep loss, she did not know if she could endure it.  The moment between them was so intense, they didn’t hear Haymitch calling them for dinner until he was right under the tree house.  

 

**XXXXX**

 

“I want to take you out on a date.” He told her one day.

 

Katniss lifted her head from Peeta’s chest.  They lay together on his full-sized bed in his bedroom because they wanted the comfort of stretching out without their toes touching any walls.  

 

“Wouldn’t Prom count as a date?” she asked.

 

Peeta chuckled.  “That seems like an awful lot of pressure for one night.  I mean, we will be in the company of 200 other sweaty, hormonal teenagers, attempting to create meaningful firsts while almost everyone else will only be thinking of mating.”

 

Katniss shifted her position so she could straddle him.  “You make it sound like it’s a bad thing.”  She said this as she ran her hands over his chest, causing him to groan.  She could feel his skin pebble through his t-shirt and thrilled at the effect she had on him.

 

“You’re killing me.” Peeta groaned, his hands sliding over her denim-covered legs and letting them rest on her hips.  He wanted so much to be a gentleman, to not take any risks that things could go wrong but she wasn’t making it easy.  

 

“Oh, come on Peeta,” she teased, “You and me baby, we ain’t nothing but mammals…”

 

“Shhh!  My parents are going to hear you!” he admonished but laughed loudly anyway.  Katniss was happy.  Really, truly happy and that was something he knew he was responsible for.  The realization that he could make her happy, that he was intoxicated by her happiness, was his first indication that he loved her.  This epiphany was hardly earth-shattering - he’d had the intimation that he was in love with her since the first day she opened her mouth to sing.  He almost blurted it out but held himself in check because when he told her, he wanted her to never forget it.

 

“Seriously, Katniss. I want to take you out.  I want to dress up and take you to dinner and then maybe see a movie.  Wouldn’t you like that?”

 

Katniss became very serious.  “Your mom hates me.” she blurted out.

 

“Wha-where did that come from?” Peeta exclaimed with utter confusion.

 

“Well, if you take me out on a date, then you’re going to have to tell her who you’re with and I know for a fact she hates me.”

 

“Who cares?  She already knows I’m taking you to Prom.” replied Peeta.

 

Her eyes grew wide.  “She does?”

 

Peeta looked at her with no small amount of astonishment.  “Of course! I’m borrowing my parent’s BMW for the night.  I’m not taking you in my jalopy - or your death-trap for that matter.”  Peeta’s fathered owned a brand new BMW and Katniss could only imagine getting his parents to lend him that car was no mean feat.  “I had to tell them what it was for.”

 

Katniss cocked her head quizzically to the side and Peeta had the fleeting image of a cat staring him down from her perch on his hips.  “What did your mom say?”

 

“Nothing. You know how my mom is. She only talks if she’s being mean and she was quiet so I generally take that as a good sign.”  Peeta chuckled wryly at this.  “You have to know how to read the signs with her.”

 

Katniss let out the breath she was holding. It was her biggest fear and, while not completely assuaged, the fact that he wouldn’t have to fight his mother about taking her to Prom was an overwhelming relief.

 

“Well,” said Katniss as she stretched the length of her body over his, “where are you taking me?”

 

**XXXXX**

 

Because Katniss could not keep the date hidden from Prim, considering that she never went out on dates, she had to put up with her sister’s teasing while she got ready.  Katniss would have strangled her were it not for the fact that she needed her little pest to help her look halfway decent.  Katniss had absolutely no appropriate going-out clothes, much less casual date-wear, and Prim proved indispensable in helping her get ready.

 

“You and Peeta on a date?   Well, I never saw that one coming!”  teased Prim sarcastically as she styled Katniss’ hair.  She took her small scissors and worked on Katniss’ split ends.  “When was the last time you got a haircut?” scolded Prim.

 

“Last summer.” muttered Katniss with barely disguised irritation.

 

“Last summer?  You hair is screaming for relief!  You can’t just not cut your hair for a year, Katniss!  God, I’m surprised you didn’t stab Peeta with your raggedy fly-aways!” she continued to ramble on in this way and Katniss sighed, not wanting to point out that if Katniss got haircuts as frequently as she was supposed to, then Prim would not be able to get her hair done as frequently either.  

 

“So, is he a good kisser? Is it creepy, like all brother- and sister-like? He’s not a mouth-breather, is he?  God, I hate mouth breathers!”

 

Katniss erupted at this point.  “How the hell do you know about mouth-breathers!?  No, you know what? I don’t want to know!  Just finish up already.  I feel like I’m on a bad episode of iCarly or something.”

 

“Be nice or I won’t do your makeup for Prom.”  chided Prim.

 

“I’ll get Johanna to do it!”

 

“And you’ll end up all Goth.  No way.  I have a duty as your sister to make sure that you do not look like a vampire on your Prom night.”  Prim finished with Katniss hair. “There, all done.  You have other options besides the braid, Katniss.”

 

Katniss opened her mouth to respond when the doorbell rang. She jumped up, quite ready to make her great escape.  Her hands began to shake and she suddenly forgot her irritation with her sister.   

 

“Stay inside and no Rory, okay?” admonished Katniss.

 

“Pfft, as if!  His mom is worse than you!” pouted Prim.

 

“And keep an eye on mom too.”  Katniss added as Prim bolted down the stairs and opened the door.  Peeta stood in the door with a light blue polo and crisp jeans, looking effortlessly handsome.  Katniss tried not to be too besotted and failed, particularly when Peeta took in her seemingly casually thrown together outfit that really had taken an hour of rummaging through three closets to pick out - tight blue jeans and a orange tank-top with a fitted patterned v-neck sweater that emphasized her every curve.  But the finishing touch had been the sandals to showcase her very first pedicure, courtesy of her overzealous little sister.  Her hair was loose - she’d forgone her trademark braid for the evening.  Katniss felt like a prettier version of herself and was pleased at the look of appreciation on Peeta’s face.

 

“Okay, kids!” said Prim, pushing Katniss towards Peeta.  “I have a date with America’s Top Model and you guys are making me late.  Be back at 11 and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”  Prim giggled as Katniss gave her a murderous look before shutting the door behind her.

 

Katniss smiled up at Peeta, shaking her head.  “She’s a mess, that one.”

 

Peeta nodded but instead of responding, brought his hand up to run it through her hair.  “I’ve hardly ever seen your hair loose.  It’s so beautiful.” he whispered before bringing his mouth down to kiss her.  Katniss felt everything south of her belly button turn to liquid and leaned into him, instinctively deepening the kiss until they were both panting.

 

“Come on, before I’m tempted to cancel everything and take you upstairs.”  Peeta pulled her towards his car.  He had an older Volkswagen Jetta with a drop roof that was somewhat leaky.  In addition, the car was a stick so the ride would be somewhat jerky.  It had seen better days but was nothing compared to her rust-bucket.

 

“What, no Beemer for a first date?” Katniss teased.

 

“I already promised my first-born in exchange for Prom night.” he said as he closed the door once she was seated. Coming around the other side, he jumped inside.  “Besides, I washed my car just for you.”  

 

“I’m honored.” she laughed.

 

They ended up going to The Pizza Palace right around the corner from the movie theater.  They didn’t take reservations but Peeta had called in advance and charmed the hostess with the story of his first date with his lifetime friend and scored a table almost as soon as they walked in, even though there was a 20 minute wait.  Katniss shook her head when the waitress gave them meaningful looks throughout the evening.

 

“You are a snake-charmer.” she laughed.

 

Peeta shrugged when Mr. D’Agostino, the owner, personally brought a heart-shaped tiramisu for two. He’d known Katniss’ father when he was alive and bought bread from Mellark’s for his family.   

 

“Your father was a good man.  You look just like him.” he said.

 

“Thank you.” whispered Katniss, humbled by the praise.  She’d always felt her loss had somewhat isolated her from others.  A rare feeling rose up in her that she had to admit was not unpleasant- a sense of belonging.  She reached under the table to take Peeta’s hand and squeeze it gently, knowing that he was partially responsible for her feeling this way.

 

Mr. D’Agostino gave Katniss and Peeta a kiss on both cheeks.  “Dessert’s on me, kids.  No funny business though, okay?” he ruffled Peeta’s hair, much to his chagrin before the older gentleman returned to the kitchen.

 

**XXXXX**

 

They’d chosen to watch a romantic comedy which both Katniss and Peeta enjoyed.  Walking back to the car, they took the long way, crossing the street to look inside the illuminated but closed window fronts.  Katniss leaned into Peeta and felt the most perfect feeling of contentment and was sure that her world had been compressed into the space of a bubble, all that was good and happy trapped on the inside while everything that brought terror and unhappiness was locked outside beyond the fragile boundary.  They hardly spoke and Katniss marveled at how easy and perfect it was to be with him.  When he brought her back to his Jetta and they were settled in to go, Peeta pulled Katniss over his clutch to kiss her.  

 

“I want to take you somewhere.” he said in a husky voice.

 

“We are somewhere.” she said as she nipped at his jaw, not wanting to end their kiss.

 

“I know but I have a place in mind.  Are you in a hurry to get back?”

 

“Pfft, as if!” said Katniss in mockery of her little sister.

 

Peeta chuckled as he put the car in gear and took off.  

 

Panem was a small to medium sized town in the mountains, the suburb of Capital City, the major administrative center of the tri-state region.  There were streets that became steep, sloping upwards and winding deep into the mountains.  Peeta took one of these, chugging up a dark mountain road until he arrived at a plateau and pulled in.  Katniss, who normally would have been scared out of her mind, was utterly at peace and would have followed Peeta to the moon if he had suggested it.  

 

It was a scenic overlook, with only a dim lamp to illuminate the thick darkness.  About ten feet ahead of them was a metal barrier and a sheer drop into the trees below.  However, across the barrier were the lights of Panem and the larger, brighter lights of Capitol City a little further in the distance.  From this elevation, it looked like a small Christmas village, each light twinkling with it’s own periodicity which, altogether, led to a spontaneous sea of diamond-like supernovas illuminating the horizon against the vast darkness of the sky.  

 

Peeta dropped the top of the car - a noisy proposition requiring him to use a manual crank that made Katniss laugh and wonder out loud if they’d ever get it to close again.  He gave her a “whatever” look before pulling out a flashlight and a blanket and inviting her to take the back seat.  

 

“My, you are forward, Mr. Mellark.” teased Katniss as she settled in the back and buried herself under the blanket with him.

 

“Well, I figured we could dispense with the small talk since we’ve been talking for the last twelve years.” he laughed as he squeezed her to him.

 

They sat quietly, looking out over the city and up into the infinity that stretched above their heads.  As their eyes adjusted to the darkness, they took turns pointing out the different constellations of Leo, Virgo and Ursula Major, remembering what they could of the myths that gave rise to them.  There was the Hydra, which slithered across the sky and was partially obscured by the bright lights of Capitol City and Andromeda, the closest galaxy to the Milky Way.

 

Katniss listened to Peeta’s heart under her ear, the steady thump lulling her into a state of perfect relaxation and she could swear her heart was matching his beat for beat.  She ran her hand over the expanse of his warm, muscular chest, her own skin heating up with the contact and felt his sharp intake of breath when her hands slipped under his polo to traverse the path they had taken before, this time feeling every hair and pebbling of skin directly beneath her fingertips.  Peeta dropped his head back against the seat of the car, his eyes becoming unfocused, staring dazedly up into the night sky.  Katniss hands dance across his skin, her fingertips running over his nipple causing him to arch reflexively and suck in a ragged breath from the sensation of her hands on him.  Her delicate fingers traversed the territory of his stomach and dipped into his belly button, the muscles beneath twitching from her touch.

 

Not satisfied with torturing him in this way, she lifted her head and ran her tongue along his neck down to his collarbone, reckless with her hunger.  Peeta groaned as she covered his neck with wet kisses.  When he couldn’t resist anymore, he pushed her down onto the seat, using a wrestling maneuver to get her under him.  Here Peeta attacked her mouth, his hands slipping under the waistband of her jeans to tug the tank top up and allow his strong hands to sweep across her unbearably soft skin.  He repaid her favor in kind, his hands molding themselves to the slope of her rib cage, skirting the boundary of her bra where beneath lay the small mounds of her perfectly rounded breasts.

 

Peeta pulled back a moment to study Katniss, the glint in his eyes dwarfing the twinkling lights of the city below.  In response to his unspoken request, she pulled her tank top off and let him look at her for one breathless moment in the dull golden light of the street lamp which cast more shadows than light.  He brought his nose down to breath in her scent, running the tip along her skin, while his lips showered her breasts with kisses, releasing a sigh of exultation after having waited so long to be with her.

 

"I know it's a cliche` but you are unbelievably beautiful.  I don't think anyone was ever beautiful before you."   Peeta whispered as he pulled the strap down to free her from the confines of her bra.  He brought his head down to lavish her breasts with attention, kissing each nipple in turn, measuring her every reaction to his mouth.  He licked the skin, memorizing the taste of her and worried her breasts with his hands until Katniss moaned incomprehensibly, tugging at his hair to keep the pleasure from ending.  

 

"Is this good?" he asked.

 

Katniss laughed.   "Oh g-god, yes!  S-so g-good!"  She pulled him up to kiss him passionately. "Take your shirt off."

 

Peeta whipped his shirt off, tossing it onto the front seat before settling down to kiss her again.  When his skin made contact with hers, he moaned into her mouth.  The feeling of her melting into him was more exquisite still and they both became greedy, tearing off their remaining clothing until they were stretched awkwardly along the back seat, caressing and kissing every where they could reach.  What they lacked in expertise, they made up for in eagerness, their understanding of each other's souls from so many years of intimacy translating to an easy willingness to hand over their bodies to one another.

 

Peeta let his hands run the length of Katniss body, a longing beyond need possessing him to know every inch of her luminous olive skin and his lips followed soon behind.  Her joints were as evocative as her breasts and the small juncture of her skin connecting her arm to her shoulder was as worthy of attention as her lips.  When his fingers slipped down between them and he encountered her wetness for the first time, he almost buckled from the sensation.  This was Katniss, his Katniss undone before him and he knew he would not tire of wanting her like this.  

 

They had not planned to be together in this way, at least not on their “technical” first date but there were forces in the air that night that made giving themselves to each other as inevitable as the rising and setting of the constellations under which they made love.  He was hers and she was his and anything else at that moment was unthinkable.  When he sheathed himself inside of her, it was with the abandon of a love that had been nursed through every kind of hardship and deprivation and sprang up like the first buds of May after the dreamless sleep of the long winter season.  

 

When it was all over and they'd returned from the the heavens, Peeta cradled Katniss against him, felt her satiation with the deep sigh she released into the cooling air and whispered his question into her ear, to which she gave her heartfelt response, "Real."

 

**XXXXX**

 

Katniss swatted her sister away, frustrated at the amount of time it was taking her to finish her make-up.  

 

“Fine, Miss Impatient but you are going to thank me when you check yourself out!”  chirped Prim happily.  Katniss stood in front of the mirror and admired her appearance.  Her sister had done an amazing job of applying just enough color to make her look made-up without looking trashy.  Her eyes, in particular, were smoky and alluring, the natural grey color popping out from the broad strokes of charcoal color on her lids. She wore her green, movie star-dress  that hugged all of Katniss’ curves and just swept the tips of golden sandals and freshly redone toes.

 

“I’m wearing more makeup this month than I ever have in my entire life!” complained Katniss half-heartedly as she admired her look.  Prim had straightened and flattened her hair so that it lay in an uninterrupted cascade over her back and shoulders.

 

“That’s what happens when you get a boyfriend.” said Prim as she straightened Katniss’ dress, smoothing out creases that had formed while she sat for the finishing touches to her hair.

 

“Well, it was torture but you did a really good job!” Katniss said, genuinely impressed by her transformation.  Prim beamed with pleasure as Katniss ruffled her hair.   

 

“Oh, don’t forget this, tiger!” exclaimed Prim before handing Katniss a small gold clutch to use with the outfit.

 

A knock on the door announced that prep was over and Katniss felt her stomach jump into her throat.  She waited to hear Prim’s voice before coming down the stairs, cringing at the stereotype of the girl descending the stairs to meet her Prom date, wherein the boy places a giant flower on her wrist and marvels at her transformation from gorgeous girl next door to super-model next door.  

 

But there was no way around the trope, except for the flower, with which Peeta thankfully dispensed.  However, the way his eyes roamed over her body made her blush and was nothing like the coming of age stories from which this scene had been taken.  There was one additional variation on the theme and that was the presence of her mother in the doorway of the living room, watching Katniss cross the entryway.

 

“You’re so very pretty.” said Mrs. Everdeen, her eyes taking in her daughter, the way she had become a woman quite without her having marked it.  Katniss nodded to her mother in acknowledgement but as quickly as she spoke, she was soon lost in a memory that no longer involved Katniss.  Katniss wanted to talk to her mother but she’d already turned away and floated off to the room.

 

Looking back at Peeta, she took in the Italian double-breasted dark grey suit and charcoal shirt, the grey and green tie and green handkerchief the same color as her dress.  He was ravishing and made it difficult for her to have a coherent thought.  Taking her by the elbow, he placed her next to him so that Prim could take several pictures of them together and even insisted on a photo of his parent’s car, which Katniss thought was a bit much but Peeta gave into happily.  Prim was like his little sister so he indulged her worse than Katniss did.

 

As soon as Prim was locked away in the house, Peeta pulled Katniss to him and kissed her, smudging her lipstick.  “I’ve been dying to do that ever since you came down those stairs.” he murmured, his voice gruff with need.

 

“Just that?” purred Katniss.

 

“No.” growled Peeta as he opened the door to the BMW.  “I’m going to remove that dress with my teeth.”

 

Even though his comment provoked a flush of moisture between her legs, she feigned indifference.  “Promises, promises.”

 

Sliding into the driver’s seat, Peeta ran his hand over her leg before putting the car into gear.  “I always keep my promises.  You’ll see.”  With that, he pulled out onto the street and made his way towards the dance hall.  Katniss pressed the button overhead to slide open the sunroof and take in the fresh air and cool starlight of the evening.

 

That night would have been perfect.  They would have gone to dinner, this time at Manny’s, where Peeta had called for a reservation the very night he asked Katniss to Prom.  Afterwards, they would have met Jo, Cato, Delly, Thom, Marvel and Clove and owned the night, Katniss with her silky, loose hair sweeping across his arm and hooded deep grey eyes peering up at him as they swayed to some sentimental love song.  Jo and Delly would have gotten everyone to make fun of other people’s outfits, sniffing at their total lack of style.  They would have voted for Prom King and Queen before cutting out and heading back to Jo’s for drinks because her mom was away for the weekend.

 

And while everyone was overdoing the expensive liquor, Katniss and Peeta would have snuck out into the guest house where Peeta indeed would have taken Katniss’ dress off with his teeth and discovered she’d worn nothing beneath that scrumptious bit of green fabric.  Amidst gasps and moans of pleasure, Peeta would have repeated how much he loved Katniss, that he’d always love her and wanted to make sure they’d alway be together and that it wasn’t much but here was a promise ring for now because he always kept his promises and would one day make her his in the eyes of everyone who mattered and most who didn’t.  Katniss would have teared up from happiness, while simultaneously scolding him for spending so much money on her before losing the night to his words and lips.

 

That night would have been perfect but the stars are as cold as they are beautiful and it wasn’t until the last minute that Peeta saw the van swerve into his lane and he tried, with all the instinct of a 17 year old boy possessing the advantages of youth, a well-built machine and the motivation to preserve that fragile thing he’d build with Katniss, to escape its murderous trajectory but the speed was too great even for him and the van plowed into the back passenger’s side, sending the car flipping onto the other side of the highway.  The last thing Katniss remembered was a star that danced just at the edge of her vision, twinkling impassively through the mangled window of the car’s sunroof.

 

The paramedics said they were lucky - they’d had seat belts and airbags that had gone off one after the other like giant bubble gum balls that swelled and swelled until they popped.  It would be days before Katniss regained consciousness but Peeta had to be airlifted from the scene to the trauma center at Capitol General where they found the mangled box with the promise ring wedged inside, a ring Katniss never got the chance to wear for there was no way either of them could know of fate’s cruel decree - that it would be a year before they saw each other again.

  
  
  
  



	3. Day 3 - Queen Anne's Lace (Fantasy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: A fic in seven parts. Part 3 - Even with little hope of being with Peeta again, Katniss comforts herself with the memory of him.

 

_**And I will try my best to let it subside** _

_**I’m letting go without taking any part of** _

_**Something that my heart truly wants** _

_**And no one will ever see you the way I do.** _

__

_**In high definition, I’m dreaming of you** _

_**And with my disposition, I’m losing my cool** _

_**With my everything, I’d give anything to be with you.** _

__

_**-from Coffee by Yuna** _

 

Katniss sat curled up on the striped armchair of her shared dormitory, holding the letter limply in her hand as she stared out onto the leaf-strewn lawn of the student residence building.  She’d just completed her first major project of her college career when the letter came in the mail.  Her first feeling, strangely enough, was gratitude for had it arrived even a day earlier, she would have been unable to complete the assignment and her first academic triumph would have turned into a spectacular failure. The fact that it came in the mail, handwritten and signed, left no doubt as to the writer or the seriousness of his intent, causing what little of her heart remained in her chest to shrink in her chest.

By all accounts, she appeared to be very a lucky young lady.  Before the accident, she’d already received approval letters from some of the most prestigious universities in the country with varying commitments of financial support.  She went with Capitol Excelsior, the exclusive campus of the Capitol State University system, boasting one of the best biomedical research laboratories in the country which also happened to offer to pay all four years of her studies.  Most of it had to do with her academics but she had also applied for, and won, a scholarship based on financial need, effectively covering all of her expenses. Katniss still kept a part-time job at the nearby national park to make sure Prim had everything she needed, except perhaps supervision, which was somewhat provided by Haymitch when she took Katniss’ place at the Emporium.  Katniss had also taken up archery in her free time, finding that the solitude of the sport suited her current temperament just fine.

However, even her bows and arrows would not be able to get her through this day.

Because she now understood that no matter how much time passed, no matter what wall of accomplishments she built between herself and that night, she would never, ever begin to piece the shattered bits of herself back together again.  She could function.  She’d eat and drink and sleep.  Sometimes, if she chanced to forget, she might even laugh.  But mostly, she would do what she had to do to get on with life.  She’d throw herself into her school work to forget because there was no joy in remembering.  And if she allowed herself to fall apart, it would be ten times harder to pull herself together again.  Of this she was certain, for she’d already fallen apart and the only thing that kept her limping along with her damaged parts was Prim.

Katniss saw him everywhere she looked.  She saw him in the dark mountains looming over her childhood home.  She saw him in the giant elm trees that reminded her of their tree house, once full of so much fantasy and affection and now hollow from disuse.  She saw him in the blond-headed boys that jostled through the throng of students in the courtyard, sprinting breathlessly from one class to the next class.  There was no peace in closing herself away from everyone because every time she closed her eyes, he appeared like a specter in the darkness of her mind.  

These were the things she knew for sure:

On that fateful night six months ago, a drunk driver swerved into their lane.  Peeta had tried to avoid what could have turned into a fatal head-on collision by swerving the car into the opposite lane but the speed of the van was such that when it hit the passenger door just behind Katniss’ , the force of the impact caused the car to spin and flip over several times.  

Katniss woke in the beeping, sterile room of Panem’s Medical Center, so disoriented that for a moment, she thought the blinking lights of the monitor above her head were part of the constellations she and Peeta gazed at on the night of their technical first date.  She was momentarily so filled with a mindless joy that she imagined the pressure of the worn leather seat beneath her naked back and longed to pull him closer to her but the movement of her arm only resulted in her tugging the IV line, the pinch plunging her back into the maelstrom of real life.  She turned her head to see Haymitch pacing next to her, the light outside peeking through the hospital window rendering a night of constellations impossible by the brutal light of day.  Haymitch turned in time to see her eyes open in confusion.

“Hey, Sweetheart.” he whispered, his face haggard with worry.

Katniss tried to speak and failed, then wet her dry lips and tried again.

“P-p-eeta?” she whispered.

“Just rest, kid.  Your mother is outside.  I’ll go get her.”  he made to turn but Katniss was impatient and did not know where she found the strength.

“Peeta?” she said with more clarity.

Haymitch took a deep breath.  “He’s in Capitol General.  Their trying to save his life.”

 

**XXXXX**

 

It turns out, Katniss suffered a major concussion, a broken arm and four broken ribs.  But Peeta’s injuries were worse because of the way the car landed.  His leg had been pinned in the wreckage and he lost blood quickly, which sent him into shock.  He was air-lifted to Capitol City General, his heart stopping twice before he arrived, pumped up with foreign blood, where after several hours of surgery, the medical team was forced to amputate his leg.  

She found this out from Haymitch and as soon as she was upright, Katniss desperately tried every means of communicating with Peeta.  But he was all the way in Capitol City in the ICU while she was stuck in Panem with a massive concussion and broken bones.  Because he was still a minor, his parents dictated who could see or speak to him and anyway, it was family only in the ICU.  As soon as she was strong enough, she’d managed to convince Haymitch to drive her out there, broken bones and all, but she’d only gotten as far as the double doors of the unit before she was turned away.  At that point, she collapsed into Haymitch’s arms and cried in frustration while he murmured soothingly into her hair.

When she got better, she trudged by his house on their street ten times a day but it remained closed and mute against her. Katniss went down to the bakery each day, hoping to speak to someone about Peeta but she was always greeted with the large, handwritten “Closed for Family Emergency” sign. Katniss called his cell phone but her calls went straight to voicemail and her emails went unacknowledged.  It was as if Peeta had simply up and disappeared and she only knew of him through an occasional update in the newspaper or the odd overheard conversation.

Her first emotion was anger in that period.  How hard would it have been for his family to communicate with her? She was his best friend for years!  But when Delly Cartwright came to her at school one day to tell her that she had heard from her mother that Peeta was being moved from the ICU soon, that's when she lost it, screaming at Delly at the top of her lungs and, unable to be restrained, earned her first referral ever in her academic career.  Why should Delly know more about Peeta than her?  Katniss became hostile to everyone for being denied the privilege of access that others seemed to receive so easily.

In a show of solidarity, her school had decided to collect get well cards and letters from students to send over to the hospital where Peeta lay recovering from his surgery and, like a common teenager who had not spent most of her life with him, who did not know the way he sounded after making love, who had not memorized the taste of him, she wrote a long heartfelt letter and placed it inside of a get-well card and envelope and cast it onto the pile with the other cards to be boxed up and sent over to the hospital.  She only hoped that one day, Peeta would somehow stumble on her letter.

 

**XXXXX**

 

After a week of religiously passing by his house each and every day, looking for signs of returning life, a blue Mercedes with temporary tags was suddenly parked outside in the driveway.  Without a second thought, Katniss sprinted to the front door and knocked loudly, hope bubbling up inside of her and threatening to paralyze her.  She stepped back when she saw Mrs. Mellark open the door.  Katniss did not know what to expect so she was taken by surprise when the older woman stepped through the doorway and enveloped her in a warm hug.

“Katniss!  It’s so good to see you up and about.  Please, come in.” she pulled Katniss inside and led her to the living room.  Katniss was too stunned to resist - Mrs. Mellark had been, at best, indifferent towards her and this sudden show of warmth caught her off guard.  However, her wariness was swallowed up by the joy she felt at finally being able to get useful information about Peeta and maybe even arrange to see him.

"Here, dear, have a seat.  It does my heart so much good to see you looking healthy after that terrible ordeal." exclaimed Mrs. Mellark, her voice dripping with gentility.  "Would that Peeta were so fortunate!"  Her eyes became glassy with unshed tears and Katniss was seized with a moment of compassion for the woman.  

"Mrs. Mellark, I’ve been trying so hard to get information about Peeta.  How is he?  When can I see him?"  Katniss' heart raced in her chest at the thought that she might finally be able to see him for herself and she was close to tears of relief at the idea of it.

"Katniss.  He isn't in Capitol General anymore," she said gently.

"What?  Where is he?"  All the hope that Katniss felt in the last 5 minutes had plummeted through the ground and out the other side of the earth.

"He's been flown out to a facility in Colorado that specializes in recovering amputees.  And honestly," here Mrs. Mellark closed her eyes as if her next words would pain her more than Katniss, " He doesn't want to see you. Not now."

Katniss felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room.  "Why wouldn't he want to see me?"  She was aware of the plaintive tone of her voice but did not have the means to repress her encroaching panic.

"Oh dear.  You have to understand how it is with boys.  He has lost an important part of his body.  He doesn't want to deal with trivialities - not, of course, that you were trivial -" Mrs. Mellark smiled, attempting to placate Katniss but her smile looked more like a sneer, "but the last thing he is thinking about right now is his friends.  Why, he's barely even asked about you!"  Mrs. Mellark's face fell sadly again at this.

The world around Katniss began spinning and she suddenly felt nauseous.  She just could not believe he didn't want to see her when he occupied her every waking thought.  She felt so ill, she lost the ability to respond further to Mrs. Mellark.

"Perhaps in six months, when the loss of his leg is not so fresh in his mind, he will be interested in talking to his friends again.  It is our fervent hope."  Mrs. Mellark brushed her skirt as if to clear off imaginary bread crumbs from her lap.  "In the meantime, you are young and beautiful and frankly, very lucky that you walked away from that accident with everything intact."  The older woman stood up in a clear signal that the conversation was over.  "I have to pack up a few things now because we fly out this evening to be with Peeta.  Bannick will come back to reopen the bakery next week but right now, our family needs to be together."

Katniss, meanwhile, could not see or hear anything anymore.  She tried to stand but her legs felt like rubber and she managed to catch herself on the back of the sofa before she fell.  She did not walk away from the wreckage intact.  She'd left her heart somewhere in that mangled car and was convinced now that she would never see it again.

Mrs. Mellark guided her to the door and paused a moment to look at Katniss' ashen face.  "I think it would be best if Peeta wrote to you himself and told you about these things.  As soon as he is settled in, I’ll be sure to ask him to do so. It might help you...move on."  Mrs. Mellark gave Katniss a kiss on her forehead, her lips feeling dry and scratchy against Katniss’ skin before closing the door.

Katniss stood staring at the door, unable to make a decision about what to do next.  She concentrated on getting her feet moving, one after the other and without knowing how, she found herself at the foot of her tree house.  By the time she scrambled up the ladder and entered the now sacred space where she and Peeta had spent so many moments together, Katniss was already hiccupping into the air.  However, the place that had brought her so much comfort in the past became a further torture, for with every burst of breath her lungs tried to take in, she thought she could smelled him. Every place her eyes landed revealed another memory they had built together and would now have to be forgotten - the toys, the large pillows, the worn rug - and after struggling with the visible proof of so many shared years all crammed inside that small space, she buried her face into one of those treacherous pillows and screamed his name over and over until her throat was raw.

 

**XXXXX**

 

There was still the matter of high school, which took forever to end that year.  Katniss had stopped being productive - a distorted kind of Senioritis that was infinitely darker than the variety that afflicted her school mates.  Luckily, she had long completed her arrangements for college or she might have missed the opportunity from sheer grief.  Johanna tried to draw her out, inviting her to the lake to swim, trying to take her shopping for graduation or simply to hang out at her house with their other friends.  Sometimes, Katniss dutifully accompanied her but it was obvious to everyone that half of Katniss had gone missing.  This became particularly clear when Johanna unthinkingly rented the very movie Katniss and Peeta had gone to see on their first technical date, causing Katniss to become hysterical and lock herself inside her bedroom closet from which even Prim could not free her.

And the nights were endless.  She had continuous nightmares - about the accident, losing Peeta, always Peeta - and found no relief in waking because he wasn’t there in the morning with his unruly golden hair and crooked smile, the deep stellar gleam of his blue eyes to drive away the images of horror that dominated her nights. She feared sleep, roaming the house in the deep of night in an attempt to keep the specters away but her body exhausted itself in its evasions and she had no choice but to give in and close her eyes.

But worse than the nightmares were the dreams; the ones she invariably encouraged through her fantasies.  To get through those weeks, Katniss took to fantasizing about Peeta all the time.  She started with the obvious ones - of the accident not taking place, of their injuries being less severe.  Reunions.  Reconciliations.  But soon they became more intensely graphic and when she wasn’t at school or Abernathy’s, she locked herself in her bedroom with the color print-out of the Prom pictures Prim had taken of them and anesthetized her emptiness with fantasies of their time together.

She always began by staring at their picture - Peeta, perfectly dashing in his suit, holding her gently at his side.  The picture would come to life in her mind, the people contained there not broken but young and whole and on fire for each other. They would make it to the dance.  They would graduate together.

Sometimes, however it was his room that she saw, but tonight it was their tree house where  they ended up locked away from the world, the night bright with lit and unlit stars peeking through the skylight as Peeta kissed her, his tongue painting designs on her ears and neck. They were magically naked, and he lay on her, cupping her breasts as he sucked on them until she was desperate for more.  His mouth ran a trail of flames along her stomach, his tongue swirling like a whirlpool in her belly button.  He said her name, caressing the smooth texture of her skin before his mouth was on the tender surface of the inside of her thigh.  Kneeling between her legs, he spread her feverish lips and let his tongue run up and down their length, making her release noisy gasps into the air.  She did not know how it actually felt but just the thought of it brought on a rush of throbbing arousal and Katniss in the real world slipped her hand inside the waistband of her pajamas, her fingers finding their way between her wet folds.    

In her dream, he licked her, making her squirm with pleasure, his name falling from her lips as he slipped his finger inside of her.  His clever tongue worried her little nub of desire, flicking it before covering it with his lips and sucking gently, making her back arch off of the blanket.  He put another finger inside of her and pumped in and out, trailing kisses up over her body and her breathing came in gasps, her body racing to meet him until, with his lips tasting of her, he kissed her and her body fell apart, wave after wave washing over her.

“I love watching you come, Katniss.” he whispered in her ear as he withdrew his wet fingers and settled between her legs, holding his thick, hard cock in his hand.  She reached down to stroke it, her hands running the length of his shaft before she got on her hands and knees, kissing Peeta gently before pushing him onto a cushion. Taking his throbbing cock in hand, she kissed the tip, a shuddering breath escaping Peeta’s lips.

“What are you doing?” asked Peeta.

Katniss smiled and, without taking her eyes off of him, ran her tongue in circles over the tip, a motion that made him moan her name as if he was in pain. She lavished his cock with her tongue, running the flat of it along the shaft before taking it into her mouth.  It tasted like him as she moved her head up and down, making it wet with her saliva.  Peeta’s hips bucked and he grabbed her hair, guiding her movements over him.

Without warning, he stopped and pulled out of her mouth.  “Why did you do that?” she asked, genuinely disappointed because she was enjoying the effect she was having on him.

He pulled her to him, kissing her while he kneaded one of her breast.  “I don’t want to come yet.”

“Well, then.” she said cockily as she leaned back and opening her legs, beckoning to him. “Come on, Peeta.  Make me come again.” she teased, running her fingers along her folds and slipping a finger in as he watched in rapt amazement.

“I’m enjoying the show just fine from here.” he said, a hungry look crossing his features as he stroked himself.

Katniss dipped her finger inside, finding a rhythm that caused her to climb.  She writhed beneath his gaze, massaging one of her breasts as she became more and more wound up. This time, she wanted Peeta inside of her when she came.

“Please, come here.” she begged.  Before she’d finished the sentence, he was hovering over her, his cock plunging hard inside, eliciting a yelp of surprise as he slammed into her.  “That better for you?” he asked as she brought her legs up around his waist, and took what he gave, savoring the feel of his body slapping hard against hers.  She touched herself as he watched with a feral look, her body seizing up again, this time with him buried inside of her and she came, clenching her legs around his hips.  Peeta couldn’t hold on any longer and released inside of her, because in her dreams, they could take all the risks they wanted to.

As their imaginary bodies soared toward completion, Katniss rubbed herself on the cold, lonely bed of her room, the picture she held now clenched in her sweaty hand as, instead of the joyful release of her dreamself, she came with tears of rage and agony.

 

**XXXXX**

 

Katniss straightened up, shifting her legs from their cramped position on the armchair.  She let herself remember him, a shiver running through her as the chill of the October air penetrated through the window.  She brought the page up to her nose and was sure that she could smell him on the missive, the  musky scent of him that would thicken the air of a room when they’d been together.  She unfolded it and looked at the familiar script, re-reading the letter. Though it was masochistic, at the very least it confirmed to her that the person who had been the center of her existence for so long had not disappeared into thin air:

 

_Dear Katniss,_

_I’m sincerely sorry that I waited so long to write to you.  I’ve been in really bad shape, as you might know, and I’m only now getting myself together to do normal things - like write my best friend a letter.  I wanted you to know it was really from me.  I could have called but hearing your voice right now would just be too hard for me._

_I lost my left leg.  They removed it from just about mid thigh.  I've been staying with relatives in Boulder, Colorado getting fitted with some new state of the art prosthetic and learning to use it.  I’m also being fitted for running blades and a prosthetic for swimming though I don’t think I’ll be doing either anytime soon._

_I lucked out with graduation - they kind of just gave me my diploma with my GPA at the time of the accident, which was a good one.  I’m taking a little bit of time off to think about what I am going to do about college but at least I won’t have to go get my G.E.D._

_I know things happened between us and I don’t regret any of it.  In fact, some days, I miss you so much, I think I’m going to get out of bed and limp all the way back home to you. But that would be selfish of me.  You deserve someone whole and complete, like you, not some scarred cyborg missing parts of his body.  What we had together was beautiful and thinking of you on our technical first date gets me through most of the hard times because I’ve missed you so much, I think sometimes I’ll go crazy from it.  But I don’t have the right to keep you from someone who can dance with you, take you hiking in the mountains, climb a ladder to your tree house.  Don’t waste your time thinking about me because you can have so much more than me._

_You were the best thing that ever happened to me - my best friend and my great love.  I’ll never ever forget that, no matter what happens. So if you move on and be happy, you will have made me happy too._

_Your friend,_

_Peeta_

 

_Your friend, Peeta._

 

Of all the things in that letter that undid her, it was the _Your friend, Peeta_ , that was the biggest slap in her face.  As if what they’d been to one another could be reduced to just another casual association, a number to call when you’re bored, a body to take up an empty seat at a cafe.  Katniss did not want to keep re-reading the letter, stabbing her heart with his empty rationalizations but she couldn’t bring herself to throw it away.  Walking over to her desk, she opened a drawer and pulled out a keepsake box, folding the letter back into its envelope like packing away a dream and set the letter inside. At that moment, the door of her dormitory burst open and in came Johanna followed by her second roommate, Annie Cresta, a beautiful, red-headed, albeit shy girl from Boston.

“Brainless!  You know what day it is?”  she said as she jumped dramatically onto her bed.

Katniss sighed.  They’d had some version of this conversation every week since they arrived on campus.  “Yes, Jo.  It’s Saturday.”

“And do you know what happens on Saturday?” she asked as Annie hung up her jacket and sat carefully next to Jo.  Katniss looked to her for help but she simply shrugged her shoulders.

“Let me see.  It sounds like a ‘watch Netflix and fall asleep eating a tub of cookie dough night’ for Katniss.  What do you think, girls?” Katniss groused.

“Well, what crawled up your butt and died, Kat?” she complained before perking up.  “You don’t get off the hook tonight. We’re all going to a party.” she stood up and began to strip her clothes off.  Jo had no sense of modesty and could strip like a jock in a locker room.

“I think Katniss doesn’t want to go out.” whispered Annie.

“She never wants to go out.  But somebody is asking about you and I have been put under obligation to deliver the goods.” Jo dumped her clothes in the hamper and went to the closet to pull out a fresh outfit.  “It’s been six months.  You need to get out of this dorm room.”

Katniss bristled with irritation.  She was angry and hurt and was not in the mood to be trifled with.  “Please, Jo, not tonight.”

Annie studied Katniss.  She was intuitive by nature and understood that something was not right with her.  She knew of her accident, her relationship with Peeta, his radio-silence all these months after his accident so she knew that Katniss was carrying a stone of unhappiness in her stomach everywhere she went.

“Did something happen?” asked Annie.  Jo, who’d put on her bathrobe, froze and stared at her.

Katniss stood rooted to the spot, a sudden explosion of emotion threatening to force tears out of her eyes.  “I…ah…” she stammered, then turned suddenly to her desk and pulled out the keepsake box and the letter.  Without saying  a word, she handed it carefully to them and turned to face the window, hugging herself.  Annie read the letter as Johanna looked over her shoulder.  When Katniss was sure they were done, she spoke in a voice barely above a whisper.

“I’ve thought about him every minute of every day since the accident.  I miss everything about him and nothing makes me happy anymore.”  Katniss sniffed quietly. “How am I going to get through this!” Katniss shoulders shook gently from her sobs.

“Oh, Katniss!” exclaimed Annie, hugging her from behind.  Johanna stood quietly by, considering them for a moment.

“That was a shitty way to friendzone you, accident or no accident.” she said.  “All the more reason to go out!” said Johanna.

Katniss shook her head.  “I can’t, Jo.” she muttered.

“Yes, you can!  And you will.  My grandmother always said - the best way to heal a dog’s bite is with the hair of another.”  Jo pulled Katniss to her and gave her a rough hug.  “Preferably with pubic hair.” she hissed loudly.

Katniss laughed through her tears while Annie groaned, shaking her head.  

“You’re going out tonight.”  she affected a British accent.  “A certain Gale Hawthorne wishes to make your re-acquaintance.”  Katniss made to protest but Johanna put up her hand.  “No arguments!  If you’re not going to get laid, the least you can do is get drunk. And not another word about Peeta Mellark unless it is to offer up a toast to his leg.”  At this, she pulled Katniss in for a sincere, powerful hug.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Days 4-7 will be posted during Prompts in Panem's make-up weekend, March 29-30, 2014. I will then post the remaining chapters here and to ffnet. Thank you for reading!


	4. Day 4 - Hyacinth (Fertility)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Just when Katniss is convinced she’s been able to move on without Peeta, Fate proves yet again to be a fickle mistress.

 

 

**Day 4:  Hyacinth (Fertility)**

**(Eros)**

_**For you** _

_**I offer this kiss to the wind** _

_**It will carry it where you are** _

_**It will reveal what I feel.** _

_**For you** _

_**I was able to offer nothing** _

_**And because of this** _

_**In your life, you felt abandoned.** _

 

**(Eros and Amaia)**

_**It’s possible, perhaps** _

_**Had I known what would happen** _

_**I would have been better to you** _

_**But now it’s too late** _

__

_**Now what?** _

__

_**You can continue to chase your comets** _

_**While you wander the open spaces of your dreams** _

_**Maybe now you will reach all your aspirations** _

_**And find a better place than the one you lived with me.** _

__

_**Except that-** _

**(Eros)**

_**It shouldn’t have turned out this way.** _

**(Eros and Amaia)**

_**If only because-** _

**(Eros)**

_**My loneliness now is so much greater** _

_**Without you.** _

**-from _Esta Pasando Noviembre_ \- Duet by Eros Ramazzotti feat. Amaia Montero**

**Tranlated by titania**

**Flashback:**

Katniss was impressed with Peeta’s portable racetrack and spent most of the morning racing her green Matchbox car against his orange Racer.  She loved Saturdays because, even if she did see Peeta every day in school, they weren’t allowed to really talk or play except during recess Their first grade teacher, Ms. Trinkett, got very upset when the two of them twittered during circle time, so much so that on Friday, she’d had to separate them.  Katniss was stuck with icky Enobaria and Peeta sat sullenly next to Brutus.  At least when she was assigned to Delly, she would share her jelly beans with Katniss when the teacher wasn’t looking but Enobaria still liked to bite when she got frustrated, which Katniss thought was very babyish.  Katniss hadn’t bitten anyone since she was 3 years old.

When Katniss tired of racing, she helped Peeta pack them into the little plastic case that he used to carry his cars and pulled out her worn dollhouse and figures.  Peeta knew this game and soon they were saying their lines - Katniss playing the mommy, dressing the baby, ordering Peeta about while Peeta preferred to play the role of daddy or the dog, most of times both.

“You think the stork will bring us babies when we’re big?” asked Katniss while she was arranging the teacups and plates on the toy table.  The thick braid swinging over her shoulder came dangerously close to knocking over her small tea pot.

Peeta shrugged, his little dog carrying a bone happily around the miniature table.  “Maybe.”

“Well, when we’re big, we can get married and get a baby.”

“Babies are noisy.” said Peeta, wrinkling his nose, causing the freckles across his nose to bunch together.

“Not always.  Prim wasn’t that noisy.” said Katniss somewhat defensively.  “Sometimes she cried when she was hungry.”

“They smell like poop too!” giggled Peeta.  “Poopie pants!”

Katniss crossed her arms, pouting.  “That’s not nice!  I won't marry you  if you aren't nice.”

Peeta put down his doggie and picked up the daddy doll, walking him up to the mommy Katniss held in her hand and placed the head of his doll against hers in the attitude of a kiss like he’d seen Mr. and Mrs. Everdeen do sometimes when they didn’t think the children were looking.

“I'm sorry," he said in a small voice.  "Mrs. Trinket says everybody can make mistakes but as long as we say sorry, then it's okay."  He said this with supreme contrition.

“Fine.” said Katniss, somewhat sorry that she had scolded him.  “We can get married and we’ll order just one baby, okay?” said Katniss.

“O...kay…” said Peeta with resignation as he grabbed the ball.  “Let’s play kick-ball.”

Katniss’ eyes widened with excitement.  “Yeah!” she said as she ran after Peeta, their conversation all but forgotten.

**XXXXX**

Katniss had her car packed up and ready to go home for the summer.  She never had many possessions to begin with so she easily fit all of her things in her tiny rust-bucket with room to spare for Jo’s things, which were three times what Katniss had.  They’d agreed to go back together since they were headed practically to the same street, and while Katniss would have savored the solitary drive back home, she looked forward to having company on this trip.

She'd gone home every other weekend to make sure Prim stayed out of trouble and would have gone home more often if she could have afforded it.  She had to admit that long distance pseudo-parenting a teenager who was not exactly your offspring was a difficult proposition and, with Katniss out of the house, Prim had gotten simultaneously more independent and more obnoxious about her “rights.” She resented Katniss’ intrusion into her freedom and was more and more vocal about it.  Katniss clearly couldn’t depend on her mother who, despite her new medication, still checked out far too often to be of any benefit to Prim.  Haymitch went above and beyond as he’d always done but he worked and every now and again indulged his drinking to the point of being incapacitated.  Then there was poor Aunt Sae, who was getting too long in the tooth to really be after Prim.  

The only other person who could influence Prim was Hazel Hawthorne, Rory’s mother, the boy that who had long been the target of Prim’s affections and Gale’s brother.  Katniss shook her head ruefully.  That’s one thing Everdeen women had in common - when it was time to hand over their heart to a man, they did it for life, come hell, high water, death or almost-fatal accidents.  Some people would think that this was an admirable trait except, in Katniss’ immediately family, they were batting 0-2 and the odds weren’t in their favor.  She hoped with all her heart that Prim would have a different outcome than Katniss and her mother and find some measure of enduring happiness with Rory.

She made her way up to her dorm room to say goodbye to Annie when her phone pinged.  A picture of Gale appeared on the screen - he was so handsome that, despite her ambivalence, her breath caught at the sight of those clear, grey eyes so like her own, which contrasted starkly with the dark skin and hair.  There were also other features that did not show on the phone - his tall, muscular physique, his rippling stomach muscles, the effect the firm hardness of his arms and back could have on her body, even when she was at her most indifferent.  There was no question that Gale Hawthorne was a dish.

_Catnip! You still here? - G_

Of course, he was also the one who dared defy fate by thinking he might be the one to break the Everdeen losing streak in the game of love.

_I’m getting the car ready now. - K_

The day Peeta’s letter came in the mail, Katniss was on the verge of falling apart again.  He told her to move on, which in her mind meant that, after years of being virtually bonded heart and soul to one another, he didn’t want her anymore.  Johanna, in response to her despondency, physically forced Katniss to get dressed and go to a party with her and Annie.  Katniss acquiesced to the threat of physical violence by Jo and had gone ahead with her friends.  In reality, Jo was being a yenta and had promised Gale Hawthorne that she would bring Katniss out to the party so he could talk to her.  Katniss could care less about Gale or any other boy on campus at that moment, especially since she knew him from back home and it was no big deal to speak to him, but the prospect of getting drunk to forget  her sorrows was too tempting.   
So Katniss gave into Jo’s pressure.

She wasn’t sure for herself, but it was a night of good luck for Annie. While Katniss awkwardly responded to Gale’s mild flirting and got puke-green drunk, Annie had met Finnick Odair,  her current love interest and, by the look of things between them, a possible keeper.   He was the same year as Gale and impossibly handsome - with sea green eyes that could melt your bones and copper hair so thick, a girl couldn’t resist running her hands through it.  He had something of a reputation for being a player but the minute he saw Annie at that same party, he’d become besotted by her and devoted himself to her ever since.

_You should have let me drive you. - G_

Gale’s text brought her back to the present.  Katniss didn’t know whether to bristle at the implication that she might  be in need of anyone driving her or be touched by his concern.  She let her fingers fly over the touch screen.

_You’re not my personal chauffeur. - K_

She stuffed her backpack in the passenger seat before glancing at her phone again.

_I could be, if you’d let me. - G_

__

She never saw these things coming.  One minute, she was trying to assert her independence, the next minute, he was practically declaring himself to her.  She wanted to tell him that driving her around could be lethal to his well-being.  He should check out the last guy who tried.  However, this line of reasoning led her down a dark path that she did not want to follow and instead responded,

_I know.  I’ll keep it in mind for the next time. - K_

Trudging up the stairs of the student residence, Katniss felt the ping of the phone and looked down to see Gale’s response,

_I’ll see you back home. - G_

_Okay. - K_

“Katniss!” squealed  Annie as she walked into the dorm they’d shared.  “You almost forgot this!  I was going to send Finn down to get you!” It was clear they were in the midst of a heated kiss, given the soft flush on her friend’s cheeks and Finnick’s tousled hair, the effect of which brought on a wave of envy in Katniss that she worked quickly suppress.  

 

“Thanks.” said Katniss sheepishly.

"So are you sure you’re going to work the entire summer?" Finnick asked.

"That's the plan.  I need to save up as much money as possible and the summer is my best chance to do that.  How about you?"

"I don't know if Annie told you but I'm bringing her to the annual Odair family reunion.”  he squeezed her to him with gentle possessiveness as her face became even more flushed.  “I want to introduce her to everyone.  Huge Irish family and all."  Finnick laughed easily when he said this.

"That sounds great!" Katniss said with more enthusiasm than she felt.  She absolutely loved Annie and Finnick together.  They were sweet and careful with one another.  They looked like they could never intentionally hurt each other and it was a beautiful thing to see.  It also made it impossible for Katniss to be around them for extended periods of time because it brought the old melancholy roaring back with a vengeance.  She'd had that feeling of complicity only once in her life, if only for a brief period and she missed it with a persistent ache in her bones.

"If you are free this summer, we should try to arrange something, okay?" he said as Katniss gathered the last of her things from around the room.  

“We’re serious, Katniss.  Maybe you can come stay with us to Finnick’s family reunion since we won’t be very far from you at all.  It’ll be at the end of July.”  Annie put her small hands on Katniss’ face, peering deeply into her eyes with that sweet concern that made Katniss guilty for feeling so envious.  “Think about it.”

“I will.” she murmured before giving them both a hug and heading out to the car.  She was curious but not particularly excited about their trip or anything else for that matter.  The only thing that kept Katniss’ constant attention was her sister, even though she was almost all grown up now. She drove in the direction of the Student Center to pick up Johanna where she had gone to settle her meal plan account.  

Driving around the front of the ultra-modern building and carefully dodging other students who were in various stages of packing and migration, Katniss saw Jo leaning like a female James Dean in her black tank top, short black jeans and combat boots laced up to her knees.  Katniss  admired Jo’s rugged femininity, her every pore oozing “fuck you” to the world.  Katniss wished she could tell everyone and everything to fuck off at will.

“Took you long enough, brainless!” said Jo as she squeezed her giant leather bag into the small space beneath passenger seat of the car.

“Sorry to keep her spoiled highness waiting.” quipped Katniss as she set the car in motion towards home.  Johanna laughed at this, pleased perhaps to be referred to as royalty.

“My dad called me last night.  He wants me to come out and visit him.  I was like - do you need a babysitter for that fleabag teacup chihuahua that your skanky twelve-year old girlfriend owns because I know for a fact, it’s not to see me.”  Jo dropped her hands to her lap. “What a douchebag.  Just send me the fucking money instead of buying a plane ticket and let’s declare your parental responsibilities fulfilled.”  Jo huffed, looking out the window.

“I’m sorry.” Katniss commiserated, not knowing what else to say.  

“Yeah, me too.  Shit.  What a way to start the summer.”  She smoothed out her shorts.  “Look, Kat, I’ve been putting off telling you something because I didn’t know how you’d take it but honestly, I don’t want you to get caught by surprise by it either.  I mean, you haven’t talked about him in months and, well, whatever you got going on with Gale, it’s at least something, right?”

Katniss looked over warily at Johanna, her chest starting to clench up.  “I don’t have much with Gale.  We spend time together sometimes, that’s all.”

“Well, he’d like to have more but you don’t seem to be very committed to anything.”

Katniss thought back to her time together with Gale, how it usually revolved around eating, hiking or sex and realized how little of herself she gave up to him.

“He gets enough from me. You’re keeping me hanging here. What do you have to tell me that you don’t want to tell me?”

Jo took a deep breath, so unlike her usual bravado that Katniss began to feel real fear.  “It’s about Peeta…”

Katniss  jumped involuntarily in her seat, causing the car to swerve.  “He’s okay, right?  Nothing’s happened to him…” she asked in a panic.

“Calm down!  Shit, don’t kill us!” yelled Jo as she grabbed the dashboard in fear while Katniss got control of the car again.  “You don’t have a great record with cars, Kat.”

“Fuck you! We’re not going to crash, okay?  What’s going on with Peeta?”  Katniss shouted, imagining every possible scenario in her mind and was simultaneously angry at herself for not being able to keep her veneer of indifference in place at the mere mention of his name.

“God, nothing!  He just - he’s back.  At his parent’s house.  On your street.”  Johanna said this, emphasizing every syllable.  “I didn’t want you to walk out of your house and see him without being able to prepare yourself for it.”

“Why would I need preparation?  I’m fine. I can see him.  It’s been more than a year.” Katniss said rapidly, her breath beginning to come in bursts.  “Whatever happened between us is gone now.”

“Like hell!  All I had to do was say his name and you almost run us off the damn road!  You are in total denial!” Jo said impatiently.

“No, I’m not!”   Katniss’ pounding heart became a stabbing in her chest.  He’s home!  She felt simultaneously fear, relief, anxiety, hope, anger, longing - a  thunderstorm of emotions that robbed her of her ability to think coherently.

“Yes, you are!  You don’t see it because you have the emotional awareness of that steering wheel there but you have been like a zombie since he sent you his blow-off letter. You do what you have to do, you get good grades.  You go out with Gale - and probably fuck him, I don’t know - with the same enthusiasm as you have for heating up tea in a microwave.”  Katniss was stunned with her friend and, worse, with her depiction of Katniss, made more disturbing by the fact that Katniss honestly could not deny the veracity of Jo’s assessment.  “I’m just warning you so you can take whatever precautions you need to take care of yourself.”  

“I’ll be fine.” she said firmly.  “He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want me and I’m not going to throw myself at him.”

“I hope so, for your sake because you’ve wound yourself up so tight, sooner or later, you’re going to snap.”  She pulled a stick of beef jerky out of her bag and offered some to Katniss, who declined.  Her mouth had gone dry and what she really needed was a shot.  “Mom’s gone all weekend - come hang out with me if things get bad.”

Katniss nodded and they didn’t say another word for the remaining 30 minutes of their trip.

 

**XXXXX**

Katniss arrived home after leaving Johanna and her pile of things at her house.  Jo’s mother, as usual, wasn’t home and Katniss was tempted to take up the invitation to crash with Jo tonight in her mom’s waterbed and watch movies on the giant flat screened tv in her bedroom.  As she slowly plodded up the stairs of her own front porch, she staunchly avoided a glance in the direction of Peeta's house three buildings from her own and instead stared resolutely forward. She was not going to let his return dominate her thinking, even as it soon became the only thing she could think of.  

The house was eerily quiet - she hadn’t warned anyone that she was coming.  Aunt Sae took her mother out sometimes to walk downtown or bring her to her house for tea when she was lucid and Katniss expected her sister to be at the Emporium, working her old job.  As she carried her things inside, she heard a shuffling on the floor above her followed by low murmurs.  Katniss froze, her attention riveted by the strange sounds.  

Grabbing her bow and arrows from her things, she cocked an arrow in place and walked slowly up the stairs.  She followed the sounds to Prim's room. Terror seized Katniss' heart and the thought that her sister might be in danger carried her feet swiftly to her door.  Without knocking Katniss burst in, ready to release her arrow.  Instead of a thief or murderer, she came upon the scene of her naked sister perched atop Rory Hawthorne, a look of infinite beatitude suffusing their faces before she shocked them so badly that they ended up toppling and tangled on the bed in an ungraceful pile of teenage flesh, screaming in terror.  Katniss was nauseated by the sight- so much so that she let out a horrified scream of her own as her weapons fell to the ground, trying to turn her face before she was treated to any more of their nudity.  

The cacophony of clattering bows, tumbling flesh and the hoarse screaming of three people went on indefinitely until Katniss got her wits about her.

"Prim and Rory, please get dressed and meet me downstairs." Katniss gathered up the things she’d dropped and left the room, trying not to take in anymore of the scene. When she made it to the kitchen, she stood at the counter with her head hanging, her hands shaking uncontrollably.  Shit.  She didn't want to have this conversation with the two of them.  At their age, she was already developing her feelings for Peeta.  And had she not been intimate with him not long afterwards?  Katniss' anger towards her mother came roaring back - this is something she should be taking care of!  This was way above Katniss abilities and she knew if she wasn’t careful, she could do a world of damage.

Katniss paced the kitchen, her thoughts careening in her head until she heard the slow steps of Rory and Prim coming down the stairs.  As they entered the room, there was an awkward silence.  It was clear Prim and Rory had dressed hastily, their clothes somewhat askew and their faces practically radiating the fact of their tryst.  Rory was almost the spitting image of Gale - lanky, grey-eyed, black hair and olive skin - not to mention handsome in that same mysterious way Gale had. Katniss would have found the whole thing laughable if it wasn’t for the fact that it involved her little sister.

“Okay, look…” Katniss began but was cut off by Rory.

“Before you say anything, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to disrespect your house or your sister.  I understand if you’re upset…”

“I am.” said Katniss.

“But I’m not going to apologize for being in love with Prim and expressing my love for her.  Because that’s what you saw, not some guy out for a piece of a...er...taking advantage.” Here he took Prim’s hand, giving her a look of such devotion, Katniss felt the anger melt out of her.  “So, whatever lecture you want to give us, we’ll take it because we deserve it but I really love Prim and I don’t want anybody cheapening that.”  

There was a stunned silence as Rory’s words settled into the air.  Katniss had to begrudgingly admit that she admired the kid.  He was 17 years old and he was trying to defend his girl’s virtue.  The envy that Katniss felt towards Annie and Finnick briefly flared up here and she wondered, petulantly, why she had to have such a different destiny from everyone else.

“Are you using protection?” Katniss asked finally.  The lecture she was planning to give them suddenly felt like a moot point.  

“Yes.” answered Prim, a flush of red overtaking her cheeks, making them flame in embarrassment.

Katniss let out the air she was holding in her lungs.  “I’m not going to tell Hazel I walked in on the two of you.  Frankly, I think I’ve been traumatized enough for one day without adding your mother’s reaction to the mix. But…” Katniss paused for emphasis, “No sex in this house while I’m here, okay?  Really, you shouldn’t be at it at all, seeing as you both are only 17 and especially when mom’s here but when I’m not here, there isn’t much I can do about her.”  She looked from Rory to Prim.  “Deal?”

They both nodded in assent, then Rory stepped forward to take Katniss’ hand and shake it.  “Thank you.  You both probably want to talk.”  He turned and gave Prim a chaste kiss on the lips.  “I’ll call you later.”  

“Okay.” she responded, her blue eyes brightening.

Rory waved at both of them before making his way out of the house.

Katniss looked at her sister, twisting her hands together, the blush of shame not quite having receded and Katniss felt a host of feelings well up in her at once.  Pity - because she was sorry for the discomfort she surely felt at having been discovered in media res, as it were; protectiveness because she wanted to shield Prim from everything that could harm her, even from her own actions; and shame because Katniss had been so caught up with her life that she had missed the onset of her sister’s womanhood. She silently thanked god that it was Rory and not some lothario who’d come upon her innocent sister.

She opened her arms, silently entreating her little duck to come to her.  Prim didn’t hesitate but ran into her big sister’s arms, where they celebrated a proper welcome home.

“Let’s make mom dinner as a surprise, today.  What do you think?” said Katniss, smoothing her sister’s tousled hair.

“Sounds great.” Prim said with real relief.

**XXXXX**

The next few days were torture for Katniss, knowing that Peeta was only a mere three houses from her and yet he might as well have been on another planet.  As badly as part of her wanted to see him, there was another, more cowardly part that did not ever want to know he was there because she already knew it would not have a positive effect on her. In those days, her eyes were drawn irrevocably to the treehouse, standing stoutly, resisting the elements as best it could despite the neglect of the last year.  No one - not her, not Prim and certainly not Peeta, had put a hand out to stem the tide of dilapidation that seemed to have seized upon the playhouse of their childhood.  And yet, Katniss could not bring herself to go up those familiar steps and tend to it’s condition, the memories of her days with Peeta swooping down upon her like harpies feeding on her the tender places of her heart.  

**  
  
  
**

So Katniss did what Katniss did best - she put on the cloak of indifference and pretended not to care.  He never seemed to leave the house but Katniss did and she made sure to be as busy as possible - at the Emporium, at home with her mother and sister or out with Jo or Gale.  A whole week passed in this game of evasion until one day, as Katniss trudged her way up the stairs to her house after a shift at the Emporium, a movement to her left caught her attention. She looked up in time to see Delly Cartwright entering Peeta’s house.  Katniss froze on the spot, considering this development. Why would Delly need to be in there?  But as suddenly as the feeling reared itself, Katniss suppressed it. Why wouldn’t she visit him? They’d been friends for almost as long as he and Katniss had.  Really, it was Katniss who was remiss, for she’d not bothered at all in the last weeks to try to pay him a visit.  Katniss tore herself away from the sight and sprinted the rest of the way to her house.

This happened the next day too, at about the same time. Delly came over, spent several hours, then went back home.  Twice, from Katniss’ count and who knows what they were up to when she was shacked up in there with him.  She never saw him leave the house but then again, it wasn’t as if Katniss was parked in the guest bedroom on the second floor, the one facing his house, watching everything that took place in the house down the street when she was home. No, she wasn’t doing that at all. There were days she left for the Emporium early and came back fairly late so he might be out and she just hadn’t seen it yet.

Except that maybe, he was watching her too.

Katniss devised an experiment and decided to leave her car at the Emporium early the next morning and take the light rail home.  It was a short ride - only 20 minutes.  When she got off at her stop, she walked the three blocks to her street but instead of turning right onto it, she took a long walk around to the back neighbor’s yard and snuck into her own.  Katniss sat down in her bushes and got comfortable, with her juice pouch and bag of cheddar rice cakes and watched.  Sure enough, after about half an hour, she saw him and the air around her seemed to fall still.  He stepped out onto the porch of his family’s home, stretching his limbs.  He was still the Peeta she knew, but different.  His hair was very short and, despite the warm day, he wore long, khaki pants which looked crisp and fresh together with his light green t-shirt.  He was as strong and muscular as ever and no one would think there was anything amiss until he began to walk.  There was a slight dislocation of his center and a limp that rendered his movements a bit stiff.

She surveyed herself carefully, trying to capture her own emotional state.  Who was she kidding?  Her head was ready to explode and her heart banged so loudly in her chest, she ceased to hear any other sounds in the world around her.  This effect became almost paralyzing when he turned towards her house and she caught a glimpse of his face, the face she  remembered but more angular, his blue eyes always that deep, arresting blue, his solid nose, full, kissable lips and a cleft that seemed to beg to be caressed.  The accident and the last year had aged him, forcing the softness of adolescence out of him and leaving behind this rugged virility that made every valve and capillary collapse in her body.

He stared for a long while at her house and Katniss became paranoid, thinking maybe he knew she was there.  She began to lecture herself for her own stupidity in doing this in the first place until he simply turned around and went back inside.  This was necessary, she kept telling herself.  She had given herself the advantage by getting the first glimpse over with.  She knew now, if they met again, she would be composed and in control, the disarming shock having been overcome.  She repeated this over and over, even as she stumbled back in the direction of the light rail station, her legs taking forever to remember how to walk without trembling.

**  
  
**

**XXXXX**

She knew she was being an opportunist when she called Gale later that morning and made arrangements to go out that evening.  He was working at his mom’s business so he had flexible hours and was more than willing to meet and hang out with Katniss.  She felt somewhat bad but she needed the additional buffer between her and her pathetically persistent feelings for Peeta.  Katniss recalled the principle of the cure for a dog’s bite that Johanna had shared with her and decided this principle could not have had a better application than in this circumstance.

At the Emporium, Katniss stocked tea boxes on the shelves, grateful for the mindless work because she knew she would have mucked up any task requiring more than a cursory cognitive commitment.  Haymitch was not drinking very much today - he had days when he was slap drunk and some days where he seemed like your average, middle-aged shop keeper.  But he was always functional, no matter how drunk he was and that spoke both to his acute intelligence and the incredible amount of liquor his body had absorbed over time.

“Hey sweetheart, you look kind of out of it today.”  he said, leaning against the shelves as she stocked.  Sometimes Katniss thought he kept her and Prim around for company because there was barely enough work for the three of them.  

“Nah, just adjusting to being home and not having a ton of homework hanging over my head.  I’m not good with freedom, I guess.” she quipped but Haymitch knew her too well and suspected, without saying so, what the secret of her ailment was.

Prim floated by, having finished blocking the coffee aisle when the bell of the shop tinkled, announcing a customer.  She walked quickly to the front, for which Katniss was grateful because she was in no mood to deal with customers.  Her deviation this morning and the sight of Peeta had rendered her more loopy than she had anticipated and everywhere she looked, a conversation or memory floated up to her mind to torment her to the point that she started dropping tea boxes on the floor at an alarming rate.  Calm down! she admonished herself as she heard her name being called.

“What!” she snapped, in irritation, but she remembered herself, looking sheepishly up at Haymitch and took on a more polite tone.  “I’ll be there in a moment!”

Dusting her hands off on her apron, she didn’t look up until she was right at the counter.  Otherwise, she might have seen Prim’s effort to catch her eye and give her a warning.  As it was, fate was fucking with her yet again today and when she finally did look up, all she saw was a sea of blue, so warm and inviting, like finally coming home after being thrashed about the world for an eternity, that for a long moment, she could not tear her eyes away from his.  All of her well-constructed defenses, the precautions and evasions, fell away from her like so many tea boxes crashing to the ground to leave her with this - that she could range as far and wide as Neptune but would never feel the way she felt at that moment, captured by his gaze.

“Katniss.” he whispered, with a hesitant kind of reverence.

She needed to get away, to compose herself, to remember her defenses and her indifference but all she could think of was the way her name sounded on his lips.  She had to tap the anger, the disappointment or she would be a pathetic puddle of need and longing at his feet and she could not afford that, not after he’d cast her aside in that damned letter.

She didn’t see the look Prim and Haymitch exchanged with one another as an uncomfortably long silence stretched out after he said her name.

Finally, pulling her vocal chords together, Katniss said with as much equanimity as she could muster. “Peeta.  You’re back.”  

“Yeah, a few days ago.” he said and lapsed into silence again.  Haymitch had since pulled Prim away to another part of the store.  Katniss felt a mild sense of panic that she would now be alone with Peeta, without the buffer of company to protect them from their awkwardness.  “How have you been?” he asked, staring at her with what appeared to be a hopeful expression.

Oh, I don’t know - heartbroken, miserable, like my best friend who I loved like the air died because he didn’t want me around anymore.  “Fine.  I’m home from school.”

Peeta perked up.  “Right, I heard you got a full scholarship to Excelsior.  That’s great.” he said sincerely.

Without thinking, she blurted out.  “It’s been a year already.  The novelty is gone now.” she bit her lip, because she didn’t want to open up the can of resentment and anger that she’d been tamping down inside of her by force of will since the accident.  Tears threatened the corner of her eyes and she took a deep breath to keep them in check.

“Katniss…” Peeta said, a look of exquisite pain disfiguring his features.  “I’m so sorry.”

“Look, I have to get through my shift here.  We just got a huge delivery and have to stock it up in time for the Summer Fair.  It was really great talking to you!  You look really good as usual.”  Katniss said with false cheerfulness and made to move away but Peeta put his hand out to stop her.  She instinctively jerked away from his contact because she knew it would scald her worse than holding her hand over a live flame.  Her response caused his face to go pale and he pulled his hand back, as if it had been slapped.

“Katniss, can we, I mean, after work, maybe we could, you know, talk…” Peeta fumbled the words in his mouth, a faint pink blush spreading over his features.

“Oh, wow, you know, I can’t.” said Katniss with false regret.  “I’ve got a date tonight.  Sorry.” She shrugged indifferently.  “Maybe another day.”

Peeta swallowed hard, his face, which was already slightly pink, went beet red and Katniss almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

“Yeah.” came out his strangled response.  “I...right...another time.  Okay.”  He began to back away slowly towards the door.

“Right.  I’m sure it will come up.  We still live on the same street, after all.  Or, you could always just send me a letter.” Katniss fired the volley at him, more deliciously smug with every sign of discomfort he revealed.  The smile she gave him was dripping with sarcasm and for the first time in more than a year, she felt empowered.  It felt good to be herself again.

Peeta’s eyes widened, as if he’d been slapped.  “Uh..okay...see you later, then.” he waved before almost stumbling out of the shop.  He limped up the street in the direction of his family’s bakery, and Katniss couldn’t help but follow his blond head until it disappeared.

“Why did you do that!?” Prim demanded when he was out of sight.

“Do what?” Katniss asked defensively.

“He came here to apologize to you, to make things right and you go and tell him you’re too busy going on a date to listen to him?  What’s wrong with you?” Prim’s pretty face became puckered in anger, her eyes flashing in frustration with her sister.

Katniss whirled on her with her own anger and hurt rising to the surface.  Haymitch, sensing the cataclysm, made his way over to placate the two girls, though not too quickly.  He was rather entertained by their drama.

“He cut me off when I needed him the most, when I thought he needed me the most.  He refused to take my calls or answer my emails - it was as if he’d died and then, after six, long months, he tells me to move on with a letter, Prim!  That’s one step above a text message!  I didn’t even rate a phone call from him after everything!” Katniss began to shake, her anger welling up from that infinite chasm that lived at the bottom of her soul.  “He redefined the word “heartsick” for me and made me suffer in ways I hadn’t suffered since dad died.”  Prim softened at this and here, Katniss couldn’t hold back her tears any longer.  “And now, he just shows up and expects me to drop everything so that he can make himself feel better?  Well, fuck him, I’m not doing it.  He can take his remorse and shove it!”

Katniss ran to the storage room.  She should have known.  She would never be able to get to the point where she could see Peeta without her heart throbbing like an infected wound.  Her objective from here on out had to be to avoid him at all costs.

As she made her way through the double doors of the back room, she heard Haymitch say to Prim, “You know, she’s got a point.” after which Prim scolded him and a discussion ensued that Katniss did not care to listen to anymore.

**XXXXX**

Gale picked her up at about seven.  Katniss had managed to get herself under control and finish out her shift without any further incident except for the overwhelming and almost uncontrollable urge to walk right out of the Emporium and walk the short distance to the bakery to catch another glimpse of Peeta, even if it was just to mistreat him again.  

She sensed on an intellectual level that she was being somewhat unfair.  She’d done research on amputees and Peeta’s reaction was normal.  She would not have been surprised if he had gone into a full-out depression in those months he was away.  What she couldn’t fathom was why he hadn’t let her walk that path with him, let her share his burden.  Isn’t that what friends did?  Or was their friendship not enough of a consideration during what surely would have been those dark days after his surgery.  

It was vaguely the feeling she always had towards her mother.  Wasn’t your love for me strong enough to pull you together?

This thinking hurt her so deeply that Katniss chose to drown it out by getting dressed and going out with Gale.  They decided on the drive-in theater, where they could order disgustingly greasy burgers and fries to munch on while watching a mindless horror film - just the kind of fluff to weaken the grip of insanity that was slowly overtaking her.

Gale was his usual hot-damn self, with low riding jeans that had the wrinkle lines ironed right into the hips.  Katniss loved the look of his jeans hanging off of his narrow hips, the tight black t-shirt showing off his muscles to good advantage.  Peeta was shorter and bulkier than Gale, but not as defined, likely because of a lifetime growing up around carbs.  They didn’t feel the same in her arms or between her legs.  She knew because she compared them all the time.

They made small talk as they polished off the burgers, Gale wisely choosing a spot to the back corner farthest from the concession counter and other cars.  It was late Sunday night so there were not a whole lot of cars present.  Without much ado, Katniss peeled off her jeans and slid over to where Gale sat, giving him a deep, forceful kiss which took him somewhat by surprise.

“Damn, Catnip, what are you in for, assault and battery?”  gasped Gale as he came up for air.

“Mmmm…” she moaned.  “I’m just in a mood, you know?” she said as she grabbed the buttons of his jeans and popped them open.

“Yeah, I can tell.” he said as he grabbed her hips with his long-fingered hands and pulled her over his bulging erection, grinding her against him and hitting that sweet spot that Katniss knew would make her mindlessly orgasm.

Gale was an assertive lover.  He didn’t pause for permission or check for misconceptions.  Once he got the go-ahead, he went on his merry way until everyone was satisfied and happy.  And Katniss always left satisfied, which was one of the reasons she kept coming back for more.  He satisfied her in an uncomplicated way, nothing like the emotional angst-fest that was her sex with Peeta.  She fucked Gale but she had made love to Peeta.  She knew the difference because Peeta had taken a little piece of her soul away every time he touched her.  

Katniss had her hand around Gale’s cock while she kissed him, rubbing his thick shaft in a firm but regular rhythm, designed to get him rock hard before she mounted him, letting his hot, veiny, condom-sheathed cock slide hotly inside of her.  Katniss moaned in pleasure, biting his bottom lip as she began to ride him, her hand sliding behind her to fondle his sack, a movement that caused him to buck up into her.  This was going to be hard and fast as Katniss began to feel herself clenching around him, his balls tightening in her hand.  

The car, the night, her body at the precipice - all of these things conspired to take Katniss back to another night where the sky was their only canopy and the memory of her body so in tuned to  another, became an ache that spread from her mind to the seat of her soul, a memory longing to escape into the night.

“Come on, Katniss.” Gale prodded her, his movements becoming jerky as he came.  

Her muscles soon clenched in painful spasms around him, her orgasm so hot it confounded her sense of place, ripping a cry out of her as she called out into the air;  “Oh God, Peeta!”

Gale stopped moving, the last of his orgasm sputtering to a dramatic and withering stop.  “What?”

Katniss’ eyes flew open.  Shit!  “I mean, I feel ya?” she said weakly as his cock slid sadly out of her.  

Gale’s eyes were wide with shock and he unceremoniously moved Katniss back to her place in the passenger seat.   "What the fuck - did you just call me Peeta?"  He said this breathlessly as he rubbed his hand over his face, trying to shake off the vegetative state that always came over him after a good orgasm.

Katniss was mortified as she dressed hurriedly.  "Crap, oh, damn!  Gale, look, I'm so sorry.  He just stopped by without warning at the Emporium and I guess the visit was still on my mind..."

"Fuck, yeah, he was on your mind!  You just called out his name while you were fucking me!"  Gale hastily threw away the spent condom and buttoned his pants.  It was with a kind of frenzy that he turned on the car and pulled out as quickly as he could without taking any of the movie speakers with him.

As he drove, Katniss tried to placate him. "But I wasn't thinking about him at the moment.  I was really into what I was doing with you."  She was beside herself with horror.

Gale pulled the car off to the shoulder, slamming the car in park and turned to look at Katniss. "Look, we've been at this for at least eight months and it always feels like two steps forward, one step back with you.  I did not want this," he indicated with his forefinger the two of them, "to turn into just sex.  You are not the kind of girl a guy just taps and leaves.  But you are not in the same place I am, not mentally and clearly not emotionally."

"Gale, please, you know how I feel about you..."

"Now you see, that's where you’re wrong. I have no idea how you feel about me.  I have to draw conclusions based on your actions and right now, your actions tell me you are not here with me."  Gale shook his head.  "I'm not mad, okay. I knew what I was getting into when I took up with you.  Jo told me about Peeta and how rough things have been for you.  I thought if I waited it out, you'd come around." He ran his hand through his hair and sighed heavily.

Katniss was filled with shame. She’d known what she was doing when she called him to go out tonight.  She'd had no consideration from him and now her little outburst just confirmed what a manipulative, selfish person she was towards Gale.  "I'm sorry," she said in a small voice.

"I know you are but please, Katniss, you’re not allowed to call me again unless you’re sure you’re going to commit to me.  And you’re going to commit to me only if you sincerely know you can’t survive without me.  I won't accept anything else."  With that, he put the car in gear and drove back onto the highway.  They drove the rest of the way to her house in silence.

As she got out from the car, she turned to look at Gale, who was trying not to make eye contact with her.  "Gale, I know it won’t make up for tonight but I am so sorry.  You were really good to me and you didn't deserve that," she said with sincerity.

"I can still be good to you, Kat.  But I want all or nothing.” His eyes swept over her as if he would never see her again.  “Good night."  He said, precluding any other comments.  Katniss closed the door and stepped back, watching him drive away.  She stared forlornly after his car as it made it's way down the hill and turned, disappearing from sight.  As she made her way dejectedly towards her house, she glanced up at Peeta’s and thought she saw the flickering of a curtain in the room she knew to be his.

 


	5. Day 5 - Peach Blossom (I am your captive)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: A fic in seven parts. Part 5 - Losing his leg was one of the most difficult experiences of Peeta’s life. But giving up Katniss has made everything else virtually unbearable. Peeta’s POV.

 

 

**Day 5:  I Am Your Captive (Peach Blossom)**

_**I want you to know** _

_**one thing.** _

__**  
  
**

_**You know how this is:** _

_**if I look** _

_**at the crystal moon, at the red branch** _

_**of the slow autumn at my window,** _

_**if I touch** _

_**near the fire** _

_**the impalpable ash** _

_**or the wrinkled body of the log,** _

_**everything carries me to you,** _

_**as if everything that exists,** _

_**aromas, light, metals,** _

_**were little boats** _

_**that sail** _

_**toward those isles of yours that wait for me.** _

**-from _If You Forget Me_ by Pablo Neruda**

“My name’s Peeta Mellark and I’m 18 years old.  I lost my leg three months ago in a car accident.  Honestly, I lost a lot more than my leg.  I’m trying really hard not to let it define me but it’s hard not to see everything through the lense of my lost leg.”  He unconsciously shifts the still foreign prosthesis in the narrow confines of the wheelchair.

Everyone was silent as he spoke.  Peeta sat together with 7 other people in a circle and it was his turn to introduce himself to them.  

“Thank you, Peeta.  It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge that your amputation might have the power to overwhelm the rest of your life.  This is a safe place to share your struggles and we are all here to help you.” said Cecilia, the head counselor at the amputee support group.  She gestured with the prosthetic arm she’d lost when her own arm got caught in a factory machine ten years ago and was shredded to her elbow.

Peeta sat quietly, sketching on his notepad as everyone acknowledged him and politely responded when they introduced themselves.  One person, in particular, stood out to him because he’d seen him in physical therapy when Peeta was doing his training.  He recalled that his name was Thresh, a muscular ex-Marine who returned from Afghanistan with a missing leg and badly damaged arm.  Thresh saw Peeta observing him and gave him a twinkling half-smile that set off his dimples and made him look even younger than he was.  Peeta cocked his head in acknowledgement and looked down to continue drawing his sketch of him, Katniss and Prim playing in the backyard of their home.

The rest of the session was dedicated to a discussion on handling the reactions of others to their condition and how to respond with grace and generosity.  Peeta paid close attention to this because he dealt with the debilitating reaction of his mother in particular to the loss of his limb each day.  From her viewpoint, Peeta had lost his mind as well as a limb and it was frustrating to deal with her infantilizing him.  She called into question his very sanity, wondering aloud if he would be able to go to college or hold down a job, as if his brain that had gotten amputated along with his leg.

In moments of melancholy, Peeta pulled out the letter he carried with him everywhere he went.  It had become a talisman, the sentiments expressed within its pages most likely no longer existed but he still had her words and the memory of her to sustain him through his blackest nights and empty days. He remembered when the box came from the high school, within which was her letter.  He'd read it, clutching it to him.  It was the hardest thing he’d ever done, to repress the impulse to throw over his well-intentioned resolve and call her.  He’d slid his finger across his iPhone and stared at the screenshot of her face, something he could do for hours at a time, and thought of all the things she had been to him these last 12 years before the accident destroyed his life - friend, ally, confidante, lover.  When it all became too much for him, he would close his eyes and let the unhappiness move through him, rendering him immobile, until he was able to function again.

**XXXXX**

Peeta didn’t really remember the accident - it was just a blur in his mind - oncoming lights, the world spinning off of its axis and thrashing him about with it, Kaniss’ screams and then the unending blackness until he’d come to in the ICU at Capitol General.  He had little memory of the helicopter ride, the resuscitations, the flight into emergency surgery that took his leg in exchange for saving his life.  He was confused when he came out of anesthesia and remembered very little of that also, except for a vision of stars that hung like dappled tear drops over his head, the sound of Katniss’ laughter, made all the more beautiful by its rarity.  He had heard that sound often enough to know that he could bring it out of her. Correction:  he used to be able to bring that out of her.  Because like his leg, she had also become a casualty of that accident.

Throughout those early weeks, when he was wrapped in a fog of pain and shock, Peeta remembered looking down at his leg when his nurses changed him and becoming repulsed by the angry red and purple bruises, the blue-black stitches, the sickly, puckered skin that announced the alteration of the boundaries of his body.  He kept expecting to see the missing limb, sometimes imagining the feel of his leg under the blanket or the wind sweeping across his skin from the perpetually open window of his hospital room.

It was a period of great frustration as well as of grief over his lost limb.  He had to begin the arduous task of getting fitted for and accustomed to a new prosthetic leg.  Until then, he was constrained to his bed or a wheelchair and spent a significant amount of physical therapy on just learning to flip himself over on his own.  It was made doubly hard by the fact that he was sick in his very soul and just wanted to be left alone, even if doing so resulted in the sores his doctor warned him so strenuously about.  “Mobility - that is your main objective!” repeated Dr. Aurelius every time he came in to talk to him about his condition.  “People have caught serious infections and died from the most pedestrian boils, Mr. Mellark. And for a young man like yourself, boils simply will not do!”

The insurance company of the van driver was footing the bill for his surgery and convalescence.  He didn’t know how she did it, but his mother managed to get the doctor to refer him to this current facility which boasted one of the best therapy centers dedicated to amputations.  She seemed almost gleeful when it was announced that he would be relocated here to Boulder, near her family.  His mother also left the bakery in the care of her husband and two sons and had planted herself by Peeta’s side, a gesture he appreciated but which sometimes served only to further complicate his existence.  

And in the middle of it all was Katniss, or to be more accurate, the absence of Katniss, which shredded him worse than the car metal that had shredded his leg.  He kept looking at his stump, the dissonance between his whole leg and the cleaved piece that remained stubbornly attached to his hip and he felt revulsion.  Peeta had never been obsessed about his appearance before, having that happy, unconscious command of his body that athletic teens enjoyed almost apriori.  He never thought of himself in the aesthetic.  But now, when he fantasized about that night with Katniss under the stars, he imagined his puckered stump against the smooth expanse of her dusky skin and felt only horror. Worse, he imagined her witnessing his disability for the first time and knew he would never be able to survive her rejection of him.  This was reinforced by his own mother’s reaction to him when she saw his sheet-covered legs and the clear absence of form on the left side.  She had been more than distressed and left the hospital room in hysterics.  Katniss would never react with tears and hysteria but her kind, stoic pity would be even worse than his mother’s theatrics.

So he never figured out a way to speak to her.  He could be noble and self-abnegating as long as she was not before him.  He could push her away, make a case for her life and how much more improved it would be without him in it only if she was not present when the evidence was presented.  Because he was selfish and weak.  The sight of her would destroy all of his carefully constructed rationalizations and leave him with only his primal, existential need for her.  So he decided on her behalf that it would be best if she did not think about him again.

**XXXXX**

Peeta was getting better with his prosthetic.  He still tired easily - he only walked on it a total of three hours per day.  But he chose to go down to the physical therapy room and lift weights, using the modified exercise machines to rebuild the strength in his upper body and still intact leg.  Dr. Aurelius had encouraged him to exercise the rest of his body.  It was good for the mind as well and with Peeta showing signs of depression, the exercise would help him avoid antidepressants.

One afternoon, Peeta was angrier than usual and decided he would work out on his own without relying on the wheelchair he’d come to loathe like everything else related to his condition.  Peeta limped carefully, starting with the back machine, and managed to get through a full circuit of exercises, which lifted him somewhat out of his dark mood.  Sweating profusely, he felt tired and knew that maybe he’d done enough for one day but he was feeling particularly defiant.  He knew a lot had to do with the fact that he’d dreamed of Katniss again.  In his mind, he’d spent the night in her arms and when he woke to find that it was all an illusion, he was not overcome with his usual melancholy but with a rage so dark, he would have made anyone pay for it if he could.  Finding no suitable victims, he took his anger out on his body instead and worked out until he ached.  

He made his way to the stomach bench to do more abdominals when his exhaustion overtook him and he tumbled to the ground.  Swearing colorfully, Peeta got himself to a sitting position, rubbing his arm and looked up to see the boy from therapy, Thresh, roll over to him in his wheelchair.  He hadn’t noticed the young man enter before but now he peered up at the hulking black boy with the dark brown eyes.

“You okay down there?” he said with a slight accent gracing his words as he stretched out his hand, which Peeta gratefully took, using the large metal wheel of Thresh's chair to help him get to his feet before sitting heavily on the exercise bench.

“Thanks.” said Peeta, wiping the sweat off his forehead with his towel.

“You trying out for the Olympics?  You’re busting your ass pretty hard.” Thresh laughed as he said this, his dimples popping out and sweetening his face.  Peeta had never seen him up close before and only now observed the scars that puckered his skin under his eye and wrapped around his cheek and down his neck, re-emerging again like a burst of liquid flame roiling magma-like under the dark, volcanic skin of his arm.

Thresh caught him staring, prompting Peeta to flush pink as he yanked his eyes away from his arm and looked back at the handsome young man with contrition.  “I guess that’s what last therapy session was for, right?  How to deal with idiots who stare at you.”  Peeta sighed heavily.  “I’m sorry.  My name’s Peeta, from group therapy.”  he offered his hand to Thresh, which he promptly accepted and shook firmly.

“Thresh.  Yeah, I remember you.  Well, let’s get this out of the way.  You lost your leg in a car accident, right?”

Peeta nodded, relieved he didn’t have to contrive an avoidance for talking about his leg, like he did sometimes with his family.  “Yeah, drunk driver. Prom night.” said Peeta ruefully.

Thresh wrinkled his nose.  “Oh, man, that had to suck. Prom date?”

Peeta felt his shoulders deflate.”Yeah, she was hurt pretty badly but she’s okay.”

“Good, man, good.  That’s a blessing.” Thresh smiled.  Peeta didn’t want to mention that he did not feel particularly blessed at the moment.

“How about you?  You were a Marine?”  prompted Peeta.

“I am a Marine.  Semper Fidelis, man.  Gotta take more than my leg to stop me from being a Marine.” Thresh laughed again.  “One thing you learn around here is if you let your injury define you, you might as well hang it up.  Your life is over.”  

Peeta considered this for a moment, then asked “How did you lose it?”

“We were in the Green Zone, escorting a Saudi diplomat to the air base in Kabul.  Kid comes out strapped like he’s going out for the Fourth of July.  I was in the second vehicle in the convoy.  Didn’t even know what hit me.  Woke up in a hospital on the Bagram Air Force Base, fucking confused as hell, no leg, no ride.  Man, not cool at all!”  Thresh laughed at this, shaking his head and Peeta had the intuition that Thresh laughed at everything but did not necessarily find everything to be humorous.  “Took me a month to get out of there but I did.  They brought me to the VA first before releasing me on a voucher here.  It’s closer to my family.”

Peeta nodded at this.  “My family lives in a suburb of Capitol City.”

Thresh was taken aback.  “You are way the hell east.  John Hopkins would have been ten times closer!”

“Yeah, well, that’s my mom for you.  She wanted to make sure I was in the best facility and we have a ton of family here.”  

“Huh.” was all Thresh said to this.  They lapsed into an easy silence before Thresh interrupted it with another question. “So, how about that Prom date?  She come out to see you?”

It was Peeta’s turn to laugh darkly.  “Nah, not really.”

“Sorry about that.  Some people don’t handle other people’s disabilities well.” Thresh fiddled with a thread on his t-shirt and Peeta understood he was probably sorry he’d asked.

“Nothing like that.  She’d have come out, I’m almost positive of that.  I..well..it’s complicated…” he sputtered. Katniss wasn’t here because he hadn't let her come.

Thresh just looked at him and was about to ask another question when a rustling sound came from behind them.  Peeta turned to see a tall, dark woman of about twenty move carefully between the machines and make her way towards them.

“Mami!” laughed Thresh, swiveling his wheelchair expertly towards her.

“Hey baby.” she smiled, leaning down to leave a chaste kiss on his lips.  When she looked up, Peeta was a little breath-taken by her lanky beauty - she was clearly in her twenties, with thick, wiry black hair that was conditioned so that every glorious curl was perfectly shiny and defined.  Her eyes were darker than Thresh’s, set in an almond shape and slanted slightly down at the corners with long dark lashes.  Her nose was strong and slightly flattened at the end, her lips thick and full.  She had the same twinkle in her eyes as Thresh, which indicated to Peeta that these two were unequivocally in love with each other.

“Peeta, meet Rue, my fiancée.  Rue, Peeta from therapy.”

Rue extended her manicured hand out to Peeta.  “Nice to meet you, Peeta.  You better watch out for this one.  He doesn’t come to the gym to work out, like he’s supposed to. He just likes to chit-chats with everybody.” She laughed indulgently at Thresh, her manner reminding Peeta of the way Katniss had laughed when he struggled with lowering the drop top on the Jetta, as if she were tolerating the antics of a child. In that moment, it hit Peeta with a debilitating force just how much he missed Katniss.  He took a ragged breath and distracted himself by observing Rue and Thresh as they spoke to one another.  Their hands seemed to touch or hover over each other like hummingbirds feeding on flowers.

“We have to go now, or we’re going to be late.” said Rue.  

“Alright.  Hey, Peeta, I’m usually here around 9 and work out till lunch.  We’ll meet up tomorrow.”

“Yeah.” Rue smirked.  “He’s always on that military time, waking up everyday at 5 o’clock.”

“I do my best work in the morning.” he turned to Peeta. “I’m taking classes at the community college and I like studying early.”  He shook his head at Rue teasingly.  “Here a man is trying to get a degree and better himself and his woman’s still not happy!”

“Just as long as you don’t wake me up, you can do whatever you want.” She stepped behind his wheelchair and gave him a gentle nudge.   “I’m sure we’ll see each other again, Peeta.”

“Nice meeting you too.” He waved, watching them as they rolled away.  For the first time in months, Peeta felt something other than anger and despondency.  It had been such a long time since he’d felt it, but he thought he could detect it, beneath all of the self-loathing and pitying, the fear and martyrdom.  He felt it like a stray comet shooting across the sky, the faint shimmering glimmer of hope, if not for himself, than for some other lucky soul.

**XXXXX.**

Peeta’s mother came to pick him up soon after.  She was literally the only person in Boulder with whom he had any emotional connection and that was tenuous at best.  The few other visitors he’d had were other members of her family, people he’d met maybe once or twice in his life prior to the accident.  They were a shrill, easily upset group of people and Peeta did not particularly like them.

He was staying with his mother in a small wooden cabin belonging to her brother, a wealthy if rather reclusive fellow who himself lived up in the mountains.  Peeta’s mother, who spoke incessantly of his wealth and generosity, of her powerful connection to him, had herself never scored a visit from him. This to Peeta, spoke volumes about her brother's opinion of Mrs Mellark.  He learned to tune her out when she babbled on about her family and eventually, she would wear herself out and stop.

“Ma, I’m going to lay down,” said Peeta after he’d eaten.

“You really should move around, though. You are on a full belly.” she admonished.

“Yeah, I know, but I worked out all morning.  I think my stomach can handle it.” Peeta rose to his feet, shifting slowly, steadying himself on the prosthetic.

“Well, if you want to be a stupid baby about it,” said Mrs. Mellark.

There was something in the tone of her voice when she said these words that took him back to his days as a child, when she was no longer able to hit him because, in her own words, “They were always watching.”  She resorted to insulting him instead, calling him every foul name she knew and even now, when she spoke in that tone, her voice was a flashback to his helpless days as a child at her hands.  Even though the fear it evoked was visceral, he reminded himself with a deep breath that he now towered over her and his fear was fundamentally irrational.

“Yeah, I’m a stupid baby.  I’m going to my room.”  She did not acknowledge this, instead continuing her string of epithets, their foulness following him all the way to the door of his room.  He sighed as the words were shut out by the closing of his room door. Flopping himself on his bed, he pulled out a sketchbook and began drawing, this time a familiar face taking shape before him.  Staring at the sideways braid, prominent eyes and small chin set like a provocation in her angular face, all Peeta could think of was that at least some things, like his mother’s temper, would never change.

**XXXXX**

Peeta’s friendship with Thresh was like finding water in a desert.  He looked forward to their morning exercise regimen, and Rue was not exaggerating when she said he would spend his entire time socializing instead of exercising if given the chance. Some days, he was so chatty that it took them an extra hour to get their routine done but Peeta didn’t mind.  He loved listening to Thresh tell his stories about growing up in Puerto Rico, moving to the Bronx, running around with his hoodlum friends, skipping school and causing general mayhem in the neighborhood.  He was so naughty that his mother and father “grabbed him by the neck” at the age of 16 and told him he needed to figure himself out or he’d have to live on his own.

So, as Thresh told it, he joined the JROTC at his local high school and it was, in his words, the best thing he’d ever done. “They made me pull my pants up and tighten my belt. If my commanding officers ever caught me, even outside of school showing my drawers, they would make me drop and give them 50 just like that.” he’s snapped his fingers.  “I even got busted shopping on Broadway!”

“No way!” Peeta laughed as he tried his hardest to work his biceps and listen to Thresh at the same time.

“Yeah, seriously!  I was at the meat market on Saturday with my uncle and my instructor just walked up to me out of nowhere like ‘Son, nobody needs to see your boxers.  Drop and give me 50 now.’  And I swear to God, I did, right in the middle of that nasty fucking market.  That was discipline.  That’s what I needed.”  Thresh laughed as he told Peeta these stories, sometimes shocking Peeta at how different people lived their different ways.

Yet when it came to love, everyone played the same damned fool.

“Because when I came back from duty, I was depressed as hell.  I mean, I love to dance, you know that?  Before I got deployed, me and my boys would go to the clubs on 42nd Street and dance salsas and merengues and bachatas - we broke dawn every Friday and Saturday night!  Then when I hooked up with Rue, we would get really dressed up and man, we looked so good together.  She’s not Puerto Rican, she’s American black but that girl got rhythm.  Not like you white, boy.” he slapped his hand on Peeta's good leg and laughed.

“Fuck you! What do you know?” laughed Peeta because the truth was, he really couldn’t dance.

“Don’t worry.  You could always waltz, right?  Anyway, ”  he continued, “When I lost my leg, that was the first thing I thought - puñeta, I’m not going to dance anymore. I got real depressed.  Then I thought about Rue, and how much she loves to dance.  That girl is gold, man, I’m telling you.  She comes from a nice family, her dad works for the Port Authority and her mom’s a secretary.  She’s studying nursing you know?”  Peeta would just nod at the circular way Thresh had of telling his stories.

“So I’m like ‘Mami, you really want to be shacked up with a broke-ass, one legged ignoramus like me?’  And you know what she said?  ‘I’m not worried about your leg.  If you treat me right and don’t disrespect me, then I don’t see what the problem is.  But if you’re going to act stupid and play around on me, then I don’t care what you’re missing, I’ll kick you to the curb in 1-2-3.  Don’t think I’m going to feel sorry for you just because you don’t have a leg.’  I swear, she said that!”  Peeta’s eyes went wide and he nodded in appreciation and no small admiration for the girl.  “She refused to feel sorry for me. That’s when I was like, ‘Baby, I’m going back to school, make something out of myself, marry you and knock you up with my peg leg!”

Peeta let out a whoop at his friend's humor - he loved the way Thresh was irreverent about his leg.  He called it every name he could think of: - peg leg, little stubby, bump in the stump - and in consequence, taught Peeta the first real lesson about his condition - that in the grand scheme of things, if he was mobile and relatively healthy and independent then he could not only consider himself lucky but even laugh at his condition.

“I got a friend who ended up paralyzed from the neck down.  Now, that’s the shit right there.  We’re a couple of pirates compared to him.” said Thresh with a shiver and Peeta started to think that he just might be right.

**XXXXX**

Peeta had transitioned from seeing his prosthetic as an alien thing attached to him to actually feeling naked when he wasn't wearing it.  The first time he tried out his running blade he felt bouncy and awkward.  And yet he could almost forget that he was missing a limb as the wind raced by him during his jog around the track.  In therapy, Peeta went from resigned victim to cautious optimist in a way that made Cecelia and the others quietly proud of him.  Spring was rebirth and the boy was showing signs that he had the capacity to grow and thrive.

Peeta began taking in his surroundings and finally saw the rugged beauty of the mountains.  As his chrysalis fell away, he felt the quickening inside of him that all earth-bound creatures feel when the winter fades away and life begins to assert her place in the natural world again.  If possible, he thought about Katniss more, not less, than when he arrived, visualizing her walking with him along the mountain paths of the national park near the hospital, something he did more often over the protests and insults of his mother.  Katniss swam next to him in the PT pool and kept him company at night.  He recalled with aching nostalgia the crisp, forest- like scent of her body, and could almost feel the satiny smoothness of her skin next to him.  It  was as if she were stepping out of the glass chamber of his memories and in Galatea-like fashion, took on the concrete solidity of a possibility.    One night, in response to one of his never-ending doubts, he whispered quietly to himself "Why not?” and then out into the night with more force, “Why the hell not?"

**XXXXX**

"We're having a barbecue this weekend.  Come out with us." said Thresh one day in early spring.  

Peeta perked up at this.  Outside of the occasional dinners in random family members’ houses that his mother forced him to go to, the ones where he wanted to stab himself over and over again with his fork, he rarely went out.  However, the idea of being in the middle of strangers made Peeta nervous and he initially declined.

“No, I haven’t been around people in like, forever.” demurred Peeta.

Thresh looked at him with an unreadable expression before speaking cautiously.  “Not for nothing, but I was just curious, you got two brothers and your dad at home, right?  The ones that come out to see you?”

“Yeah.” Peeta responded.

“You have friends, right?”

“Lots.  I was pretty popular in school, you know, with my fresh, good looks and all,” quipped Peeta, which brought a smile to Thresh’s face.

“It’s just, I bet you would have gotten better faster if you’d had your friends around, that’s all.  You seem like the type who needs people and you’re all by yourself out here.”  He passed a barbell to Peeta.  “You need to get out with people.”

Peeta went home that afternoon with Thresh’s words hanging in his ears.  Why was he all the way out here when he could have been at one of the university hospitals near his home?

This question continued to plague him when he took his driving lessons. He’d avoided this particular task because the accident had given him a wariness towards cars that bordered on phobic.  However, he was feeling more adventurous lately.   Because his amputation was on the left leg, no fundamental changes to his driving needed to take place.  The only exception to this was a recommendation to install a manual emergency break since his prosthetic was too unreliable to depend on in this situation. He loved driving his manual car but would have to give that up or install expensive hand controls to compensate.  

It was another feeling of freedom altogether - to be able to drive himself.  As Peeta rode around the lot, getting a feel for his legs inside the car, his world seemed to expand and stretch out before him.  He looked down at his body, stronger after having survived so many travails and obstacles and the rigorous training he’d submitted himself to.  That familiar quickening he’d felt lately took over and he again felt that optimism wash over him.  So intoxicating was the heady feeling that he let out a whoop of joy, driving across the lot as if he were test driving a Ferrari.

When his mother picked him up, he was in a breathless mood.  He insisted that she let him drive, to which she protested loudly but Peeta would not be deterred.   Moving onto the highway, he longed for his drop top, to feel the wind muss up his hair.  His mother’s foul mood at being defied did not discourage him in the least as he lowered the window to let his hand hang out in the rushing air.  He thought of Katniss and how amazing it would be right now if she was sitting next to him, the thought filling him, not with depression, but with hope because it suddenly did not seem so impossible anymore. He patted his shirt pocket where her letter always lay close to his heart before pulling in to park in the driveway.

As they had dinner, Mrs. Mellark prattled away about her aunt whatever who owned a dairy farm in Tennessee and was visiting that week.  Before she sprung the dinner commitment on him, Peeta interrupted.  “I’m going to a barbecue on Saturday.”

Mrs. Mellark put down her fork. “With who?”

“My friend from physical therapy, Thresh.” said Peeta warily.

“Well, you'll have to decline.” she said before resuming her meal.

“No, I don't!” Peeta said incredulously.  He hadn’t been asking her permission.

“Yes, you do.  We’re having dinner with Aunt Helga on Saturday.”

Peeta flung his napkin onto his meal.  “I’m not going to Aunt Helga’s house again.”

Mrs. Mellark gave Peeta a stern look.  “Yes. You. Will! It does you no good to hang around with abnormal people.”

Peeta was taken aback.  “Abnormal people?  What’s that supposed to mean?  You think people with disabilities are abnormal somehow?  Am I abnormal?”  he felt his fury rising.

“Well, you have to understand that you will be living in a world where most everyone is...intact.  What is the point of creating a community with oddballs and misfits who can teach you nothing about functioning in the real world?” she said with a huff.

“Just because I’m missing a leg doesn’t mean I’m an oddball or a misfit!” he exclaimed.

His mother’s features softened towards him as she tried another tack.  “You have to understand your life will not be like everyone else’s anymore.  I mean, you’re going to have a harder job doing things.  Don’t get caught up in a fringe society of people who will not help you learn to live in a normal way.”

“Um, no, I don’t know what world you’re referring to but the one I live in is full of people missing something. It just so happens that in my case, the part that I’m missing is obvious to the anyone who looks.”

"You're being childish, Peeta."

Peeta ran his hand through his hair. "I might stop acting like a child if you stop treating me like one. Anyway I'm not asking permission. I'm going to my friend's house this weekend."

Mrs. Mellark's features went dark with anger but for once, she controlled her tongue.

**XXXXX**

Peeta gave Thresh's address to the taxi driver.  His mother, in a fit of pique, refused to lend him the car.  He was actually relieved because he did not know his way around, particularly where Thresh lived, an upper middle class neighborhood south of the center of Boulder.  It seemed like an uninterrupted sea of housing and Peeta was sure he would have gotten lost in it.  

The first thing he noticed when they pulled up to the large, ultra modern wooden house was the music.  It wasn't obnoxiously loud but had a lot of bass and the rhythm sank into a person's bones, prodding the listener to move.  There were several cars parked in the driveway and along the street, which was a sign that this was not just an intimate gathering of family.

Peeta rang the doorbell and after several moments, a plump, dark woman opened the door, giving  Peeta a once-over before asking him in a thick Spanish accent, "May I help you?"

"I'm Peeta Mellark.  Is Thresh home?"

Before the woman could answer, Thresh appeared behind her, teetering dangerously on his leg with a drink in one hand.  "Ma, este es mi amigo, Peeta."  He told the woman, who responded with a bright, dimpled smile that was the spitting image of Thresh's. "Peeta, this is my mom."

"Nice to meet you." She said as she stepped aside to let him in, smiling at him indulgently.  Peeta handed her the bottle of wine he carried, to which she smiled widely.  Without warning, she reached and squeezed his cheeks. "¡Que lindo es este nene! Gracias!"

Thresh laughed at Peeta's shocked expression.  "She said you’re cute. You got my mom's seal of approval so you can come inside now."  Thresh laughed louder as Peeta gently rubbed the pinch from his cheeks.

Peeta was so accustomed to the blandness of the small cottage he shared with his mother that the cacophony of color and sound seemed to momentarily take Peta by surprise, enticing his senses.  As they walked through the house, Thresh introduced him to so many people and relations that about ten people into it, Peeta gave up trying to absorb who everyone was and just followed his friend like a floating log in a rushing river.  

Instead, he focused on his surroundings and what he saw was a feast for his senses.  Every room had lush indoor plants - ivy vines and deep green plants with long, waxy leaves that he knew were not native to this area but looked hardy and tropical in nature. The voice of a man, at turns passionate and mournful,  sang to music that became louder as they approached the back yard, a rhythmic thumping sound with horns and drums that had Peeta tapping his finger against his leg.  In one room there was a table and a group of older gentleman with cigars playing what appeared to be dominoes. The smell of cooking invaded the air, raucous laughter coming from over the kitchen island.  The back balcony was wide, overlooking a large expanse of green with overhanging trees that ended at an ivy-covered fence standing at least eight feet tall.  Even with the music, Peeta could hear the happy chirping of parakeets coming from a large, wooden bird house against the southernmost corner of the fence.

Peeta looked to see that the music was actually live, even though the instrumental part was being supported by a synthesizer.  The song ended with clapping from the small groups of people who seemed completely oblivious to the scampering children who ran underfoot.  Peeta had to dodge a charging boy being chased by a girl into the house, a woman who was likely their mother scolding them loudly in Spanish.  Meanwhile, in the music corner, a gentleman with a congo drum took up a rhythm that a second man chased with a small guitar. Without warning, a woman seated near them began to sing, a small rattling gourd in her hand to add depth to the beat of the congo drum.  Thresh had been speaking but Peeta was completely lost in his surroundings.  

“This is wild!” he said as they neared a table in the yard set up with three grills and coolers.  

“Yeah, it’s always like this.  My cousins just came to visit from New York so every Puerto Rican within 50 miles is here tonight.”  Thresh opened a cooler filled with ice and beer.  “What do you want to drink? Nah, forget it, here, just try this.”  Thresh took out a brown bottle, popping the lid, then squeezed a lemon slice inside the glass flute before passing it to Peeta.  “Dos Equis.  You’ll like it.”  Peeta took a drought of the beer, it’s icy coolness radiating as it slid down his throat.  Wiping his lips, he saw Thresh grab a bottle of clear liquor with the label Bacardi Limon on it.

“No, Thresh, I’m good.  I haven’t drank in at least a year…”

“Just a beer chaser to loosen you up.  I can’t have you all stiff and shit when I introduce you to my people.” Thresh laughed as he passed the shot to Peeta.  In contrast to the cool, crisp effervescence of the beer, this shot was thick, almost sugary with a bite of lemon that just barely concealed the stab of rum.  Peeta didn’t think he would enjoy it but when the lemon jumped out onto his taste buds, he realized this was more than just good. He threw the rest of it back and took a swig of the beer. The combination was unexpected and he was almost tempted to follow-up with another one.

“Not yet, white boy.  I don’t want you puking on my floor. Forget losing a leg, man, my mom will own you!”

They walked past the trio who were still belting out what sounded like an incredibly sentimental bit of music.  “You guys got a live band?” asked Peeta as they made their way towards a table where Rue was sitting with a group of other people.  

Thresh laughed at this. “No way!  Those are folks from my mom’s church.  They play music for fun and if you want to join them and jam, you can. They play everywhere they go but if it isn’t them, somebody will come up and play music.  That’s just how it goes.”  Thresh limped over to where Rue was sitting and offered Peeta a chair.  

“Yo, everybody, this is Peeta, my friend from physical therapy.”  Thresh introduced him to his cousins Ralphy, Jose and Lenny, Rue’s brother Kyron and an extra pretty girl called Genie who turned out to be related to some other relative of Thresh’s that Peeta had since lost of track of.  Her large, green eyes were arresting and made even clearer set in the smooth, caramel color of her face.  Her hair was light brown and thick but straight.  She gave Peeta a full, sensuous and inviting smile which he returned though inside it filled him with a kind of nervousness.

Thresh plopped down heavily in a chair between Peeta and Rue, leaving Genie next to him on the other side.

“I finally get to have a conversation with you!”  laughed Rue.  “It’s always me in a rush to get Thresh before I’m late to one place or another.”

Peeta nodded at this.”Don’t worry, he won’t let us talk, you’ll see.” This inspired a round of chuckles as everyone seemed to know of Thresh’s penchant for dominating a conversation.

“Aw, you at me already?” he said in response to Peeta.  “Hey, we’re going to eat soon. You like roasted pork?”  asked Thresh.       

“I like barbecue pork…” said Peeta a bit unconvinced.

“This is a little different.”  he said.  “This is made in the oven since the HOA won’t let us roast in an open fire pit…”  This brought out a murmurs of assent for a predicament that everyone seemed to understand except Peeta.  “Anyway, you’re going to try a lot of stuff tonight.”

Thresh was right; Peeta came at the right moment because the plates to the buffet were handed out and, with gentle guidance, Rue and Thresh helped Peeta sample all the different dishes on the buffet. There were things with strange names like mofongo and plátanos maduros that he didn’t even bother to try to pronounce but he savored all the same.  He thought he was in heaven when he tried a meat and spice filled pocket surrounded by cooked mashed, green bananas called  pasteles, and a seafood concoction called ceviche.  He also ate a kind of fried pocket with guava inside and decided, with a stroke of inspiration, that his father should sell them in the bakery.  This was a novelty for Peeta because he hadn’t thought of working in the bakery since before the accident and the distant familiarity of the thought was comforting in the way an old pair of jeans could be a relief after a long day of wearing a stiff suit.

The music began to play and Peeta stretched his legs out, relaxing to the sound of it, his belly full and his every muscle at ease.  Genie quietly served him a thick cool drink called coquito, which tasted of coconut, cinnamon and rum and was the most delicious thing he’d had all night. She savored her own drink, licking her lips as she watched Peeta and the combination of heat, alcohol and well-being relaxed his guard and he stared back at her with a distant appreciation.  

Soon, the space before the band became filled with people dancing to the rhythmic music and Peeta became riveted by the way the couples moved to the complex steps of what he later learned was salsa.  It was fascinating to watch and even more so, when it was the older couples who seemed to be more fluid and in control of the dance than the younger ones, who improvised to add modern elements to a dance that seemed best suited for a measured, controlled pace.

As usual, he thought of Katniss and how good she would feel in his arms right now, perhaps swaying in time to the rhythm, her dark braid pressed between her shoulder and his chest. He was roused from his waking dream when Rue took the empty glass from his hand and replaced it with another, full one.  Peeta did not want to release the fantasy but let it float away from him all the same, leaving him with an empty longing in the middle of his chest.

“You were a million miles away.” she said gently as Thresh disappeared inside the house.

“Yeah, about that far away,”  chuckled Peeta ruefully, feeling the absence of Katniss in his every pore.

“What’s her name?” she asked.

Peeta lifted his head skywards, instinctively seeking out stars that were stubbornly hiding from him, breathing in a long drag of air into his now tired, achy lungs.  “Katniss.  Katniss Everdeen.”

Rue nodded, looking up at the sky also.  “And where is Katniss Everdeen?”

Without hesitation, he said “Too fucking far away.” he took a draught of his drink to swallow down the bitterness that was rising in his chest.

“So?  Why don’t you do something about it?” she said with a chuckle.

He stared at his hand, watching his fingers flex as if they were foreign to his body.  “Because I’m the asshole who pushed her away.  For her own sake, of course.” he said, sarcastically.

“Ah, I see. So you broke it off with her for her own good.  The noble break-up.”  Rue nodded, almost to herself. “Those are the best ones.”  she settled back in her chair and took a sip from her own drink.  “What was your excuse?”

“I thought she could do better than a one-legged freak.  So I didn’t contact her after the accident, which was easy to do since Mom dragged me out here.” He swept the landscape with his hand, “And then I wrote her to tell her that she needed to move on.  Told her I wasn’t worth waiting for because I was damaged goods.”

Rue sat quietly, considering his words.  “Well, you’re an asshole for real, then.”

Peeta gasped in surprise.  “Thanks, Rue!”

Rue put her hand on his arm.  “I don’t mean it as an insult.  You thought you were doing something really decent, for her own good. But it was an asshole maneuver.”

“Because she probably suffered?” he asked.

“Because you didn’t give her a chance to step up to the plate.” She said slowly. “You took away the opportunity for her to really show you what she was made of, so now she probably carries that remorse inside of her.” Rue shifted, becoming a bit uncomfortable and it occurred to Peeta that this might be precisely what happened between her and Thresh.   “It is somewhat selfish and disrespectful of you.”

“Disrespectful? How do you mean?”

“You were basically protecting your own sorry self by dumping her before she could dump your ass, in the event she decided not to step up to the challenge.”  It seemed the alcohol had loosened Rue’s tongue also. “Sorry, I hope you don’t mind my being blunt.”

“Go ahead.  It’s nothing worse than what I’ve said to myself these last few months.” replied Peeta miserably and before he knew how, his drink was empty.

“Wait a minute.” she said as she took a glass from Thresh, who was carrying drinks for some people at another table.  This was much to his chagrin, as he had to go back inside to get a replacement.  “Here.” She handed Peeta the refill.  “What are you going to do about it?”

“What can I do?” Peeta thought quietly for a moment.  “She might have really moved on.  She might have even forgotten me.”

Rue leaned forward, taking his large strong hands in her beautiful, long fingers.  “A girl doesn’t forget something like that.” She glanced over at Thresh, who was trying his best to get his leg to cooperate while he danced with Genie.  

Peeta pulled out his phone and swiped the screen.  “That’s her.” he said as he handled the phone gently. “We’ve known each other since we were five years old.  We were best friends before, you know…”  Peeta faded as Rue smiled brightly.  

“Oh, my god, she is so beautiful!” laughed Rue.  “You better go get yours, Peeta!  Somebody’s going to snatch that girl up if you don’t!”

Peeta stared at the phone for a long time, as he had often done since he left home until her face seemed to move of its own accord. Rue meanwhile went to save Thresh from himself and his efforts to dance.

The music, the meal and the rum all conspired to plunge Peeta into a fluid state that mellowed his bones. From out of nowhere, Genie appeared and somehow got him on his feet. She murmured something in his ear that he didn’t understand before leaning into him, her firm, curvaceous body leading his by example in the swaying rhythm of the song. Rue and Thresh were lost in the drowsy melody featuring a lone female voice with a guitar and in the middle of Peeta’s stupor, a vision of Katniss came to him, taking his breath away.  She wore a green summer dress with thin, spaghetti straps that revealed the shapeliness of her arms and shoulders, her olive coloring contrasting against the material, making her shimmer in the moonlight.  Her eyes flashed with fire, not in anger, but with passion and he imagined her swaying to the now slower, gentle rhythm of that mournful song.  He could almost feel her waist beneath his hands, the muscles of her buttocks as he kneaded them. He was pulling her to him and kissing her, first slowly, then hungrily, the taste of her making him less and less satisfied, his desire for her overwhelming his every thought as he clasped her close to him. They continued to sway against the music but his every thought was to possess her.  

Without knowing how, he was suddenly deep in the garden, away from where other couples swayed without care to the slow melody.  It was Katniss tugging him along in his lightheadedness and Peeta laughed drowsily, whispering her name.  “I’ve missed you so much” he said when she stopped and kissed him again.  Behind a tree was a bench around which danced a lone firefly, such a rarity that he stopped to absorb its presence.  It wound an intricate path around the low branches before escaping over the wall of ivy.

Gently, he was set down, his head becoming somewhat dizzy.  Her lips were on his again and he sighed with relief as she ran kisses along his neck and down the open V of his shirt.  His hands danced over her skin, slipping inside of her dress to fondle the tender skin of her firm breasts.  She muttered something else that he did not understand but it was her and he was delirious.  He pulled her in with all the ardor of a parched man taking in water, letting the drops drizzle down his face in ecstasy.  

Like the fluttering of bird’s wings, she slipped her fingers over the clasp of his pants.  He shut his eyes, losing himself willfully to the softness of her fingers as she freed his shaft and caressed it with long, firm strokes. Peeta hissed her name over and over as he climbed to that dizzying height of pleasure, the crescendo matching the pulsing beat of the dance song that had just begun to play.  The change in music caused the moment to dissipate around him and he looked down to see, not the familiar, olive toned fingers of his woman but the small, caramel colored hand of a succubus.  He was too far gone and exploded out into the garden, his orgasm carried away by the wind that had taken the firefly until all that was left was a perverse satiety, a profound sense of guilt and an incredible urge to run.

He suppressed all of these feelings and instead apologized profusely to the poor, shocked Genie, trying to explain that he thought she was someone else, that he had been held in the grip of an enchantment, that he really must go now.  Zipping up his pants and straightening himself awkwardly, he left the poor girl completely dumbfounded, under the influence of her own drinking and stumbled to the kitchen, where he helped himself to an inordinate amount of water. Not giving a second thought to propriety, he called a cab and beat a hasty retreat, without pausing to say goodbye to Thresh and Rue.

**XXXXX**

Peeta woke up the next day feeling like he’d swallowed a pillowcase.  His mouth was thick and foul and his head throbbed painfully.  After his talk with Rue, he’d apparently felt the intense effects of his overindulgence and gave into a moment of insanity so encompassing, he was frightened of himself.  In addition, the guilt he felt at his behavior and subsequent retreat was even more painful than his hangover. He saw several missed calls and text messages from Thresh and felt remorse at the manner of leaving the party without notifying anyone in addition to his guilt over Genie.  In the end, he sent a message of apology, using his drunkenness as an excuse for his poor manners.  Thankfully, Thresh responded that he hoped to see him on Monday for their usual workout.  

He vaguely recalled his mother trying to wake him up at some point but he’d simply shoved his head under the pillow and gone back to sleep, waking up for a bit of water or to relieve himself before stumbling back to his bed.  He now chanced a glance at the clock and saw that it was already late afternoon.  He was sure he’d poisoned himself with Caribbean alcohol and made a drunken ass out of himself, not to mention had an illicit whatever with a woman he barely even knew.  His usually low opinion of himself was not redeemed by his actions and he felt little inclination to face a new day.

Of course, one glance at his mother brought him back to the world he lived in.  He groaned internally because he knew that he was in for it now.

“Hey, mom.” he muttered as he searched for something to eat that would not upset his stomach.

He was met only with silence.

Peeta shrugged and continued to prepare himself a cup of strong coffee and toast with peanut butter.

“Well, I suppose your normal misfits showed you a good time?” she said with derision.

“Sure did!” he said as he sank slowly into a chair.

“Well, now you can all join the circus together and live out your freakish lives in happiness.”

Peeta rubbed his face, trying to rid himself of his hangover and the insanity of his mother’s words when something entered the edge of his conscious.  “You’re so worried about me interacting with normal people, yet you take me 3000 miles away from everyone I know to recuperate in the middle of the mountains, where the only people you can trot out for me to associate with are a bunch of washed up, crazy old folks who don’t show the minimum interest in us and whose only real redeeming virtue seems to be their wealth.  How does that work, mom?”

Mrs. Mellark’s face went from false compassion to stone in such a short time, Peeta could not have described the transition.  However, he pushed down his fear, as old as he was himself, and pressed his point.  “Why are we really here, mom?  Why here and not in a hospital closer to home?”

Her face became twisted in anger and the words tumbled out of her without filter.  “You ungrateful little shit.  I chose the best hospital in the country for your recuperation and all you can do is question me?  You're an arrogant, entitled bastard!” she seethed.

Peeta was becoming immune to her foul mouth and tried not to let it settle too deeply under his skin.  “I repeat.  Why am I here?  This is not cheap for anybody to have you here babysitting me while dad has to hire extra people to cover for you.  Why. Am. I. Here?”

“Because this was the best way to get you away from certain associations that would not have brought  you any benefit in the future.” she finally said in exasperation.

“Katniss?” he said, savoring her name.  “You dragged us out here so that you could get me away from Katniss?  You would go to such great lengths to break up your son and his girlfriend?”  He remembered all the times Katniss had told him his mother hated her, how he’d dismissed her and told her that his mother’s foul character was universally displeasing to all, that it was not intended towards her personally.  And yet, here was evidence that it was.  Katniss had been right.

“It was not just for that but it was one of the greater considerations,” said his mother coolly.

Peeta ran both his hands into his hair, yanking what he found before releasing them and standing up suddenly.  “I’m packing my shit and going home.  I cannot believe that I went through a year of depression and isolation just so you could save me from Katniss.”  Peeta rarely showed his anger but he had had the best teacher in the world and he heard her voice dripping its venom in his as he spoke.  In that moment, he understood with a kind of terrible awe the power that rage could give a person as his voice began to rise.  

“You took advantage of me, my insecurities and my injuries!  You paraded around here as if you were so concerned with my well-being when you’re possibly the sickest, most disturbed person I have ever known!” At this, Mrs. Mellark’s veneer of cold indifference crumbled and a sneer replaced her stony face. Peeta had to duck to dodge a plate that his mother flung at his head.  She was coming undone but he wasn’t finished with her yet.  “They should have arrested you when they called child services!  I can only imagine how much pain everyone involved would have avoided.”

“You piece of shit!” she screamed as she hurled a handful of cutlery at him, the edge of a knife nicking him in the arm.  “That was also that stupid little bitch’s and her father’s fault.  Who did you think called them?”

Suddenly, it all came together for Peeta and he saw the rot that was at the heart of his mother’s soul.  “I’ll let you in on a little secret.  Guess who told them about mommy dearest and her little fixation with punishing her defenseless son every time something crawled up her ass?”  Mrs. Mellark lowered the glass in her hand, staring at him in dumb shock.  “I’m not losing anymore heartache to you.  I’m out of here. I’m going home to beg Katniss’ forgiveness and try to make things right. Feel free to break all the ceramic and glass that your little black heart desires.”  With that, he stomped off to his room.

When Peeta shut and locked the door behind him, he released the longest breath he’d ever held, a breath he’d been holding since he woke up in that hospital room more than a year ago.  Limping to the window, he reclined against the frame, peering into the night sky.  Somewhere, in that morass of twinkling light and thick, inky darkness, was a constellation without a name, a collection of stars arranged in some mysterious shape, pinned to a swirling torrent of stardust and battered by rock and debris.  It belonged to Katniss and him. He perceived his arrogance at setting himself and his love among the stars but they’d already drawn down the attention of the gods and the consequences had been severe.  He no longer desired to bow to whatever fate threw his way in fear and obeisance.  He was going home to her, no matter how many hydras stood in his way.  If Odysseus could endure ten years of wandering to get back to Penelope, then Peeta Mellark could take his pedestrian life in his own hands and figure out a way back into Katniss Everdeen’s heart.

 


	6. Day 6 - Hazel (Reconciliation)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: A fic in seven parts. Part 6 - Where all things are possible.

 

_**But** _

_**if each day,** _

_**each hour,** _

_**you feel that you are destined for me** _

_**with implacable sweetness,** _

_**if each day a flower** _

_**climbs up to your lips to seek me,** _

_**ah my love, ah my own,** _

_**in me all that fire is repeated,** _

_**in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,** _

_**my love feeds on your love, beloved,** _

_**and as long as you live it will be in your arms** _

_**without leaving mine.** _

**-from _If You Forget Me_ by Pablo Neruda**

**XXXXX**

It occurred to Peeta that he may not have thought through every aspect of his plan to reconquer Katniss.  As soon as his father and his brothers had brought his things inside after the drive from the airport and settled him in the house, he went directly outside to move in the direction of her house.  No sooner had he begun to traverse the space between his house and hers, but he was seized with a terror so profound, he thought his heart would grow legs and run off.  This caused him to freeze where he stood, at which point, almost of their own volition, his legs took him back home.  This occurred the following day, except he made it as far as her steps, which he thought was progress.  

When he finally did dredge up the courage to knock on her door, he was left with the lonely sound echoing through the empty house.  No one answered him and, with a certain defiance, he circled around the back to knock on the kitchen door.  He stared dumbly at it for several seconds before casting a forlorn glance at their treehouse, the paint of which was fading in the fierce, summer light despite the tree cover. From where he stood, he could detect the softening of the wood, the splinters from the exposed railings but he could not bring himself to move closer.  He’d played most of his childhood in that house with Katniss, shared his first kiss there with her and now it would stand as witness to his failure.   In miserable exasperation, he turned his back on that sacred place and marched back to his home.  

A handful of days passed with him doing nothing more than watching her house like a low tech stalker.  He tried getting a sense of her routine or at least, that is what he told himself was the reason he left the house only when he was sure she was gone.  He stood on the porch or limped down to the sidewalk and stared at the house that he’d come to irrevocably associate with her absence but still did nothing to move his agenda forward.  

There was no doubt that she’d heard he was home by now - many of their mutual friends had contacted him, in some cases, visiting him the very day he returned.  He spent time in the bakery with his father where customers had welcomed him back, though he did not escape the stares and inquiries about his amputation. For Peeta, it felt so good to be at home surrounded by his people again except that he was missing the person he longed for the most. He wasn’t sure how he’d survived a year in virtual isolation and thought of his mother, becoming angry all over again.

As Peeta was preparing for another day at the bakery, Delly stopped by to see him.  She was sweet and friendly and was completely indifferent to the situation with his leg because she did not dwell on unpleasant things, which was something of a relief for Peeta.  She was easy to be around and simply did not have it in her nature to be other than upbeat and optimistic.

“Peeta!” she squealed when he opened the door and he had to admit that her shrill voice was a welcome sound.  “Oh, my god, you look so good!  Look at you!” she pulled him in for a giant hug and mussed up his hair.

Delly hadn’t changed at all, except for her haircut, which was shorter and blonder for the summer. She was still her curvy, fashionable self and her mind never dwelled on any one thing for very long.  They chatted amiably as Delly filled him in on the doings of their friends and neighbors during his absence.  Many went away to school, but there were also the inevitable drop-outs and pregnancies and other kinds of drama that seemed to be part of the experience of growing up.  Peeta laughed at her gossip and general zest for other people’s lives and before he knew it, they’d passed the morning in friendly banter.

“Have you seen Katniss yet?” she asked suddenly.

Peeta felt the heat rising to his skin.  “No, not yet.  She never seems to be home.”

“Oh, Peeta, she’s scored this giant scholarship to Excelsior!  Full ride!  Everyone was so proud of her.  And relieved you know, that she wouldn’t have to work fifteen jobs to get through school.  Knowing her, she probably would have done that too.  She was always so gritty and determined.” As Peeta listened to Delly, he became filled with so much pride for Katniss.  Nothing, not even his stupidity, would keep her from her goals and it made him even more fearful of going to see her.

“What about you?  Are you thinking about going to school?” she said.  

Peeta shook his head.  “I am but not yet.  I’m probably going to help dad out with the bakery and then go from there.  I didn’t realize how much I would miss baking but dad said he would hire me on full-time since my older brothers are more interested in doing other things and he needs the help.” He actually felt serene with the idea of working with his father for awhile until he figured out his life.

“That sounds neat!  Inherit the baking empire!” smiled Delly.  Looking down at her watch, she suddenly stood to go. “I have to get going now.  Mom’s waiting for me to go shopping.  Hey, I’ll throw a party and everybody can come!”  she said as she bounced happily to the door.  “You look so good! I can’t wait till Katniss sees you.  She’ll be all googly-eyed over you again in no time!” she giggled as they walked down the stairs to her car.  

“Bye, Delly.” he said, her words still dancing happily in his ears.  As he turned towards Katniss’ house, all was silent and he knew he had to find the courage to see her.

**XXXXX**

His next visitor caught him completely by surprise the very next day.

“Prim!” he laughed as she threw herself into his hug.  “Wow, you’ve changed so much!  Look at you.” he laughed as he took in his quasi-little sister and how dramatically she’d grown into her womanhood in the year he’d been away.

“Don’t get too sweet on me.  I’m still a little pissed with you.” she said as she took in the house.  She’d rarely been inside, as Mrs. Mellark intimidated her also.

“What did I do?” he said and though he was distressed with displeasing her, he knew he would be able to sweeten her up right away.  He rummaged in the kitchen and quickly brought out cookies that had just been baked the day before. She eyed them slyly as she worked to keep up her irritation.

“You didn’t call me at all!  I understand if you and Katniss, well, whatever happened there between you but you didn’t even bother to contact me at all!  Wouldn’t I have rated at least a phone call from you?”  Prim leaned forward, nibbling on one of the frosted cookies.  “Did they do science experiments on you or something?”

“What?  No!  I just…” Peeta became uncomfortable but he had to admit it to her, of all people.  “I got really depressed and it took me a long time to get through it.”  he said, deflating a bit.

“Oh, well, that.” she said almost dismissively but Peeta didn’t get offended.  After all, they had lived with the experience of Mrs. Everdeen’s depression for so many years. “So when are you coming to see my sister?” she asked pointedly.

“I’ve been by a few times but she’s never there.  It’s always one thing or another.  And this time, I want to talk face to face with her.”  Peeta ran his hand through his hair.  “I get the feeling she isn’t very eager to see me anyway.”

“She probably isn’t.  I mean, you blew her off.  With a letter! Why would she want to relive all of that?”  Prim said as she ate a second cookie.  “You guys should have been, like, the forever couple and then you go off and just stop talking to her.  I get the whole depression thing but Katniss didn’t take it very well.”

“How bad was it?”  he asked fearfully, a sudden dread washing over him.  

“Uh, well, she stopped eating. She stopped going out.  She was so angry and cranky and moody all the time.  I hold you personally responsible for all my problems in that period.” she charged.  “Got milk?”

Peeta, who was feeling sick at the idea that he might have damaged Katniss that much, took a minute to recover before going to get a glass of milk for Prim.

“I feel like such a selfish ass.” he whispered miserably.

“Well, from where I sit, you are going to have to get over yourself and go see her.”  Prim leaned back in her chair.  “You know Katniss.  Her pride won’t let her come here.”

“I know.” sighed Peeta.

“Well, lucky for you, I can help you with your little dilemma.” she said.

“Really?  So you don’t hate me?” Peeta laughed, grabbing one of Prim’s hands.

“Oh, who could hate you, really?  You know I love you, you big jerk.  I can see things from your point of view, too.”  she reached down and rapped at his prosthetic, the hard sound reverberating through the room.  “This could not have been easy.”

Peeta shook his head but squeezed her hand and kissed her knuckles, happy that he’d been able to get this little piece of his life back.  Prim was like his sister and he’d been so wrapped up with his leg and Katniss that he hadn’t taken a moment to explore his feelings and observe that he was missing Prim also.

“The Emporium.  She’s there all day.” she said.  “You should try to talk to her there.  It’s public,  neutral and there will be witnesses if she tries to hurt you.”  Peeta was taken aback but noticed that Prim was quite serious.  “Go tomorrow morning. There will be less people.  Don’t wait, because if you do, you will make it impossible for her to allow you to make amends.”  Prim searched his eyes and he had no choice but to acquiesce.  “By the way, you have some serious competition and you need to nip that in the bud right away.”

Peeta leaned back in his chair. Why should it surprise him that someone might be vying for Katniss’ attention?  “Who is it?” he said darkly.

“None other than the scrumptious Gale Hawthorne, who also happens to be my boyfriend, Rory’s, brother.  AND he goes to the same school as Katniss.  AND they’ve been on and off for awhile now.”  Peeta felt his chest freeze up.  “Yes, sir, the race is tight so you had better get your butt in gear because you are starting out behind the gate.”  Prim crossed her arms in satisfaction, a grin as enigmatic as the Cheshire cat’s spread across her bright features.

He remembered Gale Hawthorne. Tall, dark and handsome Gale Hawthorne.  Older frat boy, the kind women loved Gale Hawthorne.  Shit, Peeta thought to himself. He cast a glance at Prim, who smirked at his discomfort.

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” he said when he recovered himself.

“Summers are boring as hell around here and I told you, I love you but you dumped on me too and payback is a biatch.” she said sweetly.  “The look on your face alone when I told you Katniss was dating somebody was almost worth a year of you pretending I didn’t exist.” she said and Peeta sensed that the little girl he’d left behind had been replaced by this quick-witted, calculating teenager who was starting to frighten him a bit.

“I told you I was sorry.” he said almost petulantly.

“Yes, and I accept that but this is just icing on the cake.” Prim got up.  “I’m getting out of here before your mom comes and turns me into a toad or something.” She put her hand on his shoulder and became very serious. “I’m so glad you’re back!  Even if she doesn’t show it, I know Katniss is happy you are here too, at least deep down,” she hedged carefully.  “I think she wants an excuse to let go of her anger and accept you back.  So don’t be a douche, okay?”  She kissed his cheek and left without further ado.

Armed with his new information, Peeta prepared himself to be as persuasive as possible.

**XXXXX**

Peeta’s hand literally shook as he walked the short distance from his family’s bakery to Abernathy’s.  He’d hardly slept from the expectation of meeting Katniss in person and wondered at his idiocy for letting more than a week pass before seeing her.  It had cooled his resolve, allowed doubts to settle into his mind.  His hands shook from not knowing what would await.

He arrived at the Emporium, a neighborhood coffee house that also specialized in tea and organic products.  Patrons came for the ambience of aging wood and heady coffee smells, large, comfortable chairs and soothing music.  On special evenings, Haymitch sometimes had readings or local bands who wanted to a little exposure by playing in a live venue but mostly the shop made money from the business people who came to work in the center or from commuters passing through to get to Capitol City.  Weekend business was also brisk from the college crowd who liked to come for the free wi-fi and shoppers who needed a break from spending money at the overpriced boutiques on the main street.

Peeta pushed on the double-glass doors, causing the bells to chime lightly.  He watched as Prim made her way to the front, and felt a wave of nausea overtake him.  Upon seeing him, she perked up, casting him a wink and a smile before literally skipping toward one of the aisles, calling Katniss to the front.   He heard a clatter of boxes hit the floor, followed by colorful swearing and an exasperated “What?” in a voice so familiar, it resonated in the hollow spaces of his bones.  Haymitch followed behind Prim, who had seated herself at the counter, and offered Peeta his hand, perhaps thinking to engage him in conversation when Katniss and Peeta’s eyes locked onto each other.  The air was so pregnant with the humming silence that Haymitch and Prim had no choice but to move back, casting a glance at one another in expectation.

He saw her long before she saw him and for this he was grateful because he was struck dumb by her solidity.  She was right in front of him, not a nebulous creature of his imagination, but real and as achingly beautiful as he had left her.  He took in every shadow, every line, memorizing her so that he could take away this vision of her to comfort him when he was away from her.

“Katniss.” he said with reverence.  He thought he saw some recognition in her eyes, of what they had once felt for each other, what he knew he still felt for her.

Therefore he could not have imagined the turn their conversation took, her coldness, the false laughter.  The way she’d brushed away, without a second thought, any chance of their speaking.  Her “maybe another time” was so dismissive, he felt it like a physical wound.  The look of pity that Prim gave him as he left was even worse than Katniss’ dismissal and he found he couldn’t get out of the Emporium fast enough.  

When he arrived at his family’s bakery, he didn’t stop.  He knew he wouldn’t be able to stand the company of people and walked aimlessly down the main road, ignoring the storefronts and giving only a cursory wave to people who said hello to him.  It was one of the million moments of his life when he wished he was sound and whole, because all he wanted to do was run as fast and as far as his legs would take him. But he neither sound nor whole and was reduced to hobbling at his top speed to escape the profound disappointment that threatened to drown him.

When he got to the old railroad, the symbolic edge of the center, he paused to catch his breath, letting the air cleanse him.  Peeta kept hearing snippets of their conversation in his head - just send a letter, I have a date, it was nice talking to you, maybe another time - until they rattled around and around, leaving him heartsick and broken.  He became angry all of a sudden - he had not worked so hard in that gym, fought his mother, traveled all this way to hit a wall.  He wanted to break something, hurt someone and he teetered on the edge of a vendetta.

But he shook his head instead, as if trying to shake out the anger and bitterness, holding on to the way she had appeared, a vision made real, and the happiness she provoked in him.  He pulled out her letter, the one she sent him during his time in the ICU and re-read it again several times, even though he knew the words by heart and took courage from the fact that whatever had intervened during their separation, this, at least, had been real.  And something like that did not just evaporate into thin air.

Peeta made his way back to his house. By this time, after the long walk, the light rail trip and the additional blocks to reach his street, his leg had become tired. Despite his exhaustion, however, he purposefully took the longer path that would cross before Katniss’ house and walked resolutely to her back yard.  He saw the outline of Mrs. Everdeen in the window but, as always, she was oblivious to everything so he continued past her until he stood under the treehouse, examining the structure carefully with a grim determination.  It was an unsentimental assessment - taking mental measurements, creating lists.  This, too, had been real and if at the very least, the structure and the memories were still intact, he’d figure out a way to bring that treehouse back to life.

**XXXXX**

Katniss slept terribly the night of the date gone awry.  Peeta had come to her and it felt so good at the moment to be so callous with him.  And yet, the satisfaction of seeing him so reduced dissipated quickly, leaving a panicky desperation in her chest.  Her encounter with Gale had done nothing to assuage her despair and in fact, had only increased her misery, making her body ache with even more longing for Peeta than ever before.

And so the night dragged on, with Katniss tossing and turning in her bed.  She wandered the rooms of her house, tried to watch television, drank warmed milk.  She had no peace and at one point, she looked out onto her yard to see the shabby treehouse, seeming to melt under the pressure of the elements.  The paint had faded and the wood seemed frayed in places.  Katniss gripped the edge of the window sill and a lifetime of every kind of anger flowed over her, burning a path through her heart.  It was her destiny to lose - lose her father, her mother, in some ways, her sister and now, Peeta would remain forever out of her reach and it made her angry beyond words that this was what would define her life.  Her anger kept her awake until finally, from sheer exhaustion, Katniss fell asleep in the chair of her bedroom, her head resting against the glass windowpane.  She was thankful that at least she didn’t have to be at the Emporium the next day.

It was the sound of hammering close by that woke her much later in the morning.  LIfting her head heavily from where it rested against her arm, Katniss searched for the source of the sound.  Her breath had fogged up the window so for a moment, all she saw was the outline of movement below, a blur of activity without resolution.  Wiping the pane of glass, her shock blasted the last vestiges of sleep from her body. Without giving a moment to thought, she flew down the stairs, past a smug Prim and Haymitch and stepped out into the late afternoon sun.  It was a glorious day, the sky rolling blue to infinity, the bright sunlight causing her to squint.  But it was not so bright that her vision could be fooled. She wasn’t dreaming up the pile of wood, buckets of paint or their wooden garden table dragged into the service of holding up an electric saw.

And Peeta, in the middle of it all, hammering together the rungs of a new ladder for the tree house.  Peeta in a blue t-shirt and jeans, sweat beading his forehead and running in rivulets down his neck.  Peeta in her yard fixing their treehouse.  

“What are you doing?” she said abruptly.

Peeta looked up from his work and smiled sheepishly.  “The treehouse is run down.  I thought it could use patching-up.”  he walked slowly over to her.  “It looked so abandoned and neglected, I couldn’t stand it anymore.”  He stopped when he was just in front of Katniss.  “I knew I had to be the one to fix it.”

Katniss stared dumbly up at Peeta, his eyes sad as he spoke.  God, how easy it would be to just fall into him again, to be swallowed up by the endless blue of his eyes that made the sky fade by comparison.  But there was the matter of her pain, the giant void he’d gouged out with his absence and it demanded attention.

“You can’t just come over here as if you never left and take up a hammer and nails and think that it will all be fine.”  She whispered.

“I don’t expect it to be fine or even the same.  But that treehouse holds the majority of what was good about my life and it deserves a chance to get fixed.” he said with a grim determination.

“Peeta…” she said with such exquisite pain, she knew if she remained, she would dissolve into a pile of tears, shaming herself beyond what she already felt.  

He reached a hand out, running his fingers through her sleep-tousled hair.  “I’m sorry, to the bottom of my soul.  I should have never cut you out of my life.” Katniss’ breath caught as he spoke.  “I didn’t think I was good enough for you anymore but it was selfish and wrong to do that to you.”  

She wanted this, she wanted to melt back into him, to recover the lost pieces of herself, to feel like she was home again but it was all too much for her.  She simply nodded and, without another word, went back inside of the house.  As she made her way upstairs to change, she saw Prim opening her mouth to speak but Katniss simply held a hand out, throwing a “Don’t!” over her shoulder as she went to her room and threw herself down on the bed.

Wasn’t this what she wanted, what she’d waited for all this long year?  She would have expected to be at peace, to embrace it but it was all too much for her and instead of peace, the continuous hammering outside her window only reinforced the sense of strangeness she felt.  She’d been nursing her heartbreak for so long, she didn’t think she could function without the ever present anger and hurt with which she’d lived this last year.  He was outside, right beyond her fingertips and she had only to touch him to get it all back.  But that would require her to let all the agony and pain go and she she was frightened.  She didn’t know if she could recover from another delusion like the one he’d given her.

She got up and washed herself, dressing slowly, trying to get her bearings, feeling as if the last year had not even happened.  Hadn’t it always been this way, Peeta waiting for her in their treehouse, Katniss and Prim getting ready for the day, Haymitch hovering in that unquestioned, protective way, Mrs. Everdeen in her room, roaming the universe of her memories?  Couldn’t she just behave as if he’d never left?

When she’d dressed, she went downstairs where Haymitch sat drinking coffee and reading the newspaper.  Katniss poured a cup from the coffeemaker and sat down next to him. Here was something she could hold onto for a moment - the uninterrupted determination of this man to circle Katniss and Prim like a hijacked satellite.

Haymitch grunted to Katniss in acknowledgement as he continued to read the paper.  They sat in silence, she with her anxiety, he with his news.  It occurred to Katniss that her life was a collection of strange things pressed together into a small space - her mother’s quasi-absence, Haymitch’s mysterious devotion, her growing hunger for- and refusal to submit to - the affection of a damaged, fallible boy in her back-yard.

After several minutes, Haymitch sighed. “Sweetheart, why are you in here?  Why aren’t you out there with Peeta, making out or something?”

“You’re not supposed to give me that kind of advice,” said Katniss. “You should be encouraging my virtuousness.”

“Nah, that’s above my pay grade.  I’m more of a keep-it-real kind of guy.” he muttered as he turned the page.

Katniss shifted to look at him as if seeing him for the first time - his dark hair greying near his ears, grey eyes so similar to Katniss’s and typical of the people native to this part of the state.  Today was a bewildering day for Katniss, a day to resolve mysteries and reach conclusions.

“What is your pay grade exactly?  Katniss fixed her eyes on him as she spoke, genuinely curious about him.  “I mean, why did you decided to adopt us like a trio of stray cats?”

Haymitch closed the newspaper and looked at her for a moment before responding.  “It’s Maysilee’s fault, really.” Here, he pulled out a flask from his pocket and took a drought of liquid.

“Maysilee?  You mean your wife?”  Haymitch had been married for some years before Katniss was born but she’d long since passed away.  Forgetting for a moment that Peeta was in her backyard, she focused on Haymitch.

“Yeah.  We were really good friends growing up, your father and me.  Your father met your mom first when she was working for her dad at the pharmacy.   Maysilee was her best friend.  We just kind of stumbled across each other…” Haymitch let his voice trail off.

“Sounds like it was nice.” whispered Katniss.  

“It was, trust me.  It was. But then she got sick the first time.  Back in the day, we used to call it “the cancer” like it was a flu you could catch.  She got better though but with all the chemo and surgery, she realized she couldn’t have any babies.  At one point, she even tried to get me to leave her, because she took the whole infertility business pretty hard.”  Haymitch shook his head as if it were the most absurd thing he’d ever heard.  “I wasn’t having any of that.

“What she had was incurable, and she was only in remission.  Most likely, it would come back.  But we had ten good years together.”  he took another drink, his grey eyes staring at a point on the table.  “She died a year after you were born.  She thought you were the sun and the moon and probably would have spoiled you and Prim rotten had she lived to see you two grow.  Your mom almost lost it when she passed away.”  

“I’m so sorry.” whispered Katniss, hearing the sound in the yard go silent.    

“Don’t be.  We knew what was coming. Loving each other was our way of thumbing our noses at the universe.”  Haymitch took a glance outside also but continued.  “We don’t get a whole lot of choices but you do get to choose how well you love the people in your life.”

Katniss took Haymitch’s hand and held onto it for a moment in silent gratitude.  She wondered how much of his care of her and Prim wasn’t also part of his nose-thumbing.  She never considered anything about her circumstances to be particularly rebellious but she liked the idea that every one of Haymitch’s choices was an act of rebellion against an indifferent universe.  

“What are you going to do when we’re all grown up?” she teased.

“Aw, I’ll just pester you for some grandkids. Though, if you don’t put a hustle on it, your train might leave the station without you.” he indicated with his head outside at the Peeta’s receding figure on the sidewalk.

“Shit!” she scrambled to her feet and searched for her shoes, slipping them on quickly.  She paused to give a shocked Haymitch a kiss on his forehead before bursting out of the kitchen door.  It was amazing, even with a leg missing, Peeta had already made it back to his house.  Katniss broke into a run, almost crashing into his front door.  She stopped to compose herself - she imagined she must look like a gorgon, her hair without it’s braid, swept into a knotted mess by her run. She smoothed the wrinkles from her clothes and her flyaway hair and rang the doorbell. To her chagrin, it was not Peeta who answered the door but Mrs. Mellark.

“May I help you?” she sniffed when she saw Katniss.  She looked over the older woman’s shoulder, searching for Peeta.

“Yes.  Can I speak to Peeta?”  she said, trying to catch a glimpse of him.

“He’s going upstairs to rest.  I’ll let him know you called.” she went to close the door when Katniss saw him round the corner of his kitchen.  Pushing the closing door open with her forearm, she called out to him.

“Peeta!” she said, with a voice that sounded desperate to her own ears.

“I said, he needs to rest!” a very flustered Mrs. Mellark scolded her, physically blocking the space of the door.

Ignoring her, she called out again.  “Peeta! Please. The treehouse isn’t finished yet.”  He appeared behind his mother, who, though very angry at this point, had no choice but to give way.

Katniss took in the look of him, devouring him with her eyes - his closely cropped blond hair, the grime smudging his light skin, the blue eyes that went on forever, his broad shoulders and strong arms still covered with a sheen of perspiration.  She reached down under the anger, hurt and resentment and found the place where she waited for him, the place where they lived before the accident and the separation conspired to throw them apart.  She stepped into that place and soon her arms were wound tightly around him, her head buried in his sticky t-shirt.  He smelled of sweat and sunshine and freshly cut plywood and Peeta.  

She breathed in the heady scent and melted when she felt his arms wrap around her too, squeezing her hard, too hard but she didn’t protest. This was a pain she wanted to feel.  Looking up at him, his face mere inches from hers, she whispered to him “Come on.  The treehouse isn’t going to fix itself.”

Peeta’s eyes were glassy but he held his tears, running a hand over her face and neck and said instead.  “No, I suppose it won’t.”

Holding onto each other for a few more moments, Katniss was the first to pull away, taking his hand and leading him back towards her house when Mrs. Mellark called out to Peeta.

He paused and half-turned towards her in expectation.

“Don’t you think you’ve worked hard enough?  You should eat something.” she asked shrilly.

Peeta turned fully about to face her, his eyes holding hers, his hand gripping Katniss’.  “Ma, it’s time to give up.  This is happening, whether you accept it or not.” Glancing over at Katniss, he no longer spoke towards his mother. “Katniss, you won’t let me starve, will you?”

Katniss simply shook her head, not trusting herself to speak.   With that, they walked back together to her house.

**XXXXX**

They’d spent that entire day on the treehouse, mending and painting the wood.  Peeta had the idea to take out the mulch and re-soil the ground to plant wildflowers of every kind.  It was late in the day and they worked as quickly as possible to get the last of the plants in the ground before night made it too dark to see.

“Which prosthetic do you have?” asked Katniss as she scooped the dirt out from under the tree-house.

Peeta looked up at her curiously.  “They call it a VGK.  It’s one of the better brands…”

“Very Good Knee made by Orthomobility, it’s a bone-anchored prosthesis ideal for above-the-knee amputations.  Features a state-of-the art fluodic control mechanism that mimics the stabilization system of fluids in the human knee, leading to greater stability and range of knee motion.  It is waterproof and requires no manual adjustments for changes in shoe weights or modification in terrain.” Katniss rattled off, wiping at her face furiously.

“Katniss?” said Peeta, scooting towards her.

“I learned everything there was to know about your kind of amputation.  The prosthetics that would be available to you.  The physical therapy.  What your physical limitations would be.  Your body image.”  She looked up, and the silent tears streaked across her dirt stained face.  “I would have been there for you, Peeta.” she whispered.  “I would have understood.”

Peeta dropped his planting supplies and pulled her to him.  “I was so stupid, Katniss. I should have trusted that you would rise to the occasion. Turns out, it wasn’t you who didn’t rise to the occasion, it was me.  Forgive me, I’ll never underestimate you again.”

She nodded against him, wiping her tears on his t-shirt.  “You won’t.  I won’t let you.  You get one pass on this.  Just one.” she said before she pulled him down and kissed him, tasting earth and salt and him.  Katniss melted into Peeta as he groaned, deepening their kiss until they could no longer breathe.  He pushed her gently onto the grass, devouring her with a hunger that had been building for a lifetime, a hunger he could not satisfy now or ever but would savor in its insatiability.  She moaned against him, whimpering from the acute pain of her waking body, as his hands roamed over her, pulling her as close to him as their clothes permitted.  They ended their kiss finally when the stars were already twinkling overhead, with a kind of benign indulgence that this was how it was always supposed to be.


	7. Day 7 - Jonquil (Desire)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: A fic in seven parts. Part 7 - Where desire born in the fires of deprivation burns brightest of all.

 

**“Someone asked me what home was and all I could think of were the stars on the tip of your tongue, the flowers sprouting from your mouth, the roots entwined in the gaps between your fingers, the ocean echoing inside of your ribcage.”**

**-e.e. cummings**

**  
  
**

“Wow, it looks amazing!” squealed Prim the next morning.  “I love how you painted dandelions along the bottom border!”  She walked carefully to not disturb the newly planted flowers as she followed the yellow blooms exploding along the outside walls of the treehouse.  

“I caught him painting them this morning.  He was here before I’d even woken up.” explained Katniss, squeezing Peeta’s hand tightly.  She wasn’t planning on letting go of it anytime soon.

Peeta blushed profusely but only shrugged in response.

Prim pulled out her phone and snapped several pictures of the treehouse together with Katniss and Peeta.  She had them each take turns with her before she turned the camera on all three of them and made a selfie with the treehouse in the background.

“Hey, how’s the inside look?” Prim said this as she made her way to the ladder.

“No, wait!” Peeta grabbed Prim gently by the elbow.  “The paint’s still wet. You can look at it later when it dries.”

“Oh, okay.” Prim looked down at her phone.  “Dangit!  We’re going to be late to work.  Hurry up, Katniss!”  Prim said, her voice bordering on hysteria.

“I, eh, I called in today.”  Katniss said a bit sheepishly.

“You called in?” Prim said when suddenly the realization dawned on her.  “Ohhhhhh, you silly kids!  Right, of course.  Not such a big surprise, what with your super-long separation and all.”  she giggled as she walked up to both Katniss and Peeta.  “Now, how does the lecture go?  Yes, you really can get pregnant the first time so no riding bareback;”  Katniss went to smack her sister but she dodged easily out of her way.  “And the rule is no sex while Katniss is home, right, so you may need a change of venue; and finally, as always, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”  Prim skipped up the steps into the kitchen and disappeared for a minute before reappearing again.  “You wouldn’t want help with your makeup and hair, would you?  Because your flyaways are going to…”

“Go to work already!” bellowed Katniss, mortified by all of the innuendos and more so because all of them were true.  The sound of Prim's laughter echoed through the house.

She turned to Peeta who was blushing and laughing at the same time. “I told you. She’s a mess.”  Then, with more seriousness,  “One hour, that’s all I need.” she said, to which he pulled her in for a savage kiss.

“No.” he said when he let her come up for air.

“Come on, just one.  I promise.” she whispered.  “We’ve waited this long - what are 60 little minutes anyway?”

Peeta frowned slightly.  “The longest sixty minutes of my life, that’s what they are.”

Katniss extricated herself from his grasp, already missing his skin against hers.  “Just one hour.” she moved slowly into the house.

“Not one minute more.” said Peeta sternly.

**XXXXX**

Katniss checked on her mother, who was somewhat lucid.  In a bit,  Aunt Sae would come to collect Mrs. Everdeen and take her for a walk and tea.  She was in one of her silent phases, saying nothing to anyone except the occasional nod of acknowledgement.  Katniss made sure she was dressed properly and clean though her mother was very methodical about her self-care. She simply operated within boundaries that were close to her skin, interacting very little with anyone around her.  Katniss gave her a kiss on the forehead before sighing heavily and leaving the room.

She shook off the melancholy her mother inspired in her and thought of Peeta, who had returned home to wait out his hour.  He had a surprise for her, and she was sure it would involve exactly what Prim had cheekily referred to.  Katniss had been exhausted last night after the physical and emotionally charged day with Peeta combined with the physical labor of renovating the treehouse. She’d fallen directly into a deep, dreamless sleep, waking to the sight of him painting the delicate flowers on the sides of the deep green treehouse.  The contrast between the yellow and green was striking and added an artistic depth that had been missing, depth that came from the experience of isolation and a love long deferred.

But more than that was waking to the sight of him.  It came to her, not unsurprisingly, that she wanted his face to be the first one she woke up to each day and the last one she saw at night.  The thought that this was no longer an impossibility filled her with a happiness so complete, it wiped away all of the misery of the last year.  Her mind still could not fully comprehend his presence and the change in their circumstances after so many months of unsuccessfully trying to accustom herself to his absence in her life.  

Katniss indulged herself in a hot bath, something she never did for fear of driving the water bill too high and even now that she and Prim were working year-round, Katniss could not shake her instinct towards thrift and economy.  She shook her head.  She didn’t want to think about economics or work or anything else.  She looked at the old clock on the wall.  Forty-eight minutes.  Katniss sank into the hot water.  Her skin buzzed and her thoughts raced ahead to when she would be with him again. With a shudder of desire, she reached for the shampoo.  Those 48 minutes, now 47, suddenly became infinite.  

**XXXXX**

Peeta was waiting patiently beneath the tree house, the only indication of his nervousness the slight shake of his hands that held a medium-sized  paper bag.  When he heard her tread on the grass, he turned to watch her walk towards him, a feeling of utter joy gripping him to the extent that his eyes burned with unshed tears.  Her ebony hair lay straight and free from her braid and she wore a dress - a summer dress the color of the sunset and he smiled indulgently because she knew that color was his favorite one.  

“I thought you said the paint wasn’t dry?” Katniss said as he guided her towards their treehouse.

“I lied.” he smiled.  “I wanted us to be the first ones inside.”  She went up first, taking the bag from him so he could slowly climb up too.

Peeta paused outside of the small door, suddenly emotional.  Katniss looked at him quizzically. “What is it? she asked, wondering at his hesitation.

Taking a deep breath to steady himself, he shook his head and opened the small door.  “I’m letting you in.” he whispered. She still looked up with confusion.  “We can talk about it later.  I just hope you like it.”

Katniss, now curious, poked her head in before dropping down to crawl inside.  He’d painted the inside but it was what he had done with the small space that left her breathless.  All the old bedding and pillows were gone and replaced by brand new, bright green, yellow and orange comforters.  Instead of the stuffed animals, which now sat on the shelves, giant pillows of the same colors lined the edges of the room. The hard floor was no longer covered in industrial carpeting but a thin, soft camping mattress.  He’d turned the playroom of their youth into an enchantment more befitting their age.  

Reclining against one of the giant pillows, Katniss saw the blue sky peak in through the little skylight and could not believe this was happening.  She watched as Peeta carefully settled in next to her.

“Do you like it?” he asked, his eyes watching her face hungrily.

“I don’t have words for it.  It’s amazing.  Magical.  How did you manage to get this done?  You must have been here all night?”

Peeta chuckled.  “Only a part. I also brought a snack.” he said, shifting awkwardly as she imagined he struggled with his leg but she let him work it out.  She felt sure that hovering over him, making him feel helpless, would just exasperate him. He finally got into a position that worked for him and pulled out an individual carton of orange juice and a small bag that he handed to her.  

“Oh, cheese buns!” she exclaimed when she saw it was one of her favorite treats. “Did you get an...”

“Apple fritter.  Yep.  Some things never change.” Peeta laughed. They ate quietly, though he seemed to watch her every move with such intensity, Katniss felt like she was being hunted, as if his real appetite was just barely being contained. It made something inside of her vibrate, leaving her almost panting.  He seemed to enjoy the treat but there was another hunger in him that seemed to be larger than could be contained in that small space.

They carefully cleared their things, setting the bag aside.  When the distractions of eating and picking up were done, she found herself laying back against her pillow, Peeta’s finger running down from her forehead, crossing the bridge and length of her nose, dropping to rest against her bottom lip, which opened slightly under the pressure of his fingertip and her own breathlessness.  Only their breathing hung in the air as Peeta pressed into her lips carefully, her tongue reaching up to gently lick the tip of his thick finger.  This elicited a look of borderline pain on Peeta’s face, his brows furrowing as she closed her lips around his finger, sucking on it with a light, feathery pressure, her tongue flicking against the tip still faintly flavored from the cinnamon and spices of his breakfast .  She held his gaze as she drew more of the finger into her mouth until she was almost to his knuckle.  

Peeta’s eyes fluttered half closed as she sucked on him in earnest when he suddenly pulled his finger out of her mouth, his mouth and tongue taking its place, kissing her deeply.  A small whimper seemed to escape him as he plundered her mouth.  She pressed into him, her hands running over his chest and shoulders while his hands ran the length of her, savoring her curves under the cool material of her sundress. He wanted to be gentle and slow for this, their first time together in so long but all of the repressed desire, the wanting and waiting made them frenzied and impatient.  Katniss pulled his t-shirt over him flinging it across the small space while he fumbled with the buttons of her dress, which, in her impatience, she yanked over her head and threw away also.  

The feel of her skin against his made him somewhat delirious, the surrealness of the entire moment, her body beneath him, her breasts pushing up into his broad chest. He left hot, wet kisses along her neck and shoulders, his hand cupping one of her perfect, pert breasts, the nipple straining into the palm of his hand.  Katniss heart sped up with the expectation of his mouth on her and when he finally did rain kisses down on her breasts, his lips finding a hard, erect nipple, she arched her back to press it into his mouth.  He sucked on her in the way he remembered she loved, his tongue alternating with his lips to bring her to a point where she no longer spoke but moaned and mewled beneath him.

“Peeta, ah,  I’ve missed your mouth.” she whimpered as he lavished his attention on her breasts.

When he felt her fairly trembling in his arms, he ran his kisses over her stomach, reaching the waistband of her pretty, white thong.  Peeta toyed with the lacy edges, debating whether to gently slide them from her thighs or rip them from her body. He decided he liked the look of them against her skin and left them, moving the thin strip of material to the side, taking two fingers and running them along her folds, bathing them in her wetness. He brought his wet fingertips to his lips, tasting them, groaning at the familiar flavor of Katniss.  She, meanwhile watched him with an intense need bordering on pain.

“You are so wet for me, aren’t you?” he held her gaze, watching her expression change as he pushed two fingers inside of her, plunging them up to his knuckles.  Katniss mouth fell open in agonized arousal.  “I’m going to eat you all up, for all the nights I could only imagine having you.” He said this leaning to run his tongue along her folds, eliciting a long moan from Katniss.  She was so hot in his eyes and knowing she wanted him made the blood rush noisily in his ears.  He flicked her clit with his tongue before bringing his mouth around it and sucking hungrily on it, causing her hips to buck against him. Cursing the stupid prosthetic that kept getting in the way,   he repositioned himself between her legs and pushed them up so that they were flush against her chest and buried his mouth between her folds, licking and sucking her, his fingers pumping her wet core so hard that she moaned his name over and over until he felt her walls clench around his fingers.

“Peeta!” she called out.

“That’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard.  Say it again,” he said as the waves of pleasure washed over her.  “Say my name.”

“Peeta!” she said, her back arching before she began to float down from her explosion, her legs melting like jelly to her sides.

“I want you, Peeta, please…” she begged.

Peeta unzipped his pants and paused for a moment.  He realized he didn’t really know what he should do.  Should he leave his pants on? Should he take off his leg?  He wore his confusion openly because when Katniss looked at him, she understood.  She sat up from where she reclined and kissed him gently, tasting herself on him.

“Hey, what do you want to do?” she said.

Peeta shook his head.  “I wish you didn’t have to see…”

“I don’t want you to hide yourself from me.  Here,” she indicated to the pillow where he reclined.  Katniss took the top button of his pants and undid it, lowering the zipper slowly, watching his reaction.  She tugged on his pants until they were mid-thigh when he stopped her, a look of such vulnerability suffusing his features that it melted her heart.  

“It’s okay. Let’s just get the pants off.  We can think about taking off the leg later, okay?” she whispered, gently brushing her fingers over his forehead.

He nodded at this.  She pulled the pants all the way off of him with some effort, as the metal and plastic of his leg kept getting caught in the pants leg.  When she sat back on her haunches, she saw where his leg ended and the prosthetic began but his actual thigh was covered with a kind of thick sleeve like a sock, the entire limb disappearing into the plastic cup.  The rest was all technology.

“Want to take your leg off and just leave your liner?” she asked.  

Eyes averted, he nodded in panic as he sat up to unhook the leg, letting it roll gently to the wall of the tree house.

Katniss gave him a kiss on his lips.  “You see, that wasn’t so bad, was it?”

He shook his head, finally looking up at her, studying her features, trying to see if he could detect the pity or revulsion that he feared there would be.  But all he saw was serenity.  To his dismay, he became uncontrollably emotional and a tear pushed its way out of the corner of his eye, which he tried to hide from her.

“Hey, baby, no.  Why that?” she said, capturing the stray tear with her lips and kissing it away.

“Just you...so perfect.” he said before pulling her to him and kissing her, sorry that he’d killed the mood.

She pushed him down gently, devouring him with kisses, the tender moment subsumed under the growing heat.  Katniss took control, running her lips along his neck and shoulders, tasting his skin as she traversed the distance across his chest, licking his nipples and sucking on them until he groaned as if in pain.  She reveled in the dust of gold hair on his chest, the curls becoming darker as she approached his belly.  She pulled down his boxers, his erection springing out, thick, long and veiny.  She captured it in her hand, stroking it as she watched his furrowed brow, the lips he pinched between his teeth.  With confidence, she leaned down to flick the tip with her tongue, circling it before running her tongue along his length.  She sucked his sac gently before taking as much of him into her mouth as possible, the tip of his cock hitting the back of her throat.

She sheathed her teeth and bobbed her head up and down while he watched her, his face contorted in pleasure as she found a rhythm he liked.  “Uh, like that.” he muttered, his hands in her hair, guiding her.  She continued until he asked her to stop, stilling her movement with a gentle movement in her hair.  “I want to be inside of you.” he said by way of explanation.  She slithered up his body, making sure he felt every inch of her before she reached his lips. She straddled him, kissing him over and over as she reached behind for his throbbing cock.

Releasing his lips, she unrolled a condom and placed it on him, pinching off the top before she lifted herself over his hips to slowly sink down onto his shaft.  When she’d taken all of him inside of her, she began to roll her hips, a motion that caused Peeta’s head to fall back onto the pillow.  

“Katniss, I’m not going to last if you keep doing that!”

She looked down at him, a sly expression on her face.  “Good,” she said as she found a rhythm and, with his hands on her hips, bounced on him in earnest, her breasts moving in time with her movements.  He filled her up, the feeling becoming more intense as he caressed her breasts.  She got her feet under her so that her knees were bent and leaned back, her hands on his thighs.  Using her newfound leverage, she rode him in earnest.  

“I love watching myself inside of you.” he said, staring at the way her body swallowed up his cock. He reached out and touched her clit, making tight concentric circles that made her arousal climb and climb until she exploded around him, the spasms pulling him deeper into her until he too released and came with a strangled cry.

Katniss lay spent over him, his softening member sliding out of her.  He removed the condom and placed it in one of the bags that had held their breakfast, then clasped Katniss close to him, kissing her hair and her face with a lazy pleasure.  It was better than perfect to lay here like this with her. After a bit he shifted his head down to look at her.

“I have something of yours.” he said.

Katniss chuckled.  “Really?  I always wondered where my Malibu Barbie went.”

Peeta shook his head.  “Okay, I was kind of responsible for Malibu Barbie.  She was a casualty of war between G.I. Joe and the Red Power Ranger.  I meant to tell you about that.”

“Peeta!  You knew I was looking for her!  She was my favorite Barbie.  How could you do that?” Katniss was aghast.

“I didn’t want to get beat up.  Trust me, that was one of the biggest lies I ever told.”

“Any other dark secrets I need to know about?” she quipped.

Peeta took a deep breath and became very serious.  “The biggest lie I ever told was that I could live without you.  I told myself that lie over and over until I couldn’t lie to myself anymore.”  He reached over for his wallet and pulled out a folded paper.  It was worn, with grey edges from having been folded and unfolded so many times.  He handed it to Katniss, who was slightly confused until she saw the salutation.  She covered her mouth with her hand as she felt the tears prick at her eyes.  While she read it to herself, Peeta recited it by memory:

**  
  
**

_Dear Peeta,_

__

_It's been weeks since I last saw you.  I miss you even more than I could believe; and I was prepared to miss you a great deal when I realized that I would not be seeing you as soon as I wanted to.  It’s also clear to me that I’m not in the information loop, though I can’t imagine why your family would not want me to know how you are._

__

_But I don’t want to be whiny.  I’m not good with words but I’ve been reduced to a thing that only wants you.  I miss you in a simple, desperate way.  And I need you. There isn’t a thought that crosses my mind where you don’t suddenly appear.  If it’s math, then suddenly I’m kissing you.  If it’s work, I am caressing you in a thousand different ways.  Cooking?  I am grasping at you and coming up empty.  And let’s not talk about my heart, where in any given moment of distraction, I live a thousand years in your arms._

__

_I would have wanted to say these things to you in person.  I tried!  I went to your hospital room but they wouldn’t let me see you. I want to help you heal, whatever it is that’s been hurt or lost.  Because that’s what we’ve always done; we protect each other.  And I can do that.  It’s my turn.  I can protect you too._

__

_Just come back.  Peeta, please.  I’ve only ever begged for one other thing in my life.  You know me so well, I never ask for anything.  But I’m begging now for you.  Just come back home to me.  I’m waiting.  Our treehouse is waiting but I’m locked outside.  You have to come back home and let me in._

__

_Always waiting,_

__

_Katniss_

**  
  
**

Katniss had stopped following the letter and watched Peeta recite the contents.  He dropped his head in shame when he was done.  “How does someone have the heart to not respond to that?  It was the hardest thing to do to not pick up the phone and call you right then and there, to tell you that I was coming back, that I would let you in.”  He looked up at her, her face puffy from crying making it difficult for him to continue.  "Ironically, it was that letter that kept me from giving in to calling you, from burdening you because no one who could be that good, that willing to sacrifice so much should be stuck with me."

"What changed your mind, then?"  asked Katniss quietly.

"It wasn't any one thing, really.  I had to get away from being alone with my mother, that was the first big obstacle.  She made me feel like I was a worthless freak, unworthy of love." Peeta shook his head.  Katniss had a lot to say about that but chose to keep her mouth closed and let him speak.

"Then I met this guy named Thresh who lost his leg in Afghanistan and you should have seen him. He never shut up!"  Peeta laughed as he thought about Thresh and his ability to laugh at absolutely everything.  "His fiancee, Rue - I swear you would love her - she had no mercy on him.  She just treated him like a human being, and it occurred to me that if I gave you the chance, you might be the same way."  

"That would be the point.  To give me a chance.  You decided so quickly to cut me off.  Peeta, it almost killed me. I can't - I won't go through that again."

"No, I'll never do that to us again.  She told me I was being a sorry, selfish ass and she was right.  It's not me that needs to let you in, it's you who has to forgive me."  He took Katniss' hand.  "Forgive me, really and truly, I'll make it good for us, you'll see."  He indicated his leg. "This is me now, but it's not all of me.  I can love you right.  But I don't ever want to be separated from you, not ever again."

Katniss tugged the comforter over them, even though it was getting warm as the sun continued its westward journey across the sky.  "Come here," she whispered.  She gathered him up into her arms, his chest resting against her breast.  "If you do the right thing, if we promise to be honorable towards each other and not make decisions for each other, I don't see why we can't make this work.  You are more than your missing leg."  She wound her fingers in his hair as she spoke.  "So much more.  I've loved you my entire life.  I would be no good at loving anyone else."

Peeta lifted his head to kiss her again, feeling his heart and his body come alive and like an ember that never quite burns down, he was on fire for her again.  She wrapped her legs around his hips, leaving him to find leverage with his stump.  He tumbled down onto her, a string of apologies falling from his lips.  "I'm sorry, Katniss.  I almost crushed you!"

"Peeta, I'm not made of glass.  Here, use the pillows.  I read that amputees sometimes can benefit from using lots of pillows during sex.   You aren't going to be able to do everything like you used to." She smirked at him when she said this.

"You’re like Wikipedia, you know that?" He laughed but did as he was told, rearranging pillows while Katniss patiently helped him.  

“I told you - I learned everything I could about what happened to you during those weeks I waited for you to contact me.” she said sheepishly.

Peeta was struck yet again by how stupid he had been, how completely he had underestimated her.  “I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to apologize enough for what I did.  You are so  much better than me.”

Katniss simply kissed him and finally, after some fumbling, they were able to achieve a configuration that allowed him to be above her without falling down.  He rocked his hips, entering her slowly as much to enjoy her as to keep their construction intact.  Katniss closed her eyes, enjoying the pace, allowing herself to build up slowly until they both felt the tightening coil between them.  She helped him as his pace increased, his hips bucking into hers as his momentum threatened to destabilize everything.  

"Stop, stop!" said Katniss.  "Try this."  She slipped out from under him and lay on her side, so that he was spooning her from behind.  He positioned himself again and this time, when he entered her, everything was more fluid.  He brought his head to kiss her where her neck connected to her shoulder, one hand caressing her breast before traveling down between her legs to touch her small nub of desire.  Katniss bucked between his hips, while Peeta’s hand found the rhythm that had escaped them before.  As he used his finger to circle her clit, she felt the familiar building, clenching her muscles around him as she exploded, his name falling from her lips in a half moan.

Peeta followed soon after, biting down on her shoulder as he reached his peak, sweat now covering their bodies. He sighed against her shoulder because he’d finally reached the incontrovertible conclusion that they would be just fine.  They’d figure it all out and it would be good.

When night fell, they didn’t stir from their childhood place.  They still played the game of naming the constellations as those celestial bodies moved across the square of the sky light.  Peeta told Katniss about the nameless constellation that he’d claimed as theirs because of all they’d been through the last year apart, and of the way fate had already had her way with them.  In the deepest hours of night, Katniss again saw the cool light of a twinkling star in the corner of the sky light as she listened to the even rise and fall of Peeta’s breathing.  They were not rebels by nature nor had they willingly volunteered for this fight.  But in a universe that cared little for their well-being or survival, they decided together to thumb their noses at fate and chose for themselves the only thing a human being is truly free to choose - the manner in which they would love each other.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> I want to give my heartfelt thanks to Prompts In Panem, for providing the exceptional prompts for this story. I had the outline of a similar story already completed so when I saw the different prompts, I knew that, with some modifications, this story would work really well. If you read this fic on tumblr, please be aware that I made some small plot adjustments and edits to chapters 1, 3, 4 and 6. They are not substantial but, for example, I made a direct reference to Maysilee, Haymitch's wife in chapter 1 and I made further references to the treehouse, which is a major symbol, besides the stars, in this fic.
> 
>  
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> I also have to thank two very important ladies who helped me with this fic. This is especially important as they did it with a very short turnaround time and the work they both did was thorough. Solasvioletta, my long-time beta, collaborator and friend, took on the challenge of basically betaing 5000-10,000 word chapters every two or three days for two weeks. Not only did she take on the challenge but managed it with sincere hard work, providing excellent feedback and cleaning up my numerous errors and strange uses of the language. Also, Plumgal1899 was critical in cleaning up several plot defects, given that this story had a completely different structure in key areas. If you have a chance, check out these two ladies' profile pages. They write excellent fanfiction in their own right in addition to being such an important support for my work.
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>  
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> Some things I had in mind while I was writing: The title of the fic comes directly from a poem by Pablo Neruda called If You Forget Me. I also had the song Atlas and, though I did not follow the myths in the video, I had them in mind with my constant references to the stars. Finally, and most importantly, I tried to follow the trajectory of Peeta's hijacking in Mockingjay, though many situations are only alluded to in passing as well as the pre-epilogue return to District 12.
> 
> As always, I do not own anything relating to The Hunger Games trilogy. Only the basic plot and mistakes belong to me.
> 
> ct/titania522


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